If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in our discussion forums:
Also: I’M LOW ON QUERIES TO EDIT. If you post your query in the query critique forum, there’s a good chance I’ll edit it in the coming weeks.
If you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to S Chan, whose page is below:
Title: Solomon Lin and the Sorcerer’s Kingdom
Genre: Middle Grade FantasyPeople always asked Solomon how his parents chose his name, but it was Nai Nai who’d decided on the name Solomon.
Mum and Dad thought it was a terrible name, but they’d nodded and smiled at Nai Nai because they’d thought they were going to have a girl, and because Nai Nai was “as stubborn as a mule,” according to Mum. So when a boy came out instead, they hadn’t any choice. Down in the birth registry it went. Solomon Lin.
This saddled Solomon with unwanted expectations. Every year when they drove up hilly, winding roads lined with two-storey houses to visit Nai Nai, Solomon was told the same thing.
“You’ll grow up wise,” Nai Nai would declare, sitting on flat faded cushions in her favourite bamboo armchair and gripping Solomon’s chin between her bony fingers. “You’ll grow up wise and good, just like King Solomon.”
Behind the chair Mum would roll her eyes and mouth the words along with her, and Dad would give Mum a reproving look.
Solomon didn’t feel very wise, though he didn’t say so. But then Solomon never said much of anything. “Very quiet,” was how his teachers described him in end of year reports, along with “mature for his age”, under a low mark for class participation. His art teacher always wrote the same thing, in her forceful capital letters and purple pen:
NEEDS TO EXPRESS HIMSELF MORE. SOMETIMES I FORGET WHAT HIS VOICE SOUNDS LIKE!
The letters got a little larger each year.
This is a strongly written page and I’d be excited to see where this novel goes. I was able to get into a flow and lose myself in this world. And on the whole I think it works. It’s smoothly written and I have very few line edits.
My niggling concern is that this page is so much about the adults. Coming and going, we’re seeing what the adults are doing, including their reactions to Nai Nai. It’s pretty important to avoid the sense that adults are running away with a novel intended for children.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say that this page firmly falls into that danger zone. The author makes it work by using subtle cues that show us that this perspective is still Solomon’s, such as tacking on “according to Mum” when describing Nai Nai. It feels like a middle grade voice, and it’s fine to give a sense of the “what is” with a young protagonist’s family life in order to establish a baseline prior to the inciting incident.
But if there’s room for improvement, I’d encourage the author to gut check whether there can be just a little more Solomon in this opening, particularly a glimpse of him trying to influence or shape his destiny, rather than letting the adults dominate quite so much. It’s fine for him to be shy, but I wonder if we can still leave the opening with a sense of his desires and agency.
That’s just a quibble.
Here’s my (very light) redline (also, here’s my edit for the query for this novel):
Title: Solomon Lin and the Sorcerer’s Kingdom
Genre: Middle Grade FantasyPeople always asked Solomon how his parents chose his name, but it was Nai Nai who’d decided
on the name Solomon.Mum and Dad thought it was a terrible name, but they’d nodded and smiled at Nai Nai because they’d thought they were going to have a girl, and because Nai Nai was “as stubborn as a mule,” according to Mum. So when a boy came out instead, they hadn’t any choice. Down in the birth registry it went. Solomon Lin.
This saddled Solomon with unwanted expectations. Every year when they drove up hilly, winding roads lined with two-storey houses to visit Nai Nai, Solomon was told the same thing.
“You’ll grow up wise,” Nai Nai would declare, sitting on flat faded cushions in her favourite bamboo armchair and gripping Solomon’s chin between her bony fingers. “You’ll grow up wise and good, just like King Solomon.”
Behind the chair Mum would roll her eyes and mouth the words along with her, and Dad would give Mum a reproving look.
Solomon didn’t feel very wise, though he didn’t say so. But then Solomon never said much of anything. “Very quiet,” was how his teachers described him in end of year reports, along with “mature for his age”, under a low mark for class participation. His art teacher always wrote the same thing, in
herforceful purple capital lettersand purple pen:NEEDS TO EXPRESS HIMSELF MORE. SOMETIMES I FORGET WHAT HIS VOICE SOUNDS LIKE!
The letters got a little larger each year.
Thanks again to S Chan!
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Art: Busch Residences, Sunken Gardens, Pasadena, Calif. by Detroit Publishing Company
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