It’s Monday, which means it’s time for our new regular feature (can a feature be both new and regular?): PAGE CRITIQUE MONDAYS!! Which will occasionally be Query Critique Monday, One Sentence/One Paragraph/Two Paragraph Pitch Critique Monday, Synopsis Critique Monday, and New Reality Show Idea Because The Ones I’m Watching Are Kind of Getting Old Critique Monday.
A reminder of the rules (please read before posting because the first eligible comment will get the critique):
1. The first person to enter a 250 word excerpt from the beginning of their novel in the comment section will win the critique. Please also tell us the title and genre.
2. I will update the post with the excerpt, unedited, so we can all read and form our opinions.
3. I will later update the post again with the excerpt now featuring my redlines, thoughts, comments, drawrings, emoticons, and assorted other marginalia (but really only redlines, thoughts, and comments)
4. Feel free to add your own two cents, but remember the sandwich method: positive, extremely polite constructive criticism (and I mean it), positive. I’ve decreed you need to read and heed this creed or I’ll proceed to make you bleed. Indeed.
Here we go!
UPDATE #1: THE EXCERPT
Here is the page. I’ll be back later with a critique, and in the meantime feel free to add your thoughts.
Title: PEARL EDDA
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
The wolf circled me.
Slowly.
Its eyes narrowed; its ears flat against its skull.
It snarled, baring teeth so white the flames reflected off them. My fingers gripped the knife I held pressed against my thigh as I turned with the beast. Each of us biding our time. Engaged in our silent dance amidst the chaos.
Around us, the forest popped and groaned. Flames licked their way up pine trees; concealed embers awaited their turn to wreak havoc; howls sliced through the inferno’s roar as one by one the pack was claimed.
The animal paused. Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled.
Then it bolted, spinning away from me and from the others who were now each ensnared in death’s fiery grip.
Shoving the knife into its sheath, I chased after the beast, but it taunted me with its speed and agility. I burst forward, averting my eyes from the smoldering heaps littering the ground.
I couldn’t look.
I had but one goal – to find her. Somehow I knew the wolf shared that goal, but, unlike me, it had no desire to save her.
“Iven?”
Startled, I opened my eyes, wondering where I was and why my heart was racing. The dreams were more getting vivid and it took me a moment to get my bearings as several images ran through my muddled brain.
Fire…wolves…Salt Lake City…airport…
Olivia.
Relief coursed through me.
She sat in a vinyl chair across from me. Staring at me.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
UPDATE #2: MY CRITIQUE
I think there are some interesting images in this opening, and you can’t really go wrong with a character staring down a wolf. The description evokes the setting, and I think it’s an intriguing setup. Thanks so much to Heidi for participating!
My thoughts can be broken down into two rough categories:
1) The “Just Kidding!” opening: I see a lot of openings that start one way, only to find out that what we thought we were reading wasn’t really happening – either it’s a dream, or the description was such that we were intentionally misled by the author (e.g. we were led to believe it was a shark attack but actually it was just a game of Marco Polo), or some other rug-pulling-out that has the effect of tricking the reader. I call them “Just Kidding!” openings.
This is a dangerous game to play. It can definitely work if handled well and if the effect is very very necessary, but the danger is that it makes it extremely difficult to establish trust between reader and author. It’s the literary equivalent of a hand buzzer, and the reader may feel like the joke’s on them. After this opening, everything is potentially a dream sequence, and the effect can be exhausting. It’s tough to take anything at face value.
If you’re going to begin in this fashion, I think it’s extremely important to catch the reader right after the dream: the author has to assure the reader in some fashion that there was a point to beginning in that fashion, whether it’s because the protagonist has a concrete takeaway or there’s a second shiny object that catches our interest and makes us forget the rug-pulling or some other way of smoothing over the dislocation the reader is feeling.
In this case though, the protagonist is basically recapping what we already saw and if anything introducing a further mystery, and there’s not enough of a sense that okay, yes, just kidding that was a dream, but there’s a reason we started this way and you’re in sure hands. So in this trust fall, I’m not quite sure the author catches us.
2) Descriptions that are mouthfuls: There are some strong images here that really helped us get a sense of setting, and I particularly liked “Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled.” which is such a clear and precise description. However, there were other times where I felt like the descriptions felt like a mouthful, and I was concerned that it made the opening feel overwritten:
– “baring teeth so white the flames reflected off them” – This is an image that we can definitely picture, but it’s a bit imprecise: just because something is white doesn’t mean it’s reflective, and just because it’s whiter (e.g. “so white”) doesn’t mean it’s going to be more reflective. It’s not the color that makes something reflective, but rather how shiny/reflective it is (black could reflect flames too). Now, this may sound like total nitpicking and not many readers are going to stop and say, “Waiiiiiit a second, just because something is whiter doesn’t mean it’s going to better reflect flames!” Instead, the reader will just experience it as something feeling off. An image like this bothers the brain, even if we sometimes can’t pinpoint exactly why until we stop and think about it. That’s why precision is so important. But even more importantly, I just don’t know that this description flows well. Similarly:
– “My fingers gripped the knife I held pressed against my thigh as I turned with the beast.” I had a hard time tracking this sentence. Is the detail that he/she is holding the knife against his/her thigh really necessary? And what exactly is meant by “turned with the beast”? Are they turning or are they actually circling each other and would that be a more precise description? “turned with the beast” makes it sound as if they’re on a turntable. It’s also not necessary to specify that “my fingers” gripped the knife – unless otherwise specified we’re going to assume he/she is holding the knife in her hands, so saying “my fingers” feels redundant and “I gripped the knife” is sufficient.
– “spinning away from me and from the others who were now each ensnared in death’s fiery grip”: Again, another mouthful that’s difficult to track. Who are the others and how exactly are they ensnared? And what does “spinning” mean – is it literally spinning through the air? If so, that seems like something that may need to be described further so we have the right image.
There are many instances (which I’ll mark below) where it seems like there’s a thought that could be described much more precisely, and I just don’t know that enough is gained by stretching for a more evocative description, especially in an action sequence. There definitely needs to be enough detail to ground the reader, but when it’s overly wordy it slows down the action as the reader tries to unpack the imagery.
REDLINE
Title: PEARL EDDA
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
The wolf circled me.
Slowly. Is this necessary? Usually a word gets its own paragraph when it’s surprising, but is it really surprising for a wolf to circle someone slowly? Do they ever circle someone quickly?
Its eyes narrowed; its ears flat against its skull. Not sure about the sentence fragment or the semi-colon. Wonder if the rhythm would be better if this were two short declarative sentences (like the body on point/hackles paragraph).
It snarled, baring teeth so white the flames reflected off them. My fingers gripped the knife I held pressed against my thigh as I turned with the beast. Each of us biding our time. Tense change. Engaged in our silent dance amidst the chaos. The chaos hasn’t yet been described, so I don’t know that it needs to be referenced if you’re not going to specify. Otherwise, since this scene has so far been focused on the faceoff (I originally thought the flames reflected were from a campfire or something), the reader is just going to think, “Wait, what chaos?”
Around us, the forest popped and groaned. Flames licked their way up pine trees; concealed embers awaited their turn to wreak havoc “awaited their turn” makes it seem like the embers are intelligent/living beings; howls sliced through the inferno’s roar as one by one the pack was claimed. Not sure what’s happening here.
The animal paused. Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled. Love this.
Then it bolted, spinning away from me and from the others who were now each ensnared in death’s fiery grip.
Shoving the knife into its sheath, I chased after the beast, but it taunted me with its speed and agility Is the wolf showing off? Not sure that “taunting” is the right word choice here. I burst forward, averting my eyes from the smoldering heaps littering the ground.
I couldn’t look.
I had but one goal – to find her. Somehow I knew the wolf shared that goal “Shared that goal” feels a little awkward, esp. since “goal” is repeated again, but, unlike me, it had no desire to save her. “had no desire to” seems a tad overwrought. It’s also already clear that they’re not on the same side, so is this necessary to point out?
“Iven?”
Startled, I opened my eyes, wondering where I was and why my heart was racing Would the character really be wondering why their heart is racing? They just had a scary dream. The dreams were more getting vivid and it took me a moment to get my bearings as several images ran through my muddled brain.
Fire…wolves…Salt Lake City…airport… Since we now know this was a dream, it’s important to help the reader feel like they know what they should be taking away from it and to leave them on sure footing. “Salt Lake City” and “airport” introduces a further mystery that the protagonist knows something about and the reader doesn’t, and they may feel like you’re holding out on them.
Olivia.
Relief coursed through me. Feels overwritten. Does relief really “course through”? But also it’s telling: could we see what this character does/how they react when they feel relieved?
She sat in a vinyl chair across from me I like the detail of “vinyl chair”. Simple, but helps give a mental image. Staring at me.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
mayowa-
In this case I worry that because this is opens in a fantasy world the reader is just beginning to establish the "rules" of the world. Are the embers actually living/conscious? They could be in fantasy! If it's just supposed to be evocative I think there's another way of tackling it that doesn't leave the reader wondering if they're actually alive.
Hi Heidi!
I enjoyed the standoff with the wolf, but I wished it wasn't a dream. If this is supposed to be something that happens later, perhaps a flashback frame is more effective than starting with a dream. That way at least you know that the standoff actually happens!
As for the descriptions, a lot of the things Nathan pointed out didn't bother me, but I did feel there was an overall sense of embellishment over accuracy in the descriptions. Still, you did paint quite a picture, and I'm OK with that style of writing, particularly in a tense scene. Maybe the descriptions weren't meant to be completely literal, but more to portray a feeling.
Just my two cents. Good luck!
First of all, I got into this excerpt right away.
After just a few lines, I'm thinking, "Knife fight with a wolf? Cool!"
Hooked me right away.
That said, some of the descriptions lost me. After reading about the flames reflecting in the teeth, I got distracted. I was thinking, "How did the wolf get such white teeth? Does it brush or whiten?" and then was thinking that if I were holding a knife and staring down a wolf, I probably wouldn't be looking for reflections on it's teeth. I'd probably focus on whether it's about to bite me or not.
Also, I don't like the use of semi-colons. That's a few too many semi-colons for the first page. For my taste anyways.
And the "just kidding" intro… Didn't work for me. I liked the wolf knife fight! After that I don't want to read about someone sitting in an airport with their significant other.
Great start though. And thanks again Nathan for doing this.
Okay, first, I have to leave for class, so I'll add my own comments about the work later.
But I do want to say I got the flavor of fantasy from this, and I love fantasy. Cool, Heidi. 🙂
I'm also interested to see, Nathan, that you'll be critiquing different things.
I'm also interested to see, Nathan, that you are so good at this. Very, very, very, very, very good.
I want your eyes on my work. When I write it, that is. I must find a way. It must happen. It must. I just have to figure out how. Maybe saying 'it must happen' over and over will do it.
You know, have you thought about giving away these critiques as a prize or perk? Just a thought.
Okay, off to be educated.
Heidi, you brave (and lucky soul) – thanks for sharing your work!
Sandwich!
I felt the opening was compelling enough to keep me reading and find out who this Iven and Olivia are and why they are in an airport and he's dissociating/dreaming such wild stuff.
The fact that it was a dream didn't really bug me b/c I figured–and maybe because it is a commonly used technique in fantasy–that these Visions were going to be useful for the character and that they meant something. Something we would get to later. Perhaps a future flash. FUTURE FLASH! LOST!
But I have to agree with the overwritten part. It feels like it is trying too hard to be poetic. Not necessary. Just tell the story.
Seems like the story is there. I want to know if that scary wolf is going to get "her". Thanks for sharing, Heidi!
I needed to know about the fire at the same time as the wolf. Also, that such a dramatic dream could end so abruptly with the mere opening of eyes was a bit of a downer for me.
My novel starts with a dream, but it takes a whole chapter and dreams are central to the plot. I think it has to be all or nothing with dreams.
Thanks for sharing, Heidi. I like the imagery.
Nathan, I love this new feature! Double yay.
The author definitely has an 'eye' for detail, something I could take a few cues for in my own writing. Nathan is oh so on, of course, with the overwritten-ness. I'm a big fan of understated drama/intensity. And while the staccato sentences definitely add some suspense, the technique feels a tad overused in the piece.
I always remember the bit in Strunk/White about using a 5 cent word instead of dollar piece word. Or something like that. It takes some discipline, but it comes in handy when I'm reaching for the top shelf. For example, 'caught' instead of 'ensnared.' I think it's very tempting to use a beautiful-sounding word when it fits. But in the bigger picture, sometimes it's too much.
I know Nathan took issue with the taunting, goal-making wolf, but I thought it gave the critter some personality, instead of it reading like a regular old wolf. Perhaps there's another way to achieve the same effect with more precise descriptions.
Good job! Brave gal!
I found this helpful on a number of levels. Thanks to Nathan and Heidi!
Heidi, I liked this. Very dramatic. I think with the revisions Nathan suggests, it will be even better. The only good reason to start with a dream, in my opinion, is if your protag is a seer of some sort.
Good luck!
I liked being right in the action. "it's ears flat against its skull." great image of an animal on the ready.
I did feel it was a bit overwritten ("concealed ember…" "ensnarled in deaths…." "Relief coursed…")and hard to process all the imagery you gave us. I might would simply the descriptives in places.
Once I found out we were in a dream, I thought "great, now back to the boring real world." Maybe italics the beginning??? So the reader expects it.
I'm not sure if the colons/semi-colons are necessary or grammatically correct.
I am intrigued with where this story will go "…unlike me, it had no desire to save her." and I love a male POV (I don't find them often). Great job. Thanks for throwing yourself out there for the wolves…ahem, no pun intended. *wink wink*
I just had a thought:
Nathan, would it be bad to start with,"The nightmares were getting worse."
And then go into the description of the wolf-person stand-off?
Nobody would feel fleeced then, and it would still be dramatic.
Okay, Heidi, I checked your profile and now that I know a bit more about your MS, the beginning makes more sense. At least, I can understand why you chose to start it that way.
Having said that, I think you've got a genre where the dream sequence is more common than in most. It comes off as "the dream of impending destiny", which certainly works given your topic, but I still think starting it with the *real* action would serve your story better. (Especially since you're butting it up against the "kids at an airport" scene, which implies they're headed somewhere and you're going to change the setting again soon.
This sucks, because I'm always in school when this thing happens. I have no chance of getting to it in time.
Love the opening. Hero versus wolf, knife fight, forest in flames. Excellent. I'll admit I was disappointed it was just a dream, but I was intrigued enough to read on.
Favorite line: "Its body on point." Gave me a vivid picture and included the wolf's intent, all in a simple four word sentence. Beautiful.
Least favorite: "Startled, I opened my eyes, wondering where I was and why my heart was racing. The dreams were more getting vivid and it took me a moment to get my bearings as several images ran through my muddled brain.
Fire…wolves…Salt Lake City…airport…"
All of this seemed a tad out of order to me. I think it would have worked better if the the Fire … wolves. . . etc part had come after the heart racing ( the POV character is slowly orienting himself, going from dream to reality) and THEN he makes the statement that the dreams are getting more vivid. As it is, you have a moment of clarity (the dreams getting more vivid) and then describe "images running through a muddled brain." This REALLY pulled me out of the story.
Overall, I loved the opening and could picture it well. I would like to read more. Thanks so much for sharing!
Nathan, if I read a submission first chapter where I was being led to believe a character was being chased by a shark, only to find out it was a game of Marco Polo, I would have been tempted to send the author an "I want to buy your book" letter with a P.S. of "just kidding".
Those were like all the comments I was going to make, but written better.
You ought to make this a career, Nathan!
Oh wait…
I didn't have a problem with the dream sequence. As far as reflective teeth – I think it is the saliva (i.e., thin layer of clear fluid on tooth enamel) that would be reflecting the light – not sure exactly how you would include that in a scene, though.
I am reminded of Jack London – might be useful exercise to read passages side by side, to become more conscious as to how language choices add/drain tension from a scene…
Also, if you're going to be so descriptive in dream sequence, you need similar amount of description (in my opinion), i.e., more than a single vinyl chair, to anchor the reader in the actual "reality" the dreamer is returning to.
I might expand like this: "She sat in a vinyl chair across from me. A little ways away, at the ticket desk, an older couple in matching blue jean jackets were politely but intensely disagreeing with a harried ticket agent. Beyond them, an airport screener waved a large paddle up and down a middle-aged man's body. The paddle was blunt and frivolous-looking, a mere toy, compared to the dream knife in its sheath…"
Ok, no need to jump all over me for "embroidering" a bit on scene as presented…I assumed, perhaps wrongly, that the characters were seated at an airport…just my perspective, maybe condense wolf-fire scene by 50%, really tighten it, and then add on equal amount of description to vinyl chair. I remember in Tim Burton's Halloween-meets-Christmas movie, he poured so much of his creativity into the Halloween part of things, and then didn't seem to expand an equal amount of effort creating the Christmas Town…that it was a bit of a letdown…and then in Amy Tan's Joy Luck Club (and I do love that book!), it seemed more creative effort went into the reminiscence parts than the "present day."
***
I did enjoy reading this though, and wanted to find out more – one of the comments here said the novel was about "intrusion by Norse gods and monsters into our present day reality," and that's interesting – a great premise – keep going with your novel!
Who says Mondays suck if we get to do this? Thanks again, Nathan for keeping it interesting.
Congrats Heidi. I think your writing is quite tight. I agree though, that some places feel a tad overdone — flames reflecting off of teeth was sort of off-putting, if only because it interupted the flow as I had to stop and figure out how that would happen. I was SUPER excited until I found out it was only a dream, as dreams starting off YA books are cliche.
Overall, though, I really liked it. You can write, girl!! Good luck to you! 🙂
You are spot on with your critique, Nathan. Heidi, you write well but if you take his suggestions your writing will be better.
"Page Critique Mondays" are an aweome addition to your blog. Thank you for that. I hope to one day submit my page first. But if not, I am learning alot from critiques you've given other people. Thanks again.
Nathan, you wrote:
Since we now know this was a dream, it's important to help the reader feel like they know what they should be taking away from it and to leave them on sure footing. "Salt Lake City" and "airport" introduces a further mystery that the protagonist knows something about and the reader doesn't, and they may feel like you're holding out on them.
I'm not sure I follow. Don't authors all hold out on the readers? Isn't that what the great build up is all about? The author knows and the reader doesn't..
I've read this comment by you before – could you please elaborate what you mean?
Thanks so much!
Really love this new feature, Nathan; I hope you keep it for a while.
Some of your images are awesome, e.g. the flickering flames and the person and wolf moving together and watching each other, guarding against each other.
I found many of the sentence fragments jarring because they seemed to be used somewhat randomly in places where a fluid sentence would have been better. For example, I think that "The animal paused. Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled." would have flowed much better as "The animal paused, its body on point, its black hackles ruffled." The second paragraph "Slowly" especially shouldn’t have been its own paragraph, as "slowly" isn’t a strong enough statement to deserve its own paragraph.
Mentioning the wolf’s white teeth pulled me out of the story because I started thinking about how wild animals don’t usually have pure white teeth, how they’re usually more yellow, how flames probably wouldn’t reflect off a wolf’s teeth, etc. Reflections of the flames might have danced in a wolf’s eyes, however, and that might have allowed for a more menacing image.
I also found it jarring when I discovered this was a dream. I realize, though, that the power of the dreams suggests that the dreams are important. If that’s the case, if the main character is a seer or something like that, I think the background of the importance of the dreams should be developed at the beginning of the novel, rather than a dream itself.
Good luck with this! Overall, your imagery suggests the potential for a powerful story.
anon-
Yes, definitely authors hold out on readers. The author knows what's going to happen and the reader doesn't.
But there's a difference between an author knowing and a protagonist knowing something and not filling in the reader. If you think of most mysteries, usually we know about as much as the protagonist knows. The mystery is watching the protagonist try and figure it out.
This isn't an exact rule of thumb, but that's roughly where the line is drawn between preserving mystery vs. holding out on the reader. We don't know what the author knows, but we (usually) need to know what the protagonist knows.
Wow, your critiques are identical to mine, especially regarding the white =/= reflective part. I felt like this sample had a lot of pretty-ish descriptions that upon further examination could be improved or make more sense. But I also feel like it might be almost there, and most of the tweaks needed would be relatively minor.
I love this feature!
Also, how awesome is it that my word verification is "skill"?
Also, I'm not sure I agree with those who don't like the short sentences. That staccato rhythm can really help drive a sense of action. Don't be scared of short sentences. Sometimes they can really help build tension.
hard to follow up Nathan Bransford's comments. Very nice imagery evoked in the descriptions. One thought on the second line is if you would like to still somehow emphasize that idea of "slowly" circling without saying it flat out, try pairing the idea with an image instead.
For example, a paired image of a clock's second hand, "circling, the soft, steady thud of footfalls counting down my remaining moments before it attacked…"
Just an idea that I might think about there.
Ok time to bookmark this blog! Talk about serious nitpicking- but I love it! Thanks for being open and honest by posting your story, Heidi. And thanks to Nathan for explaining to us how agents and editors think!
Absolutely brilliant new segment.
thank you so much Nathan for this, I feel like I'm getting personal lessons or something lol.
Its funny about the you mention the short sentences, I use them frequently for tension but have gotten critiqued about not making full sentences??
Heidi – well done, you're very brave to post 🙂
I liked the dream.
Yes, there was a jolt, but in a good way. Clearly there's some psychic stuff going on.
This is a wonderful part of this blog – both because we all get treated to an agent's view, and because we also get the opportunity to think about someone's work and see what others think. This is a great learning experience.
Nathan, I have been wondering if, since you focus on YA and adult manuscripts, we should stick to those categories, or if something more MG (novels targeted at the 9-12 age group, like the Percy Jackson series or Harry Potter or Roald Dahl's work – not that I'm comparing my work to any of those books, because those books are AMAZING, but just to give a clearer sense of the shelf my book might be on if it were in a bookstore) would also be okay?
ishta
I'd be okay critiquing middle grade.
Interesting comments! Nathan and commenters think Heidi's piece a bit overwritten. Oddly enough, I might agree if it were NOT a dream. The almost melodramatic tone seems to suit a dream. Remember too that ANY of the entries might turn out to be a dream AFTER the first 250 words! And we have no idea what second and later 'shiny objects' are coming, to use Nathan's apt phrase.
I am perhaps more tolerant than some commenters of abeyance and suspense in the first 250 words. It all depends on WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! Raising reader questions is fine, provided the writer answers them soon if needs be, or later if they are matters of ongoing suspense. Nor do I see reader misunderstanding as a problem, provided it is corrected quickly and the correct story is no less entertaining than what the reader thought was happening or going to happen. In other words, no long-term or repetitive ‘rug pulling’.
I must again disagree with Nathan regarding tense changes. I do not take 'Each of us biding our time.' as a tense change, since it could be read as 'Each of us WAS biding our time.' But there could be a singular versus plural clash. Would 'Each of us biding HIS time.' not be better? But that might cause a gender problem!
The sentence about the wolf having 'no desire to save her' tells us the dreamer DOES wish 'to save her', which is not otherwise stated. The dreamer's imputing thoughts to the wolf (and even embers!) is again something I would hold fire on until I find out where it's going. But Nathan’s warning about the literalism problem in Fantasy and Science Fiction is very apt. I believe it’s called subjunctive tension. A classic example is ‘His eyes slid down the front of her dress.’ (And plonked on the floor!)
Likewise regarding the difference between the author withholding information and a first person POV protagonist doing the same (withholding information from himself, effectively) but I do not see that as a problem in the PEARL EDDA excerpt, particularly since the dream state is one in which we all withhold information from ourselves. Most dreams are not lucid.
Knowing the sex of the wolf makes or breaks the bit. Foreshadowing two strong female characters staring down a future third strong female character seems very female. If the wolf was a dangerous male willing to sacrifice everything to defeat the protagonist and her accomplice it gets interesting. Your imagery is excellent and N's flow comments are succinct. Play the scene out before writing (actually do it alone in a room). Hold the cold steel blade against your thigh as you spin involuntarily hoping not to fall reawakened(foreshadows its a dream) by the glint of chaotic firelight off the bared salivated teeth.
The beginning of a story is like writing prose or poetry and you hooked into that quite well. I have stared down dogs and had them circle me; they do it quick to throw you off guard and reach your flanks to disable your escape. The human reaction is a spin effect on the ball of the dominant launching foot (left for me) front of the foot. It is genetically programmed into us to dodge animals.
"He was statuesque eying my flanks, my left foot slowly rose to the ball and toes. I pushed with my other foot spinning involuntarily as he suddenly circled: only the knife I wanted to drive into his throat protected me from losing my power to escape. Hard teeth met cold steel at my hip. He retreated a step and a half; his first lunge deflected. His still open mouth a burning temptation to drive my fist so fast and deep into his throat that I could break the jaw and stop him from ripping into my fleshy thigh to lay bare the complex muscles below…
Reawakened by glint of chaotic firelight off the veneer of saliva on bared teeth I forced myself upward hoping to surface.
I was growing desperate to awaken from this horrible reoccurring nightmare."
I'd agree with Nathan's comments, but I also think the structuring of the opening is a little off. I think it's where and when the details of the scene are presented. The character is in an inferno, a burning forest, but it takes a long time to work this out clearly. Yes, there is the danger of the wolf, but I don't think it would preclude the danger of the burning forest. The fire all around would be a huge part of the sensory experience of that moment. I think it has to be there immediately, right from the start. ie, something like "The wolf circled me in the burning forest."
Otherwise I have to go back and sort of re-edit the scene in my mind. The timing isn't right, so I sort of say "Oh, there's a fire" and then "Oh, the whole forest is burning!" and then "oh, the whole forest is burning and a whole pack of wolves is going up in smoke and wails!"
I think if you get the sequencing right you'll get the big picture first, and then you can zoom in here and there on the details where appropriate.
Best of luck!
Good point, Bryan/Ink. Agreed.
"The dreams were more getting vivid"
This phrase makes clear that the
"just kidding" opening is an integral part of the plot to be developed.
Kermit Rose
I’ve been waiting all day, wondering when I should jump in on this…and now I feel like I should have been jumping in all along.
First, thank you, Nathan! You've given me some great insights and things to chew on. At the risk of sounding brown nosy and cheesy, I truly am honored that you took the time to critique this. You seem to really care about your readership and your craft, and I know many echo that sentiment!
Second, thanks, readers! Your honest critiques are very helpful. Thick skin is something one develops quite quickly in this business, and I appreciate both the good and the bad. I also appreciate that everyone has been playing nice. There have been loads of insights from you all as well, and I feel very fortunate.
Interesting and excellent exercise.
I also have gone back and forth with the dream. (And yes, it does come back later in the story.)
The 250 word cap was difficult as well. I want to say, “But, there’s so much moooorrrre….” 🙂 However, I do understand the significance of catching the reader on the first page.
I also think this is another place where the exercise on the 1 sent, 1 para, 2 para pitch can be useful.
Hopefully when a first page is read, the page didn't just appear magically and by itself (I now have visions of first pages falling from the sky or being pulled out of cereal boxes.). More likely, either a query with a pitch or a book with a blurb came with it. And I think (like JT Shea mentioned), if you knew a little bit about the premise of each one pager, the enticement to read more might be greater. But, again, the writer can’t rely solely on that either.
Thanks, again. I, of course, would love to hear more. 🙂
Just a short commet that this book is ranking # 75 on Authonomy and I already commentted there. Good luck with it once it hits the Editor's desk.
"The animal paused. Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled." – I love this too, and I agree on the short staccato rhythm. Also, that image made me pause, and take in the scene before the chase began. I like that.
Well done Heidi for posting first! 😉
Thanks Nathan for a great lesson in critiquing, I have learnt so much in this quick exercise that I'm feeling rather giddy! 😉 What a great Monday post!
Nathan,
An awesome and FAN-tastic new feature. I've been fortunate to have my work critiqued by literary agents in the past and it's always amazing how different it is than some of the advice heard in writer's groups.
Hopefully these "sessions" with you help us all be both better writers and critique givers.
Your nit about the wolf's teeth is so spot on. As I read that I knew it was "off" but couldn't place it and had to "power through" rather than just flow through the reading.
That same line also gave me a "HUH?" moment when it threw out there the detail about fire. This is a problem I have and am working on in my own writing (and my agent always calls me on). There is a difference between a teasing detail that makes the reader want to know more and one that has us go…HUH? To that point there had been no mention of fire and to throw it out there in a reflection of the wolf's tooth just didn't work for me.
Anyway just my 2 cents. Heidi kudos to you for sharing this and congrats on some pretty clean prose that we can "debate over" some of the finer points.
🙂
I like the tension it created. Too bad it was just a dream. Maybe the dream is prophetic and I can get my real action scene later? 😉 Great writing.
First, Nathan, thank you so much for "Page Critique Monday"! This is a fantabulous feature, like a mini master's session for aspiring writers. Invaluable. Whole new vistas of enlightenment and understanding have opened up already.
Second, to Heidi, awesome excerpt! And congratulations on the critique. You're a brave woman.
I enjoyed your 250 words and definitely wanted to read more. If the writing is clean and engaging, as in this case, then I'm willing to go along with a potentially problematic device like opening with a dream sequence. I wanted to continue and had that sense of "hurry, hurry!" that makes for a fast, entertaining read.
I also really enjoyed your evocative imagery. As a fellow member of the Overwriter's Club, I have printed out Nathan's comments to use as a measuring stick when I enter revisions. I might not agree on all items (I liked the detail of the gleaming teeth reflecting the flames, for example), but I could understand where he was coming from. However, for me personally, I liked your style, word choice and voice.
Thank you for being a courageous guinea pig for us all to learn from, and best of luck to you with your writing and career!
To Nathan, thank-you so much for taking the time to do Page Critique Monday. I am learning so much. I have a long way to go with my writing. To Heidi, thank-you for your courage. I only hope one day I can do the same thing. Keep up the good work.
Never fear, anyone. If you love what you do enough, I don't see how you couldn't improve. :]
This was extremely helpful – thank you!
Maybe you can try the opening without the dream? Or maybe reorder so the dream comes after?
This definitely gave me a sense of Twilight–start in danger (the vampire and death), but REALLY start on the mundane (in a car, on the way to Forks). Since it's been done a lot by Meyer loyalists, be careful about your opening become run-of-the-mill.
I also think the in-danger intro would be more breath-catching if the wolf DIDN'T run away; the protag runs away, if you will, by opening his eyes and the "it was all a dream" bit.
So its sort of like two letdowns in a row rather than breath-catcher on top of breath-catcher.
But your writing is strong! The pacing and highs and lows and undulations of the story just need to be tweaked a bit.
Good luck with it!
I had the same thoughts/feelings as treeoflife. That said, I would have kept reading even though the "just kidding, it's a dream" thing bugged me, because it was definitely engrossing.
Thanks again to Nathan and the intrepid Pearl!
Heidi–I think you have a potential opening scene that can grip the reader right away. I'm interested to learn about the events that led to the wolf circling.
Nathan–Great value add for the blog. Wasn't sure how this would look in action, but this feature is a great new reason to look forward to Mondays.
I had a question about your book and revision. You may have addressed it in a previous post. In case you haven't, how much has Jacob Wonderbar changed since you first submitted your MS? Of that change, how much was pre and post inking your deal?
I'm working on an MS and found your post about being a reviser to be so true. Revising has been taking me longer than writing the first draft.
thanks as always.
Whew – I just now got a chance to look in again. Fascinating posts, everybody!
Re: a middle grade would be okay, too – great! Thanks, Nathan.
I am a strong believer that almost any dream sequence should be cut. It's a hacky way of foreshadowing, a clumsy mechanism for exposition, and a phony way to add action to a story lacking it.
The story is the stuff that the characters do, and the stuff that happens to them. Dreams do not happen, and, by definition, are not part of the story.
Unless the book's core thematic exploration is about the nature of dreams, and the dream sequences are a real structural element, they don't belong in the book. In other words, if you aren't Salvador Dali, Luis Bunuel or Terry Gilliam, skip the dreams.
I think a lot of writers go to dream openings because they have been led to believe they need to open on an action beat, and the dream seems like a good way to achieve that goal. But you don't need to start with a fight; you need to start with the story.
The idea that the opening needs to be an action sequence is a misinterpretation of the rule that you should start with the beginning of the story, with the things that happen, rather than with backstory, world-building, info-dumping or exposition.
Opening on an action beat is often a bad idea, because it focuses on the mechanics of the action rather than introducing the characters. If your action beat reveals something about the characters, it can be a fine opening, but a lot of times it doesn't.
An unhelpful action opener looks like this:
MC is fighting somebody. The opponent punches, MC blocks. MC counters, but the opponent dodges. Then MC sweeps his leg and knocks the opponent down. MC smiles.
We don't know anything about the characters, so we are not invested in this fight or its outcome. And at the end of this, we don't know anything about the characters that we didn't know before, other than that they know how to fight, and that MC is maybe a little better than the opponent.
A more helpful action beginning would look like this:
Bully antagonist punches MC in the face. MC falls down, and rubs at his injured nose. MC's hand comes away bloody, so MC smears the blood on the bully's clean white sneakers. Bully, enraged, punches MC again. MC figures it was worth it.
Here, at least, we've learned that our MC is physically vulnerable, but he can be a little bit vindictive and a little bit masochistic. He's kind of dark, and that's interesting.
But the violence or the action isn't what draws the reader in; it's the conflict, it's story happening. Action scenes, like sex scenes can be exciting, but they're rarely the meat of the narrative. The story and its tension lends punch to the action sequences, not the other way around.
Consider this possible opening, which utilizes a much lower-key conflict:
MC gets on a bus. He's wearing a thousand-dollar suit, but it's all rumpled and dirty. He's got a black eye and dried blood crusted on his ear. Bus Driver says: "Exact fare only." MC pulls out his billfold, and it's stuffed with hundred-dollar bills. He peels one off and hands it to the driver. "This is all I got." Driver says: "Exact fare only." MC says: "How about you keep the change?" Bus Driver shrugs and pockets the hundred. Bus Driver: "If you've got all them Bennies, what're you doing riding the bus?" MC: "How about you keep your questions, too?"
The conflict in this scene is that the guy wants to get on a bus, and doesn't have exact fare. But that's all you need to do to put us into the story, because things are happening here. What's this guy been doing? Why is he on the bus? Where did he get the money?
RC-
Quite a bit has changed actually. Truthfully I'm not yet done completely but will probably post about it at some point.