It’s Monday, which means it’s time for our new regular feature (can a feature be both new and regular?): PAGE CRITIQUE MONDAYS!! Which will occasionally be Query Critique Monday, One Sentence/One Paragraph/Two Paragraph Pitch Critique Monday, Synopsis Critique Monday, and New Reality Show Idea Because The Ones I’m Watching Are Kind of Getting Old Critique Monday.
A reminder of the rules (please read before posting because the first eligible comment will get the critique):
1. The first person to enter a 250 word excerpt from the beginning of their novel in the comment section will win the critique. Please also tell us the title and genre.
2. I will update the post with the excerpt, unedited, so we can all read and form our opinions.
3. I will later update the post again with the excerpt now featuring my redlines, thoughts, comments, drawrings, emoticons, and assorted other marginalia (but really only redlines, thoughts, and comments)
4. Feel free to add your own two cents, but remember the sandwich method: positive, extremely polite constructive criticism (and I mean it), positive. I’ve decreed you need to read and heed this creed or I’ll proceed to make you bleed. Indeed.
Here we go!
UPDATE #1: THE EXCERPT
Here is the page. I’ll be back later with a critique, and in the meantime feel free to add your thoughts.
Title: PEARL EDDA
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
The wolf circled me.
Slowly.
Its eyes narrowed; its ears flat against its skull.
It snarled, baring teeth so white the flames reflected off them. My fingers gripped the knife I held pressed against my thigh as I turned with the beast. Each of us biding our time. Engaged in our silent dance amidst the chaos.
Around us, the forest popped and groaned. Flames licked their way up pine trees; concealed embers awaited their turn to wreak havoc; howls sliced through the inferno’s roar as one by one the pack was claimed.
The animal paused. Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled.
Then it bolted, spinning away from me and from the others who were now each ensnared in death’s fiery grip.
Shoving the knife into its sheath, I chased after the beast, but it taunted me with its speed and agility. I burst forward, averting my eyes from the smoldering heaps littering the ground.
I couldn’t look.
I had but one goal – to find her. Somehow I knew the wolf shared that goal, but, unlike me, it had no desire to save her.
“Iven?”
Startled, I opened my eyes, wondering where I was and why my heart was racing. The dreams were more getting vivid and it took me a moment to get my bearings as several images ran through my muddled brain.
Fire…wolves…Salt Lake City…airport…
Olivia.
Relief coursed through me.
She sat in a vinyl chair across from me. Staring at me.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
UPDATE #2: MY CRITIQUE
I think there are some interesting images in this opening, and you can’t really go wrong with a character staring down a wolf. The description evokes the setting, and I think it’s an intriguing setup. Thanks so much to Heidi for participating!
My thoughts can be broken down into two rough categories:
1) The “Just Kidding!” opening: I see a lot of openings that start one way, only to find out that what we thought we were reading wasn’t really happening – either it’s a dream, or the description was such that we were intentionally misled by the author (e.g. we were led to believe it was a shark attack but actually it was just a game of Marco Polo), or some other rug-pulling-out that has the effect of tricking the reader. I call them “Just Kidding!” openings.
This is a dangerous game to play. It can definitely work if handled well and if the effect is very very necessary, but the danger is that it makes it extremely difficult to establish trust between reader and author. It’s the literary equivalent of a hand buzzer, and the reader may feel like the joke’s on them. After this opening, everything is potentially a dream sequence, and the effect can be exhausting. It’s tough to take anything at face value.
If you’re going to begin in this fashion, I think it’s extremely important to catch the reader right after the dream: the author has to assure the reader in some fashion that there was a point to beginning in that fashion, whether it’s because the protagonist has a concrete takeaway or there’s a second shiny object that catches our interest and makes us forget the rug-pulling or some other way of smoothing over the dislocation the reader is feeling.
In this case though, the protagonist is basically recapping what we already saw and if anything introducing a further mystery, and there’s not enough of a sense that okay, yes, just kidding that was a dream, but there’s a reason we started this way and you’re in sure hands. So in this trust fall, I’m not quite sure the author catches us.
2) Descriptions that are mouthfuls: There are some strong images here that really helped us get a sense of setting, and I particularly liked “Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled.” which is such a clear and precise description. However, there were other times where I felt like the descriptions felt like a mouthful, and I was concerned that it made the opening feel overwritten:
– “baring teeth so white the flames reflected off them” – This is an image that we can definitely picture, but it’s a bit imprecise: just because something is white doesn’t mean it’s reflective, and just because it’s whiter (e.g. “so white”) doesn’t mean it’s going to be more reflective. It’s not the color that makes something reflective, but rather how shiny/reflective it is (black could reflect flames too). Now, this may sound like total nitpicking and not many readers are going to stop and say, “Waiiiiiit a second, just because something is whiter doesn’t mean it’s going to better reflect flames!” Instead, the reader will just experience it as something feeling off. An image like this bothers the brain, even if we sometimes can’t pinpoint exactly why until we stop and think about it. That’s why precision is so important. But even more importantly, I just don’t know that this description flows well. Similarly:
– “My fingers gripped the knife I held pressed against my thigh as I turned with the beast.” I had a hard time tracking this sentence. Is the detail that he/she is holding the knife against his/her thigh really necessary? And what exactly is meant by “turned with the beast”? Are they turning or are they actually circling each other and would that be a more precise description? “turned with the beast” makes it sound as if they’re on a turntable. It’s also not necessary to specify that “my fingers” gripped the knife – unless otherwise specified we’re going to assume he/she is holding the knife in her hands, so saying “my fingers” feels redundant and “I gripped the knife” is sufficient.
– “spinning away from me and from the others who were now each ensnared in death’s fiery grip”: Again, another mouthful that’s difficult to track. Who are the others and how exactly are they ensnared? And what does “spinning” mean – is it literally spinning through the air? If so, that seems like something that may need to be described further so we have the right image.
There are many instances (which I’ll mark below) where it seems like there’s a thought that could be described much more precisely, and I just don’t know that enough is gained by stretching for a more evocative description, especially in an action sequence. There definitely needs to be enough detail to ground the reader, but when it’s overly wordy it slows down the action as the reader tries to unpack the imagery.
REDLINE
Title: PEARL EDDA
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
The wolf circled me.
Slowly. Is this necessary? Usually a word gets its own paragraph when it’s surprising, but is it really surprising for a wolf to circle someone slowly? Do they ever circle someone quickly?
Its eyes narrowed; its ears flat against its skull. Not sure about the sentence fragment or the semi-colon. Wonder if the rhythm would be better if this were two short declarative sentences (like the body on point/hackles paragraph).
It snarled, baring teeth so white the flames reflected off them. My fingers gripped the knife I held pressed against my thigh as I turned with the beast. Each of us biding our time. Tense change. Engaged in our silent dance amidst the chaos. The chaos hasn’t yet been described, so I don’t know that it needs to be referenced if you’re not going to specify. Otherwise, since this scene has so far been focused on the faceoff (I originally thought the flames reflected were from a campfire or something), the reader is just going to think, “Wait, what chaos?”
Around us, the forest popped and groaned. Flames licked their way up pine trees; concealed embers awaited their turn to wreak havoc “awaited their turn” makes it seem like the embers are intelligent/living beings; howls sliced through the inferno’s roar as one by one the pack was claimed. Not sure what’s happening here.
The animal paused. Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled. Love this.
Then it bolted, spinning away from me and from the others who were now each ensnared in death’s fiery grip.
Shoving the knife into its sheath, I chased after the beast, but it taunted me with its speed and agility Is the wolf showing off? Not sure that “taunting” is the right word choice here. I burst forward, averting my eyes from the smoldering heaps littering the ground.
I couldn’t look.
I had but one goal – to find her. Somehow I knew the wolf shared that goal “Shared that goal” feels a little awkward, esp. since “goal” is repeated again, but, unlike me, it had no desire to save her. “had no desire to” seems a tad overwrought. It’s also already clear that they’re not on the same side, so is this necessary to point out?
“Iven?”
Startled, I opened my eyes, wondering where I was and why my heart was racing Would the character really be wondering why their heart is racing? They just had a scary dream. The dreams were more getting vivid and it took me a moment to get my bearings as several images ran through my muddled brain.
Fire…wolves…Salt Lake City…airport… Since we now know this was a dream, it’s important to help the reader feel like they know what they should be taking away from it and to leave them on sure footing. “Salt Lake City” and “airport” introduces a further mystery that the protagonist knows something about and the reader doesn’t, and they may feel like you’re holding out on them.
Olivia.
Relief coursed through me. Feels overwritten. Does relief really “course through”? But also it’s telling: could we see what this character does/how they react when they feel relieved?
She sat in a vinyl chair across from me I like the detail of “vinyl chair”. Simple, but helps give a mental image. Staring at me.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
This was great, everyone! Thanks again!
Nathan, would it be okay if I posted your critique on my blog?
Also, since some of you talked about reading more, here's a shameless plug…
PEARL EDDA is about the ancient Norse world colliding with modern day Montana on the eve of the Norse world’s demise. (Still working on that 1 sentence pitch…. :))
Like Firetulip mentioned, I've uploaded a portion of the book on Harper Collins’ website: Authonomy. I don't want to put a link on Nathan's comments (not sure how that messes with Blogger), so you may have to google Authonomy.
Off to revise and edit….
Thanks so much for doing this, and everyone for all your comments. It's nice to see some consistent messages there.
One thing I'm wondering though is, have most published novels been gone through with such a fine-tooth comb? While there are many valid criticisms that need addressing, it seems to me that they go beyond that.
Ie – the comment about the embers awaiting their turn, and a few of the less-than-perfect sentences – I'm sure I've read books that haven't been so carefully edited. At least it seemed that way to me.
On a similar note, I'm revising my novel at the moment, and find that I can drive myself insane because each sentence can be written about 100 different ways (not to mention each scene has numerous approaches) so how do you pick the right one?
Without 90 readers advising you that is…
Thanks!
Dear Heidi and Nathan,
I just wanted to add my two cents (probably less :)) here. Since this is a YA novel, I think while reviewing it, it makes sense to focus on the target audience. What might feel overwritten and overly dramatic to a forty-year-old would be just fine for a teenager. From a literary standpoint, Nathan's critique is spot-on. From the point of view of a 13-15-year-old, starting with a dream, with "just kidding", in a middle of things when so much is happening, is just the ticket.
I have not been following your blog long enough to know if you ever done this, but it will be interesting to hear your thoughts on YA literature and what makes a good YA novel beginning.
I love this Page Critique Monday idea. It lets us into your head and gives us a better idea of what to look for in our own writing. Awesome!
Heidi, I really like the imagery here. I agree with some of the folks who mentioned the language might be a little too flowery/over the top. Call me the pot calling the kettle black – I find myself guilty of the same thing all the time. I'm not bothered so much by the dream sequence, but I do feel 'ho-hum, back to the real world' once we're out of it. I think (as another earlier comment mentioned) that replacing this dream sequence action with some real action might better serve? And it would draw us closer to your character and give us some up front reason to root for him/her – or not.
I definitely dig your writing style in the dream sequence part. Your writing does feel somewhat if not drastically different as you move from the fantasy to the reality of your story. Not necessarily bad, just doesn't feel like it fits.
Great job! Way to go with the fast typing. 🙂
Have to say – Josin,your opening looks really good. That's one I really wanted to read more of.
Heidi, I commend your bravery! However I'm with the majority on this; I won't buy a book that opens with a dream sequence.
I also agreed with the comments re the over-writing, though pared back, there are some nice word choices there.
What I was looking for as a fantasy opening was a hint of your 'concept.' I'm sure you've got something cool tucked away there – maybe shift it up front?
HTH.
Sea,
The more polished your book is, the better your chances. You can't expect anyone to look past flaws, particularly in this day and age, or hope that other people are going to catch them and fix them for you.
Yes, it's tricky. How to make each sentence work? But that's writing. It's about finding your own voice and trusting it. About pushing your words until they're original and true to you, about finding the rhythm and flow that pulls a reader onward.
I'm not sure there's any real way to master that other than to write a lot, and then write some more.
Best,
Bryan
Don't start with a dream. I stop reading. Don't start with the alarm clock, or a phone ringing, or the character's stupid morning commute. Consider starting with something actually happening.
If the character were actually facing a wolf in the opening sequence, that would be pretty cool.
I'm a huge fan of this new feature of the blog, but on re-reading some of Nathan's (and others) analysis, I hope the writer isn't discouraged. Overthinking in writing is bad — but so is overthinking in critiquing. Because, you could take any single novel, award-winning, best-selling, or otherwise and grind them up in this type of over-analysis and the writer is left paralyzed, rethinking every single syllable.
Writers should strive for a union of words and ideas, no one is getting pubbed without some degree of revision and refinement.
BUT, at the same time, open ANY pubbed book and you can denigrate any of it. Even LOOKING FOR ALASKA, which was championed on the blog a few weeks back, has many similar problems — Miles's constant lists are too numerous and cliche in YA; the phrase "I am concussed," makes him sound like an eighty year-old man; Miles himself is more of a witness to Alaska, than an active participant in the novel, he wants her, but takes no steps to make it happen and instead settles for Lara, the kind of inactivity that's a huge no-no for a main character; the Colonel being poor and living in a trailer with a waitress mom is cliche; the entire opening passage is filler, a place to dump the backstory of Miles not having friends, before he even gets to the boarding school, to any action; for that matter the entire prank subplot has zero momentum and only resurfaces to give an outward sign of making ammends with Alaksa's departure. And yet… the book is great. See the dangers of overthinking?
QUOTE FROM TEXT: "….My fingers gripped the knife I held pressed against my thigh as I turned with the beast."
NATHAN'S RESPONSE: "…I had a hard time tracking this sentence. Is the detail that he/she is holding the knife against his/her thigh really necessary? And what exactly is meant by "turned with the beast"? Are they turning or are they actually circling each other and would that be a more precise description? "turned with the beast" makes it sound as if they're on a turntable. It's also not necessary to specify that "my fingers" gripped the knife – unless otherwise specified we're going to assume he/she is holding the knife in her hands, so saying "my fingers" feels redundant and "I gripped the knife" is sufficient…."
Nathan, thanks. I'd be interested to hear how much change came from your beta reader/agent/editor versus how much came from you and the ideas you had due to the passage of time.
Anon at 6:35–I think your point is so true. So much of reading and writing is subjective and once you move from the obvious ones, you enter a grey area defined by preference. My guess is most writers/publishers end up using the golden rule when they have a sincere difference of opinion. Whoever is deemed to have more gold, rules.
This series is ridiculously helpful! It is truly giving me a fresh pair of eyes as I read my own writing, and allowing me to hear the story through the mental voice of the reader (instead of my own, overly-forgiving perspective). Thank you so very much, Nathan. It's awesome.
anon-
I definitely agree that no one should overthink their writing such that they get paralyzed. At the same time, many of the points you bring up about LOOKING FOR ALASKA are outside the scope of a page critique, and the one you do point out ("I am concussed") is an example, I would argue, of really good writing. The point of that is that it doesn't sound like Pudge, so he's demonstrating how messed up he is by saying it. That's good writing.
I agree that you can tinker endlessly with anyone's writing, but I also think your comment has a false equivalency. Just because we can critique anyone's work doesn't mean we should stop trying to sort out which things work and which don't. There's a certain degree of subjectivity to this, but not endless subjectivity. A well-written sentence is a well-written sentence.
One of the things I've noticed in my critique group is the variance of opinions that can come. I listen for the like and differing opinions, especially giving weight to those from the members who I believe would actually be readers if my book were out. There are two or three members that might never be attracted to my writing if it was out. I listen to their comments a little differently as they–unconsciously or consciously-may need more so to refashion writing according to their own preferences.
A professional editor will not try to change a writer or write for them.
It takes practice and discipline, in a critique of a work outside your own preference, to listen to what interrupts the flow of the writer's story or voice or structure and not redirect.
Also, it is very hard to give story critique to 250 words, much like it would be to go on a trip with someone you have said hello to at the corner for the first time.
From these 250 words, overall I was drawn in, i.e. Now, I might consider going on a vacation with the writer. I at least am going out for a meal with them now.
Sea said,"One thing I'm wondering though is, have most published novels been gone through with such a fine-tooth comb?"
Sea…absolutely not. This is a blogging event/feature that deals with writing, and that's why it's being examined so closely. It's all about discussion and you can either agree or disagree and then do whatever you want to do 🙂
Another comment:
A suggestion that I have:
The first bit through "desire to save her" could be a short, exciting prologue.
And then, instead of the "It's a dream" stop, begin with chapter one in the story elsewhere.
This way, you get to keep the gripping opening without jarring the reader (or the just kidding shock).
A thought anyway.
Then you can come back and build in the necessary dream issues that Iven is having and later (it seems integral) weave back the wolf circling confrontation that seems likely to be central to the story as well as a gripping opening.
Not on subject, but very important to authors here…and everywhere!
See–> https://www.idealog.com/blog/
Haste yee back 😉
Thanks for your reply, Nathan.
"… many of the points you bring up about LOOKING FOR ALASKA are outside the scope of a page critique…"
No, they aren't, they just might not occur on the FIRST page, but depending on what page you are on, they are valid points. In the same vein that saying a "Just Kidding" opening is bad, LOOKING's info dump on the first page is just as unbecoming.
In the pages that follow, which would be addressed if we continued on with a "page" critique, we find the cliched poor mom living in a trailer and working as a waitress, the use of endless lists,the MC's entire journey being passive not active, the prank subplot that gets lost and then reappears out of nowhere when an emotional point needs to be made, etc.. So, if you open up to a different page, you'll still find all that.
(btw, I love LFA. I own two copies, like I said, it's a great book.)
"… Just because we can critique anyone's work doesn't mean we should stop trying to sort out which things work and which don't…"
I didn't imply we all shouldn't work our hardest and keep learning. Why would we flock to this beloved blog if we didn't care? I said if you do this to any book — even your favorite book — you'll come up with many of the same things.
anon-
But again, I feel like the things you're pointing out are outside the scope of a page critique. I don't think you could really point to sentences on the first page of LFA that are written poorly. It may not be how you personally like novels to begin, but the writing is brilliant. Sentences like these "Still, my mother persevered, awash in the delusion that I had kept my popularity secret from her all these years." represent really, really good writing.
I don't even feel like the first page of LFA is an info dump. It opens with his mom planning a going-away party that he's not looking forward to – how is that an info dump?
But setting that aside, my basic feeling is that we personally might not like this or that opening, but what I'm looking for as an agent and as a critiquer is whether the page succeeds at what it's trying to do. I'm not thinking about whether it's something I personally would write or read. And note that I didn't rule out "just kidding" openings, just that I don't think this one works (yet) as it stands. But I think Heidi will find a way to make it work.
Yes, we can definitely critique anything. But there's not endless subjectivity. At some point good writing is just good writing.
This is a silly argument. Just because you can critique any piece of writing, doesn't mean all writing is equal and critiquing is pointless. Let's face it: Some stuff works better than others, and the whole point of the exercise is to see how to improve things.
You don't have to defend anything Nathan. I'm sure the vast majority of the readers here get it.
It's an info dump because it's backstory — the real story doesn't start until three pages later when he first arrives at the boarding school. Since we never hear about his "old" friends again, it probably would've been best to weave in his thoughts about his going away party/old friends into the text while he was at the boarding school moving in his furniture with the Colonel or whatever.
Does it matter? Not to me, because I love the book. Not to you, because you love the book. To page critique of the fashion we are presently involved in? Yes, because the first scene has nothing to do with, nor does it hint at what is to come (the old friends and his home life don't matter where he is going).
If that section were a mere paragraph at the beginning, that would've been fine, too. It would've grounded us as a reader to the simple fact that this is his first year at boarding school. But because the section is three pages, yes, that seems like an info dump.
I'll stop posting before I piss you off. 🙂
Sorry — I meant to delete my last post not post it.
It really doesn't matter what I think in this instance, and I feel I'm splitting hairs.
No more posts from me, I promise.
I haven't read "Looking For Alaska," but I wanted to comment on something Anon said:
"Miles himself is more of a witness to Alaska, than an active participant in the novel, he wants her, but takes no steps to make it happen and instead settles for Lara, the kind of inactivity that's a huge no-no for a main character"
This is absolutely incorrect. A main character can exhibit any sort of quality a real person might exhibit, as long as the book is about something happening. An indecisive, or passive main character is completely valid, as is a main character whose arc is to fail in a major objective. A character who reacts to events can be as effective as one who drives them, as long as the events flow organically from the story. His inability to assert himself can be a perfectly valid flaw that complicates his problems.
A story about a character who loses or misses out on romantic love and settles into a relationship he feels less passionate about may present marketing challenges. But it's functional as a narrative, and there's no reason it can't be compelling.
The concern about a main character who doesn't do much is you end up with a story where nothing happens; this is a common defect of the twenty-something slacker genre.
But there are plenty of great books that build excellent stories about passive characters. For example, the central arc of "Hamlet" is that the protagonist ought to do something, but doesn't want to do anything.
anon-
You're not pissing me off. I just don't see it as an info dump because where he comes from is important to the story, and Green showed by constructing an actual scene. He didn't start off "There's a kid and he's not very popular and his parents wanted what's best for him so they sent him to private school." Instead he shows it in an actual scene.
I don't see why a story has to begin precisely where the main plot starts. Something should get going in the opening, but it doesn't have to be the main plot arc. The Hobbits didn't leave for Mordor on Page One. Ishmael didn't go looking for Moby Dick on Page One. etc. etc.
Thanks Victoria 🙂
So, I only have a few things to add because the critiques have been very thorough.
In terms of the dream sequence, knowing it was fantasy, I was fine with it. A dream sequence in fantasy can mean psychic connection, alternate universe, prohetic dreams, alternate personas and lots of other wonderful things. A dream sequence in fantasy, makes me settle into my chair saying to myself: oh cool. what's this about?
On the other hand, I think Nathan is right on the ball with the idea that this needed something(a new idea for me, thanks Nathan) because the reader needed a bit more grounding. Just one or two quick sentences, bringing the reader back into the physical world – the clock ticked, the sheets on my bed were soaked. And maybe strenghten the sentence that the nightmares were reoccuring, so the reader knows it's a major plot point, and not just a trick. I think that would work, although I'm not positive.
The wolf scene was exciting to me, but I had trouble getting into the story, because my smooth flow of reading kept being interrupted with my own questions: what? what's happening? Is this a group? what heaps on the ground? Why was the wolf posed to attack and suddenly turn around, huh?
I felt relieved that Olivia was alive and well. So, you hooked me there. 🙂
Lots of promise in this story. I'd keep reading – and I'm your target audience, so there you go! But a few tweaks would make it stronger – so it would grab the reader and not let the reader go.
Good luck, Heidi! 🙂
New to the blog, short-term lurker. Thanks Nathan for sharing your wisdom, and Heidi for sharing your work.
I get the sense that the dream sequence is actually a premonition of a real event to come. Good.
Therefore, I can see it working better as a prologue/frame to avoid calling it a dream. It would mean tweaking the para about Iven awakening with Olivia sitting across from him, but it might solve the "gotcha" problem.
I was confused by "Fire, wolves, Salt Lake City, airport". I assumed Iven awoke in a hospital bed,(vinyl chair reference) and that the Salt Lake City Airport, was another (mysterious) layer of his dream/premonition.
I would have understood better if that list was cut in two somehow. Two are dream references, two are about real-time orientation.
Agree with Ink that the action is out of order. Wolf and man circling each other WHILE a forest fire blazes all around could be clearer earlier. Like Nathan, I first thought "flames reflected" meant a campfire.
"As one by one the pack was claimed" sounds off to me. I think you mean individual wolves were being consumed by fire. As in, one by one (each member) of the pack was claimed.
Also wondered how the wolf and Iven can avoid being burned to a crisp since the rest of the pack was incinerated in this inferno.
Once again, kudos to both Nathan and Heidi. Enjoyed both reads.
Okay, I just printed off and read everything posted so far, and even though I probably should keep quiet…well, I’m not going to. ☺
Although I agree with a lot that has been said (both the good and the bad), I feel I owe it to myself and my writing to weigh in again.
Please bear with me, because since there is a character limit, this will take more than one comment boxes.
1.Dream sequence
I’m looking at it, but I haven’t made up my mind whether or not to keep it.
I thought about uploading just the dream as my first page (I intentionally pared it down to be able to introduce the airport bit.). However, I think the discussion has been a lot more lively since I uploaded both, so I’m glad I used both.
It does beg the question of the trust fall. I’m not saying that I definitely caught the reader, but with the word limit, I don't think that question can be totally answered until reading further.
Incidentally, in the MS the dream is in italics, which may or may not clue in the reader.
2.Mouthfuls
The white teeth reflection debate, my fingers gripped, the wolf spinning, the others ensnared…I will look at all and tweak and edit and revise.
Personally I thought it was cool that the flames reflected off the uber white teeth. ☺
3. Nathan’s critique
Of course I am looking very carefully at what you said. So, please, please, please do not be insulted when I say while I agree with most, I don’t completely agree with all. I’ve put my thoughts on the critique are in parentheses.
Title: PEARL EDDA
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
The wolf circled me.
Slowly. Is this necessary? Usually a word gets its own paragraph when it’s surprising, but is it really surprising for a wolf to circle someone slowly? Do they ever circle someone quickly?
(Since this is YA fiction, what may be obvious to an adult reader, may not be obvious to a twelve year old. So, maybe it is necessary? Or at the least, not a throwaway.)
Its eyes narrowed; its ears flat against its skull. Not sure about the sentence fragment or the semi-colon. Wonder if the rhythm would be better if this were two short declarative sentences (like the body on point/hackles paragraph).
(Totally agree here. It is a typo. I missed it.)
It snarled, baring teeth so white the flames reflected off them. My fingers gripped the knife I held pressed against my thigh as I turned with the beast. Each of us biding our time. Tense change.
(I don’t necessarily agree with wrong tense, but I do agree with wrong person number. I will change this. Especially since by putting “his” instead of “our” gives the reader gender clues.)
Engaged in our silent dance amidst the chaos. The chaos hasn't yet been described, so I don't know that it needs to be referenced if you're not going to specify. Otherwise, since this scene has so far been focused on the faceoff (I originally thought the flames reflected were from a campfire or something), the reader is just going to think, "Wait, what chaos?"
(Hmmm…I’m thinking on this one. I think the reader SHOULD be saying, “Wait. What chaos?” The next sentences resolve that question.)
Around us, the forest popped and groaned. Flames licked their way up pine trees; concealed embers awaited their turn to wreak havoc "awaited their turn" makes it seem like the embers are intelligent/living beings; howls sliced through the inferno’s roar as one by one the pack was claimed. Not sure what's happening here.
(I can see your point on the embers. However, I’m not sure it’s another throwaway. I could add the pack at the beginning so it’s clear there is more than one wolf. Actually there are hundreds of wolves, and they are NOT werewolves, but they aren’t wolf wolves either…but that’s way down the plot line. ☺)
The animal paused. Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled. Love this.
(Thanks.)
Then it bolted, spinning away from me and from the others who were now each ensnared in death’s fiery grip.
Shoving the knife into its sheath, I chased after the beast, but it taunted me with its speed and agility Is the wolf showing off? Not sure that "taunting" is the right word choice here.
(Yes, when it gets to this point in real life, the wolf is totally showing off, and not in a pleasant way.)
I burst forward, averting my eyes from the smoldering heaps littering the ground.
I couldn’t look.
I had but one goal – to find her. Somehow I knew the wolf shared that goal "Shared that goal" feels a little awkward, esp. since "goal" is repeated again
(Yes, I do know the “rule” about using a word twice. Needs revising.)
, but, unlike me, it had no desire to save her. "had no desire to" seems a tad overwrought. It's also already clear that they're not on the same side, so is this necessary to point out?
(I can rework this too. Maybe introduce earlier that he needs to save her. On another note, Bryan Russell’s comment about big picture is something I will look at as well.)
“Iven?”
Startled, I opened my eyes, wondering where I was and why my heart was racing Would the character really be wondering why their heart is racing? They just had a scary dream.
(Point taken. I also liked what Anon said about this part being out of order.)
The dreams were more getting vivid and it took me a moment to get my bearings as several images ran through my muddled brain.
Fire…wolves…Salt Lake City…airport… Since we now know this was a dream, it's important to help the reader feel like they know what they should be taking away from it and to leave them on sure footing. "Salt Lake City" and "airport" introduces a further mystery that the protagonist knows something about and the reader doesn't, and they may feel like you're holding out on them.
(Except it goes from the elements of the dream to the elements of where he is currently. Totally agree with the sure footing, not sure that I’m not bringing the reader to sure footing.)
Olivia.
Relief coursed through me. Feels overwritten. Does relief really "course through"? But also it's telling: could we see what this character does/how they react when they feel relieved?
(I can agree here. I do have a question though. Obviously showing is better than telling, but does telling never have a place? Here maybe not, but elsewhere?)
She sat in a vinyl chair across from me I like the detail of "vinyl chair". Simple, but helps give a mental image.
(Thanks.)
Staring at me.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
5. Final(ish) thoughts
I don’t have any visions of winning a Pulitzer with Pearl Edda. I completely understand that it’s a piece of commercial fiction.
That being said, do I still want it to be the best piece of commercial fiction that I can produce? Absolutely. Will I edit and revise relentlessly until it shines? Of course. Am I grateful for this opportunity to put my writing on the line? You bet! I’ve quite enjoyed the discussion. Although it would have been great to have uploaded a perfect piece, the teacher in me is kind of glad I didn’t.
So again, thanks, everyone, for weighing in, for picking apart, for helping me see another side or two!
The power went out in our neighborhood yesterday so I wasn't able to participate. 🙁
I did want to get my .02¢ in, though!
On the matter of cliches: People tend to forget that there's a difference between cliche and typical life. A poor family living in a beat up trailer with a diner working mom is not cliche, it's a pretty common fact of life. It may not be *your* reality but it is reality for many – enough for it to *not* be a cliche.
This idea also applies to colloquialisms. Colloquialisms are just that, colloquials. Cliche is cliche. Big difference in definitions. To say, "as useless as tits on a boar hog" is character development, it shows regional aspects, life in the country, etc. Sure, it's used *a lot* in the south and that's all the more reason why it's a colloquialism and not a cliche. People tend to confuse these, too, calling them cliches.
In my opinion, which I'll admit is isn't worth much to most, you have to look at the whole picture before throwing out the word cliche, a word that is overused more often than not, making it a cliche.
Oh darn, Heidi. A dream sequence:) Have to admit to disappointment as I was just getting interested in the wolf scene. I had an actual wolf encouter myself so wanted to see how you handled it. Didn't like having to change gears from dream to reality – so mundane by comparison. I did, however, enjoy many of the same descriptive phrases as other posters.
The really marvelous thing about this exercise is the scope of perspectives coming into play on the writing sample.
This sample, and its critiques (however many there are) can and should be used as a measuring stick for the writer's work in general, which is especially invaluable considering the amount of dedicated attention the sample is given by a literary agent (how often will there ever be such detailed feedback on submitted works by a literary agent?), and many other writers both published and otherwise.
You can never have too many critiques, since each is offering their own experience and suggestions. The more you recieve, the greater the amplitude of perspective with which you can evaluate your work, applying those suggestions you feel will best serve your work and individual style.
I love this feature, Nathan. It's such a good idea. Thank you so much for taking the time to show us what you think works and doesn't work in writing.
Nathan, that back-and-forth you had with Anon about the opening not being (or being) an info dump…
SO interesting.
I have the same kind of conundrum in my story opening. The first scene isn't the main plot… it's backstory, and it's not short-sentence staccato either. According to most people, that style of opening would be "wrong."
I would enjoy a post on this, by the way. 🙂
As always, I'm a week behind in catching up with Nathan's posts and despite the fact that everyone has moved on, I was compelled to comment about this.
I was really impressed by the opening passage (the dream sequence). The writing – particularly the unique detail in laying out the scene – really grabbed me. I was actually a bit dismayed at being ripped from the setting I'd just invested myself in (and in ~100 words, no less), but it was enough to have kept me going for a couple more pages to see if the author could treat the real world in such well-crafted form.
As for Nathan's redline, I found all but one aspect of it insightful:
Flames licked their way up pine trees; concealed embers awaited their turn to wreak havoc;… "awaited their turn" makes it seem like the embers are intelligent/living beings;
Heidi, if I could make one humble request as an anonymous commenter, it would be that you not touch this line. I considered it a masterstroke of detail and it sold me on trusting you as a writer. It demonstrated, at the very least, that you have a basic understanding of the craft. In fact, I actually stopped and reread it thinking 'wow! what a spectacular line!'
Personification can be one of the most useful literary devices…and one of the most difficult to pull off effectively. You hit a homerun with this one.
Nathan's red ink is a valid concern if that's the only use of more advanced literary technique in the story (it is YA, after all), but in this case, I hope you let it slide.
If you are reading this, the executor of my estate sold my diary to a publisher, which means it’s a sure-fire best seller because he doesn’t do anything for free, a blockbuster of a story about the time I spent on this side with the international bombshell, Marilyn Monroe, as well as other ghosties stuck between worlds. It also means I’m tiptoeing through the heavenly tulips, smelling the eternally fragrant roses, dallying in luminescent daisies that never wilt, and any number of other descriptive ways to say a person was pushing up the aforementioned and eternal daisies basking in perpetual sunshine. But more importantly, you aren’t dead and still have a chance to pick up where I left off and walk a mile in my size nines.
YA Comedy: 81K
THE INCREDIBLE, TRUE-LIFE ADVENTURES OF THE LATE
ABLE BAKER CHARLIE:
GHOST WHISPERING SHRINK
PM Flynn
Keeping Julia Alive
Women's Fiction
St. Christopher’s grave welcomed the rare June rainfall that fell from the hazy skies above Burbank. His companions, all named after saints, rested in what the locals called the nicest pet cemetery on earth. Stones of all shapes and sizes were perched atop each of the small plots, their gray tones muted by the wild flowers growing with frenzy in the climate perfectly suited for flowering buds. The bountiful orange trees that canopied the plot coupled with the overpowering fragrance of jasmine and roses often had Laura wishing that she could be buried in her backyard when it was her time to go.
“I mean, seriously, Jake, wouldn’t that be just so divine?” proclaimed the natural beauty to one of her cats as she playfully chased him around the house with a peacock feather. The sound of her bare feet against the hardwoods thumped as she played with him until they both fell to the floor. For a brief moment her saucer shaped eyes became transfixed at the rainfall pouring from the sky. She was happy when her beloved town received a cleansing in the form of rain and for a moment she recalled how much fun she and Julia had during the El Niño winters as they would bombard puddles with their playful stomps.
Thanks, k10wstna!
Hi Heidi,
It was Interesting reading your thoughts. I do like the one line with personification of the embers. I think you should keep it too.
Just to let you know, it was not obvious to me that "Salt Lake City…airport" meant where she was in the real world. I thought it referred to another part of the dream that we didn't know about. So I think you should clarify that. Although I don't think it should be a dream at all (see my above comment about using a different framing device).
Anyway, best of luck!