It’s Monday, which means it’s time for our new regular feature (can a feature be both new and regular?): PAGE CRITIQUE MONDAYS!! Which will occasionally be Query Critique Monday, One Sentence/One Paragraph/Two Paragraph Pitch Critique Monday, Synopsis Critique Monday, and New Reality Show Idea Because The Ones I’m Watching Are Kind of Getting Old Critique Monday.
A reminder of the rules (please read before posting because the first eligible comment will get the critique):
1. The first person to enter a 250 word excerpt from the beginning of their novel in the comment section will win the critique. Please also tell us the title and genre.
2. I will update the post with the excerpt, unedited, so we can all read and form our opinions.
3. I will later update the post again with the excerpt now featuring my redlines, thoughts, comments, drawrings, emoticons, and assorted other marginalia (but really only redlines, thoughts, and comments)
4. Feel free to add your own two cents, but remember the sandwich method: positive, extremely polite constructive criticism (and I mean it), positive. I’ve decreed you need to read and heed this creed or I’ll proceed to make you bleed. Indeed.
Here we go!
UPDATE #1: THE EXCERPT
Here is the page. I’ll be back later with a critique, and in the meantime feel free to add your thoughts.
Title: PEARL EDDA
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
The wolf circled me.
Slowly.
Its eyes narrowed; its ears flat against its skull.
It snarled, baring teeth so white the flames reflected off them. My fingers gripped the knife I held pressed against my thigh as I turned with the beast. Each of us biding our time. Engaged in our silent dance amidst the chaos.
Around us, the forest popped and groaned. Flames licked their way up pine trees; concealed embers awaited their turn to wreak havoc; howls sliced through the inferno’s roar as one by one the pack was claimed.
The animal paused. Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled.
Then it bolted, spinning away from me and from the others who were now each ensnared in death’s fiery grip.
Shoving the knife into its sheath, I chased after the beast, but it taunted me with its speed and agility. I burst forward, averting my eyes from the smoldering heaps littering the ground.
I couldn’t look.
I had but one goal – to find her. Somehow I knew the wolf shared that goal, but, unlike me, it had no desire to save her.
“Iven?”
Startled, I opened my eyes, wondering where I was and why my heart was racing. The dreams were more getting vivid and it took me a moment to get my bearings as several images ran through my muddled brain.
Fire…wolves…Salt Lake City…airport…
Olivia.
Relief coursed through me.
She sat in a vinyl chair across from me. Staring at me.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
UPDATE #2: MY CRITIQUE
I think there are some interesting images in this opening, and you can’t really go wrong with a character staring down a wolf. The description evokes the setting, and I think it’s an intriguing setup. Thanks so much to Heidi for participating!
My thoughts can be broken down into two rough categories:
1) The “Just Kidding!” opening: I see a lot of openings that start one way, only to find out that what we thought we were reading wasn’t really happening – either it’s a dream, or the description was such that we were intentionally misled by the author (e.g. we were led to believe it was a shark attack but actually it was just a game of Marco Polo), or some other rug-pulling-out that has the effect of tricking the reader. I call them “Just Kidding!” openings.
This is a dangerous game to play. It can definitely work if handled well and if the effect is very very necessary, but the danger is that it makes it extremely difficult to establish trust between reader and author. It’s the literary equivalent of a hand buzzer, and the reader may feel like the joke’s on them. After this opening, everything is potentially a dream sequence, and the effect can be exhausting. It’s tough to take anything at face value.
If you’re going to begin in this fashion, I think it’s extremely important to catch the reader right after the dream: the author has to assure the reader in some fashion that there was a point to beginning in that fashion, whether it’s because the protagonist has a concrete takeaway or there’s a second shiny object that catches our interest and makes us forget the rug-pulling or some other way of smoothing over the dislocation the reader is feeling.
In this case though, the protagonist is basically recapping what we already saw and if anything introducing a further mystery, and there’s not enough of a sense that okay, yes, just kidding that was a dream, but there’s a reason we started this way and you’re in sure hands. So in this trust fall, I’m not quite sure the author catches us.
2) Descriptions that are mouthfuls: There are some strong images here that really helped us get a sense of setting, and I particularly liked “Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled.” which is such a clear and precise description. However, there were other times where I felt like the descriptions felt like a mouthful, and I was concerned that it made the opening feel overwritten:
– “baring teeth so white the flames reflected off them” – This is an image that we can definitely picture, but it’s a bit imprecise: just because something is white doesn’t mean it’s reflective, and just because it’s whiter (e.g. “so white”) doesn’t mean it’s going to be more reflective. It’s not the color that makes something reflective, but rather how shiny/reflective it is (black could reflect flames too). Now, this may sound like total nitpicking and not many readers are going to stop and say, “Waiiiiiit a second, just because something is whiter doesn’t mean it’s going to better reflect flames!” Instead, the reader will just experience it as something feeling off. An image like this bothers the brain, even if we sometimes can’t pinpoint exactly why until we stop and think about it. That’s why precision is so important. But even more importantly, I just don’t know that this description flows well. Similarly:
– “My fingers gripped the knife I held pressed against my thigh as I turned with the beast.” I had a hard time tracking this sentence. Is the detail that he/she is holding the knife against his/her thigh really necessary? And what exactly is meant by “turned with the beast”? Are they turning or are they actually circling each other and would that be a more precise description? “turned with the beast” makes it sound as if they’re on a turntable. It’s also not necessary to specify that “my fingers” gripped the knife – unless otherwise specified we’re going to assume he/she is holding the knife in her hands, so saying “my fingers” feels redundant and “I gripped the knife” is sufficient.
– “spinning away from me and from the others who were now each ensnared in death’s fiery grip”: Again, another mouthful that’s difficult to track. Who are the others and how exactly are they ensnared? And what does “spinning” mean – is it literally spinning through the air? If so, that seems like something that may need to be described further so we have the right image.
There are many instances (which I’ll mark below) where it seems like there’s a thought that could be described much more precisely, and I just don’t know that enough is gained by stretching for a more evocative description, especially in an action sequence. There definitely needs to be enough detail to ground the reader, but when it’s overly wordy it slows down the action as the reader tries to unpack the imagery.
REDLINE
Title: PEARL EDDA
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
The wolf circled me.
Slowly. Is this necessary? Usually a word gets its own paragraph when it’s surprising, but is it really surprising for a wolf to circle someone slowly? Do they ever circle someone quickly?
Its eyes narrowed; its ears flat against its skull. Not sure about the sentence fragment or the semi-colon. Wonder if the rhythm would be better if this were two short declarative sentences (like the body on point/hackles paragraph).
It snarled, baring teeth so white the flames reflected off them. My fingers gripped the knife I held pressed against my thigh as I turned with the beast. Each of us biding our time. Tense change. Engaged in our silent dance amidst the chaos. The chaos hasn’t yet been described, so I don’t know that it needs to be referenced if you’re not going to specify. Otherwise, since this scene has so far been focused on the faceoff (I originally thought the flames reflected were from a campfire or something), the reader is just going to think, “Wait, what chaos?”
Around us, the forest popped and groaned. Flames licked their way up pine trees; concealed embers awaited their turn to wreak havoc “awaited their turn” makes it seem like the embers are intelligent/living beings; howls sliced through the inferno’s roar as one by one the pack was claimed. Not sure what’s happening here.
The animal paused. Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled. Love this.
Then it bolted, spinning away from me and from the others who were now each ensnared in death’s fiery grip.
Shoving the knife into its sheath, I chased after the beast, but it taunted me with its speed and agility Is the wolf showing off? Not sure that “taunting” is the right word choice here. I burst forward, averting my eyes from the smoldering heaps littering the ground.
I couldn’t look.
I had but one goal – to find her. Somehow I knew the wolf shared that goal “Shared that goal” feels a little awkward, esp. since “goal” is repeated again, but, unlike me, it had no desire to save her. “had no desire to” seems a tad overwrought. It’s also already clear that they’re not on the same side, so is this necessary to point out?
“Iven?”
Startled, I opened my eyes, wondering where I was and why my heart was racing Would the character really be wondering why their heart is racing? They just had a scary dream. The dreams were more getting vivid and it took me a moment to get my bearings as several images ran through my muddled brain.
Fire…wolves…Salt Lake City…airport… Since we now know this was a dream, it’s important to help the reader feel like they know what they should be taking away from it and to leave them on sure footing. “Salt Lake City” and “airport” introduces a further mystery that the protagonist knows something about and the reader doesn’t, and they may feel like you’re holding out on them.
Olivia.
Relief coursed through me. Feels overwritten. Does relief really “course through”? But also it’s telling: could we see what this character does/how they react when they feel relieved?
She sat in a vinyl chair across from me I like the detail of “vinyl chair”. Simple, but helps give a mental image. Staring at me.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
Heidi J. Johns says
The wolf circled me.
Slowly.
Its eyes narrowed; its ears flat against its skull.
It snarled, baring teeth so white the flames reflected off them. My fingers gripped the knife I held pressed against my thigh as I turned with the beast. Each of us biding our time. Engaged in our silent dance amidst the chaos.
Around us, the forest popped and groaned. Flames licked their way up pine trees; concealed embers awaited their turn to wreak havoc; howls sliced through the inferno’s roar as one by one the pack was claimed.
The animal paused. Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled.
Then it bolted, spinning away from me and from the others who were now each ensnared in death’s fiery grip.
Shoving the knife into its sheath, I chased after the beast, but it taunted me with its speed and agility. I burst forward, averting my eyes from the smoldering heaps littering the ground.
I couldn’t look.
I had but one goal – to find her. Somehow I knew the wolf shared that goal, but, unlike me, it had no desire to save her.
“Iven?”
Startled, I opened my eyes, wondering where I was and why my heart was racing. The dreams were more getting vivid and it took me a moment to get my bearings as several images ran through my muddled brain.
Fire…wolves…Salt Lake City…airport…
Olivia.
Relief coursed through me.
She sat in a vinyl chair across from me. Staring at me.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
Justin and Melinda says
Chapter 1
The reek of rotting fish fluttered into my nostrils as I turned the yellowing pages. Or was it just fish? Even alive they smelled repugnant, making it hard to decipher. I kind of liked it. Being from out of town made my nose more sensitive. The library in my Colorado hometown only carried the scent of aged paper and dust. I snapped the book shut and placed it back on the shelf, finding no interest.
The light faded with the fuming clouds that had begun rolling in on this small town of Rockland, Maine. My mom had asked me to pick up the cream cheese she had forgotten and had told me to be quick if I wanted to stop and get a book.
I ignored this and continued browsing, wanting to take my time. After all, this was my first trip to the Rockland library without my mom tagging along. This summer my wallet finally carried a driver’s license, which meant more freedom. Every part of me needed this, even starved for it.
The fluorescent lights hummed above. They seemed to be kicking into overdrive as the light through the windows continued to weaken. They failed, making it dim between the towering bookshelves. The entire building screamed of neglect, but an irreplaceable character remained intact which, to me, was more important anyway.
Heidi J. Johns says
Title: Pearl Edda
Genre: YA Fantasy
Unrepentant Escapist says
so close
Josin L. McQuein says
If I close my eyes now, I can sneak four minutes before the bell signals next class. Mr. Pace won't care, he's in his own world full of numbers and letters, and I lost track of what he was saying half an equation ago. A nap would be great…
…but then that blue bulb starts up again.
Everyone sits straighter in their seats. There's a pause in the cadence of Mr. Pace's words. The chalk breaks under the pressure of his halt, and his eyes flick left to the silent alarm over the window. He takes a breath, erases his stray mark, and starts over.
This time everyone listens because the sound of his voice gives us something to think about other than the light reflecting off our desks a half beat out of time with our hearts. It doesn't matter that the words are artificially slow, or that his voice is higher than usual, or that Mr. Pace makes a mistake. He never makes mistakes.
We don't look sideways, because no one wants to know that everyone else is as scared as they're trying not to be. Warnings aren't supposed to last this long.
Then the blue turns violet.
H.C.Reignoir says
Lyulf’s presence was rarely required at the harbour. As the Rex, he had more pressing matters to attend to; taking a stroll around the docks was not a common occurrence. This was why, when the traders and sailors saw him amongst them that morning, waiting with the royal guard and Orator Fiona, they considered its import. It didn’t take them long to realise that it was only a few days after Imbolc, which could only mean one thing; new pupils would be arriving soon.
The Academia only accepted new pupils once a year. Soon after Imbolc, with the promise of change still fresh in the air, it was the time for new beginnings. Lyulf would greet the newcomers and Orator Fiona would document it all, like she always did. “Eerie, that one,” an old man whispered to a sailor. “She can chill your heart with a glance.”
As if to punctuate his point, she turned towards them. They scurried away quickly.
“Fiona…” Lyulf started. He was looking at the ship in the distance, just entering the bay, yet he also seemed aware of every movement around him.
“I didn’t intend to do anything,” she said defensively, “unlike you. Do you really plan to go through with it? Essentially attack them?”
“No one will get hurt. Most of the Orators are watching and you are right here to intervene if it is needed.”
“I don’t agree with this; there is surely another way to test a pupil’s competence.”
Eric says
Oldfanged
Horror/comedy
OLDFANGLED
Chapter One
Grisly. Horrific. Baffling.
Those were the grave adjectives the nightly news anchors sprinkled throughout the top story of the eleven o’clock broadcast. The hype was appropriate for a change. Another bizarre murder had taken place. Carl Petnoy was oblivious to the late-breaking report, however, as he napped in his Barcalounger through the entire segment.
“Be safe,” the bottle-blonde live on the scene cautioned before sending it back to the studio.
“Good advice,” her hair-plugged male cohort behind the news desk agreed.
Twenty odd minutes later and the telecast was wrapping-up. In closing, the Channel Seven bobble heads briefly revisited the night’s top story, once more promising new details as the story developed. Then, like flipping a switch, they tossed aside their overly-rehearsed gravitas in exchange for a final bit of chirpy banter before they were played off with a blaring orchestral score.
As was all too often the case, Carl startled awake to the consequences of leaving the television’s volume up while he dozed. The musical crescendo threatened to trigger his tinnitus. If that happened the result would be a warbling screech in his ears that would leave him dizzy and imagining a drunken and tortured electronic song bird caged in his skull. Thankfully, however, this time he was spared.
He clapped violently to turn off the television. Too many claps. The apartment’s lights blinked out instead. A pain shot through his forearm. He was old. Pain was usually shooting somewhere. He ignored it.
Becca says
The Forever Girl, Urban Fantasy
Everyone in town said I was crazy, and maybe I was. But they didn’t say this because they knew my secret. They said it because of my beliefs, as if any religion aside from their own was a phase they could pray someone out of.
Crazy Sophia Parsons. That’s me. Afflicted by a hissing in my mind, like a rattlesnake waiting to strike. No one would ever find out about the noise. Tonight would bring silence.
I lit two white candles on a small stone altar beneath my bedroom windowsill. The flames flickered and cast their shadows over the wooden dishes adorning the pentacle, each filled to the brim with herbs. Moonlight filtered through the trees outside, creating patchwork shadows on the rain-soaked grass below. With one last peek at my ritual notes, I folded them over and tucked them away. The paper’s edge sliced my fingertip and a drop of blood pearled on my skin. It didn’t hold the answers to any of my problems—not that I thought it would. I sucked on the cut to ease the sting.
As I lifted the first dish from the pentacle, sage overpowered the scent of the other herbs. I blew softly across the dish’s surface, uprooting the sage to conjure wisdom. It fell like snow flurries to the ground below, an offering to the earth.
Nathan Bransford says
Okay – Heidi was the first to get chapter and genre in (even if separate comments) so I'm giving it to her.
Heidi J. Johns says
Thank you!
Courtney says
Dang, that was fast.
Liana Brooks says
Just a little late… *sigh*
Heidi J. Johns says
Just found a typo…doggone!
Unrepentant Escapist says
Dancing with wolves… 🙂
H.C.Reignoir says
What happens if there is a tie?
It appears that Josin, Eric, Becca and myself have posted at the same time! Still, Heidi was the first one. 🙂
Mine is a Fantasy Novel (I suppose it is Adult, I wouldn't want a 13-year-old reading it) and at the moment only has a working title.
Eric says
I wouldn't sweat a typo, Heidi.
In my rush to add title and genre, I misspelled my title…only to then discover I already had in the post.
D'oh! and double D'oh!
Mira says
It's true. Heidi and Justin/Melinda posted at the same time. I wonder if Blogger went alphabetically.
Nathan Bransford says
They posted within the same minute, but Blogger still orders chronologically.
Mira says
Okay – cool.
🙂
Good luck, Heidi!
Josin L. McQuein says
I'll probably add more later, but my first thought after finishing the snip was: "It's a dream? Meh."
The writing isn't bad, just a little overwritten IMO (like you polished this section beyond the shine.) It's clear what's going on, and other than a couple stylistic things, I could deal with the over-polish.
However, after the character woke up, I wouldn't read any further.
I'm one of those who hates dream sequence beginnings, and will stop reading as soon as the dreamer wakes. It always feels like the writer's off to the side shouting "Ha-ha! Gotcha!" and negates whatever connection I had with the characters and their plight. Why should I care if the danger isn't real?
It doesn't matter if the dream is a set-up for something later or some kind of premonition. I no longer trust the writer.
I don't mind dream sequences in the body of a story, but not at the beginning. Too many people start that way.
If you start where the story starts, and set-up the fact that the MC is having these kind of dreams, THEN you can work one in without it becoming off-putting.
Justin and Melinda says
Haha I like the alphabetical idea! If I would have been smart enough to add my title and genre in the first place mine might have won. 🙁 Oh well, what can you do. All I know is that after all the refreshing: I NEVER WANT TO SEE THE NAME TYRA AGAIN! 🙂
hannah says
I didn't mind the dream opening, actually–but I have a feeling I'll be in the minority on this one. I thought it worked well.
The semi-colon error in the second paragraph really turned me off, though. I'm anal about semicolons.
The writing is pretty, but I agree with Josin that it might be a little overdone in places. But I like the use of sentence fragments and the scene painting is nice, though I think a little too extensive.
Thanks for sharing with us!
Julieanne Reeves says
Monday's are going to be interesting.
Empty Refrigerator says
Heidi,
Congrats on being the first!
I love this detail: "teeth so white the flames reflected off them." I could really see that. Also loved "popped and groaned" and "flames licked their way." I also liked the vinyl chair – vinyl is so synthetic — a great counterpoint to the forest.
Personally, I don't mind the story starting off as a dream. I like tricks. But I do take the point that the technique of starting off with a dream is possibly overdone, so you may want to consider that. I was a bit pulled out of the story by some of the more dramatic phrasings – specifically, "silent dance amidst the chaos," "ensnared in death's fiery grip." I would consider dropping, "but unlike me, it had no desire to save her" because I think that sentence would be stronger without it (also consider dropping the word "somehow").
I think the suspense and buildup are good. You have an adrenalin-filled passage here. GOOD LUCK~!
John C says
Whenever a book starts with a dream/waking up/reading/watching tv/some other mundane activity I lose interest pretty fast.
Dreams are a special category because it pulls the rug out from under the reader. You can have outlandish otherworldly starts by using a dream but the rest of the novel might be about harvesting pomegranates instead of fighting wolves.
If you start off talking about the dreams, that's a little different and maybe that'd work instead of starting in the dream.
sex scenes at starbucks says
No problems with the writing at all, though I admit I read quickly, not much time today.
I've found RL and in fiction, dreams are far more interesting to the people having them than they are to anyone else. And I think they only belong in stories as an immediate impetus to act. They're a poor device to show character or motivation.
Just opinions, but I think widely held.
I'd rather see your character actually acting, doing, and learn about him that way. And I have no real sense of the story problem from this sequence, mostly because you've "tricked" me into thinking the dream was action so the message, and the messenger, feel unreliable.
Are you certain this is where your story starts?
Good luck with this and thanks for sharing!
Josin L. McQuein says
LoL J&M, glad to know I wasn't the only one sitting on the "refresh" button.
Mesmerix says
I thought the start was great, and then it ended as a dream sequence and went into something else.
Cons: I found the writing style between dream sequence and after to be like two different books. The transition was jarring, like two separate voices. Also, I didn't much like having such a cool beginning turned into a dream sequence and thereby losing the risk factor. "death's fiery embrace" seems overwrought.
Pros: I loved the opening "The wolf circled me." You used some great imagery with "the forest popped and groaned" and "black hackles ruffled." There's definite talent in there.
Emily White says
I agree with Josin about the dream. I was a little put off that all this action that you spent describing in detail didn't really happen. However, I would have kept reading. I could see how the dream was important and how it possibly foreshadowed something.
All in all, a rather interesting first page. 🙂
Krista V. says
The writing here is quite clean and readable, but I had a hard time orienting myself to the setting and characters. So much was happening so fast – and to characters I cared little about, since I didn't have time to get to know them – that I didn't connect with the story itself.
Then I found out the whole scene was a dream sequence and cared even less about what was going on.
Could there be a better place to start the story? One that has the stakes and/or level of conflict of this opening page, but that is actually real?
Good luck!
Amber J. Gardner says
I read the first sentence and instantly thought of Twilight and wanted to stop reading. But that's probably a personal pet peeve.
The only other thing is the overabundance of adjetives and unncecesary description and it being a dream sequence.
Other than that, I do sort of wonder what's coming next.
Justin and Melinda says
Just wanted to make sure first I said congrats Heidi! I like the description you use, but when it gets clustered together I tend to skim by it, not really reading the words. I thought your writing was clean, but agree the dream is risky. It will be interesting to see what Nathan says about that. Good job!
Kathryn Leigh says
Heidi: I really liked the choppiness at the beginning. I was immediately drawn in.
The only thing I didn't like was that I felt a little jerked around. I was having trouble grounding myself in the world of the dream. Then, I had to readjust & ground myself again.
Overall, though, I really liked it. I wanted to know more.
Anonymous says
A lot of good tension kept me on the page. A few overwritten sentences, passive verbs,and cliches would be best cleaned up, but that's just housekeeping. The important point is that you kept me reading with story leading. Thanks for sharing! (You are BRAVE.)
Jen Sadler says
As a reader, I am interested in seeing where this is going. I think the dream will catch a YA Reader's interest, and keep it for awhile. I am interested in see where this is going, and I almost want to know more about the dream. (Granted, this is a 250 word limit.)
As a HS teacher, I would like to see more action, more suspense from the beginning. My students (okay, the boys) LIVE for the action in a novel.
Well done! It looks like a good start.
Thermocline says
You had some nice details that hinted rather than being overt. I especially liked, "smoldering heaps littering the ground." That left a lot for me to imagine without you having to do all the work.
I'm afraid I am in the Don't Start With A Dream camp, though. Jumping right into another location disoriented me. It took a second for me to realize what was going on. The dream felt like a Prologue once I got past it.
kathrynjankowski says
Thanks for sharing your work with us, Heidi. You're a brave soul.
I always appreciate a story that pulls me in right away. You did that, but based on how you chose to focus your details, it felt like the opening was more about the wolf and the forest than the MC.
The flow seemed uneven to me. It appears the narrator's initial goal is surviving a wolf attack and that rather abruptly segues into looking for "her".
I, too, lost interest once it was clear this opening was a dream. Don't get me wrong, I love dream sequences, but when they come at the beginning I feel cheated.
You've got some solid writing chops, Heidi. I'll bet you can find a way to work in the dreams after you've established the basic conflict. Good luck! 😉
Ishta Mercurio says
My original post got rejected for being too long, I'll have to do it as a two-parter. Here's part one:
Heidi, kudos for getting your excerpt in there, and thank you for sharing your work and putting it out there for us all to learn from.
My first thought upon reading it was: Wow – talk about starting with action! I really like the effect you create with this opening: you place us in a huge action scene right off the bat, then jerk us out of it when the MC awakes and we see that it was only a dream. It's a literary and cinematic device that not everyone uses, and some people like it and some dislike it. I like it, and I think you did it well.
There are two moments in your excerpt – the very beginning with "The wolf circled…its skull." and later with "The animal paused. Its body on point. Its black hackles ruffled." – that didn't flow well for me when I read than. I felt that the use of periods slowed down the pace more than felt comfortable for me as a reader, and it might be useful to experiment with semicolons and commas in those sections.
I thought the lines "It snarled, baring teeth so white the flames reflected off them" and "Engaged in our silent dance amidst the chaos" were really well-done; they both showed us small details that lent to a larger mental image of what was going on.
I also appreciated the way you described the forest fire – again, the details you chose to show us and the way you described them worked for me. However, when you described the howls slicing through the inferno's roar, I wondered: why aren't the narrator and the wolf he/she is fighting getting burned up, too? Are they in a clearing? Are they just lucky? Why aren't they choking on smoke? It also bothers me that I still don't know the gender of the narrator – I'm female, so when reading work written in the first person I tend to think of the MC as being female until I see a name (unless there's something really obvious that tells me otherwise, like taking a trip with the Boy Scouts). So perhaps think of how you can work some of that information in a little earlier.
In the line, "I chased after the beast, but it taunted me with its speed and agility" I wonder if "taunted" is really what you want to say here. Speaking only for myself, this brought up images of the wolf turning around and goading the narrator onwards, while I think that what you mean is that the narrator is frustrated by the fact that he/she can't keep up but desperately wants to. Of course, as with everything I say here, that could just be me.
I think that the line "I couldn't look" is redundant, and tells rather than shows. The sentence before it, "I burst forward, averting my eyes from the smoldering heaps littering the ground," shows us so well what is going on and how the narrator feels about it that you don't need the "I couldn't look" part.
"I had but one goal – to find her. Somehow I knew the wolf shared that goal" – great! Now, in two short sentences, we have both objective and conflict. Nicely done.
Then we learn the MC's name – Iven – and I think it's a guy, but I'm honestly not 100% positive. This is the trouble with interesting first names. I'm assuming it will become really obvious later on, but I would think twice about letting your reader go beyond the first page before giving them a really good sense of who the narrator is.
I liked the way the images fluttered through Iven's mind, but I expected them to relate to the dream, so I was confused by "Salt Lake City" and "airport". The mention of Olivia brought me back to the dream, and I assume that she is the girl the wolf was chasing. So that section could be cleaned up, or clarified with more details.
Ishta Mercurio says
And here's Part Two! (Sheesh; who knew Google could be so picky!)
Also: I have no idea of who Olivia is, and what her relationship is to the narrator, other than that the narrator worries for her safety. Is she a sister, cousin, mother, girlfriend, best friend? I understand that this is just the first page, so if you get to this information soon, that's fine. If not, then maybe try to work in the information sooner.
Overall, I thought this was a great first page. You have a very distinctive style which is clear and consistent throughout the excerpt, and that is something that I personally find very challenging, so well done for that! And your descriptive prose is wonderful. Just be careful of leaving us hanging for too long on details like the identity of the main character. I was a little confused by the ending, wondering if there were really going to be man-eating wolves in this book or if they would remain the stuff of nightmares, but I would most definitely read on to find out. Well done on this excerpt, and on putting yourself out there.
I hope that you found some of my comments helpful, and as always, one person's critique is only one opinion. Take what works for you, try different things, and leave the rest. Good luck!
D. G. Hudson says
Congrats, Heidi, on your speed, and being selected for page critique. I have this picture in my head of all the entrants at their computers with their finger poised over the 'submit' button. What a tense moment.
I look forward to reading Nathan's redline comments, and the comments of the others. Sorry, but your story lost me because of the subject matter (wolves)and the dream sequence at the very beginning. I agree it would have been better used after we had met the character having the dream.
Mary McDonald says
At first, I was reminded of opening of The Call of the Wild, not a bad thing, as it's one of my favorite books but then it was all a dream. Hmmm…not sure I like that. I suppose later in the story the dream might be important.
MJR says
I liked this opening. I agree with the others that you should stick with details that bring the reader right into the forest with the wolf and to avoid any abstract fancy phrases that distance the reader from the scene, ie "death's fiery grip." The words "its" is repeated a lot–a minor quibble. I'd like to know a bit more about where she is–sitting in a vinyl chair doesn't place her in any setting–is she in an airport waiting room?
Amethyst says
Congrats Heidi! And thanks for sharing your piece.
I enjoyed the fact that the action started right away. This is a great way to attract the attention of the reader. But I agree with Josin about the dream sequence. For me personally, the fact that it is a dream sequence cancels out the action you describe from the beginning, because in technicality, the action isn't real.
If the 'dream' factor was removed, I would definitely want to know what happens next and what happened before (the background of the story), leading up to this point. The tension and anticipation of the action is there, and I really enjoyed it.
The dream sequence is a stylistic choice of an author to foreshadow what is or may come and, IMO, gives too much away too soon. It leaves me with the feeling of "WHEN is it going to happen" rather than being left in suspense of "WHAT is going to happen."
As a reader, I enjoy the latter question more so than the first.
Ermo says
Hey Heidi –
Congrats! I WILL be the fastest refresher one of these weeks.
Loved, loved, loved this: "so white the flames reflected off them."
The whole wolf dance thing was really well written and I was hooked.
Then you went all "this is just a dream – haha" on me and I was sad. I'm just not a big fan of that kind of hook.
Also, I think maybe you should have an exclamation point after "Olivia."
I think you are great at pacing and description and I bet you tell a heck of a story. Good luck!
J. T. Shea says
When is NRSIBTOIWAKOGO Critique Monday? I can't wait! And should the word 'drawrings' be said in a drawrl?
All the entries are interesting. Bravo to winner Heidi J. Johns for ignoring the supposed 'rule' against beginning with a dream! Justin and Melinda include the weather. Eric puts his werewolf in a Barcalounger. Although there is no rule against Barcalounging werewolves. Yet.
Regarding PEARL EDDA, 'Dances With Wolves' indeed, but a dance of death rather than the 'getting to know you' dance in Mr. Costner's movie. I take it 'on point' is meant in the ballet rather than military sense.
I guessed from the start it was a flashback, flash forward, or dream fragment. I like dream beginnings because of the double awakening, first from the dream that is everyday 'reality' and then from the novel's dream into its internal reality. This seems doubly appropriate for fantasy, though reading even the most 'realistic' novel has a dreamlike quality.
I commented last week about the limitations of this critique exercise. Nobody who reads all or part of PEARL EDDA again will know less about it than we do. I do know it is about an intrusion by Norse gods and monsters into our present day reality, so the dream opening is not the setup for disappointment feared by some commenters.
Anonymous says
Oh Nathan, I heart you for using the trust fall analogy.
Mesmerix says
Nathan – I just want to say how extremely helpful these critique segments are. It's one thing to say "do this" and another to show us exactly what you mean. Please keep them up!
Anonymous says
I enjoyed it until he woke up. I really wanted to know what was going to happen next. I hope that this scene is somewhere in your novel where it is not a dream because it was exciting.
One the dream ended, I was disappointed because you pulled me out of a moment I was so engrossed in, but you have intrigued me enough to read on.
Mayowa says
Great 250 and great critique.
Only place i disagree is that I actually quite liked this line "concealed embers awaited their turn to wreak havoc."
Isn't that what personification is for?
Andrea says
I don't want to rehash what's already been said. I just wanted to thank you for sharing. I really enjoy reading these critique exercises.