If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to S Chan, whose query is below.
Dear [Agent],
According to your agency’s website you’re actively seeking middle-grade fantasy and diverse voices, so I’m hoping you will consider my 72,000-word novel, SOLOMON LIN AND THE SORCERER’S KINGDOM, for representation.
When solemn twelve-year-old Solomon Lin sees other students waiting at the bus stop for his new school, he hides in a nearby park, telling himself he’ll catch the late bus. Instead he stumbles through a red door into a kingdom without a sky, where phantoms laugh in lantern-lit stairways and no one ever grows older. The kingdom is ruled by a mysterious Sorcerer, and when Solomon mistakenly trespasses in his enchanted castle, the Sorcerer strips Solomon of his shadow and casts him into the street – with no way of getting home.
Afraid and desperate, Solomon joins a den of child thieves and strikes a deal with their mischievous leader, Pax: Solomon will go undercover for her as assistant to the Grimket Keeper, the cold-hearted undertaker of the kingdom’s ensorcelled mausoleum, and in exchange, Pax will take Solomon to see the kingdom’s Witch about his lost shadow. But to Solomon’s dismay, the Witch tells him he must recover his shadow himself. Worse still, she tasks him with finding the sky, hidden long ago by the Sorcerer to keep the kingdom under his cursed reign.
Solomon must contend with the Grimket Keeper’s watchful eye; the resentment of the other thieves, who threaten to kick him out of the den; and the impossible task of uncovering the Sorcerer’s deepest secrets. He is helped by his new friendship with Pax – until they find a way into the Sorcerer’s castle, and the revelations within cause them to begin keeping secrets from each other. In a world where nothing is as it seems, Solomon must learn to trust himself and his friends, or be trapped in the kingdom forever.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Sincerely,
S Chan
This query reads very smoothly and it is full of some really nice physical details that evoke this world and help us picture the surroundings. In particular, I liked “phantoms laugh in lantern-lit stairways,” which is such an evocative line. It sounds like a richly imagined world and I like that Solomon has to accomplish a specific task in order to escape.
While I think the query is largely in place, I think it would be even stronger if we had just a bit more of a sense of Solomon’s personality beyond “solemn” and if the stakes were clearer.
For instance, I wasn’t sure why Solomon felt like he needed to hide from the students when, if he took the late bus, he was going to see them anyway. I know, I know, we can guess that he has momentary nerves, but I still think it’s helpful to be more precise than that and for his recalcitrance to be in his voice so we can see his personality in a sharper relief so we can see very specifically what he’s fearing. I’m not sure his voice is coming through in this version.
Also: “Afraid and desperate, Solomon joins…” — desperate to do what? Try to be precise. Wanting to get home is amorphous and depersonalized, is there something specific on his mind about what he wants to get back to that’s a bit more palpable? His parents? His comic book collection?
When you’re precise about the motivations we learn so much more about a character.
I also struggled to wrap my head around some of the plot and what’s at stake. In a world without a sky, does it really matter if you don’t have a shadow? What are the actual consequence there? How does not having a sky keep people in line? What are the specific risks to Solomon beyond being trapped in this world?
Lastly, as with so many queries, the end of the plot description descends into generalities that can mean anything rather than continuing to be specific about what’s happening. (“the revelations within cause them to begin keeping secrets from each other”). Don’t worry about spoilers, tell us the story!
Still, I think this is a solid stab and I’d be curious to read more.
Here’s my redline.
Dear [Agent],
According to your agency’s website you’re actively seeking middle-grade fantasy and diverse voices [This is fine, but if possible I would try to be a bit more personalized than just what’s on the submission procedures page], so I’m hoping you will consider my 72,000-word novel, SOLOMON LIN AND THE SORCERER’S KINGDOM
, for representation.When solemn twelve-year-old Solomon Lin sees other students waiting at the bus stop for his new school, he hides in a nearby park, telling himself he’ll catch the late bus [Why? Open up his personality a bit more by showing what he’s fearing precisely]. Instead he stumbles through a red door into a kingdom without a sky, where phantoms laugh in lantern-lit stairways and no one ever grows older. The kingdom is ruled by a mysterious Sorcerer, and when Solomon mistakenly trespasses in his enchanted castle, the Sorcerer strips Solomon of his shadow [Which does what? Why is this a problem?] and casts him into the street
–with no wayof gettingto get home.Afraid and desperate [Desperate for what? Be precise], Solomon joins a den of child thieves and strikes a deal with their mischievous leader, Pax
:. Solomon will go undercover for her as assistant to the Grimket Keeper [Go undercover to do what?], the cold-hearted undertaker of the kingdom’s ensorcelled mausoleum, and in exchange, Pax will take Solomon to see the kingdom’s Witch about his lost shadow. But to Solomon’s dismay, the Witch tells him he must recover his shadow himself [Why is recovering his shadow necessary?]. Worse still, shetasks him with findingforces him to try to find the sky, hidden long ago by the Sorcerer to keep the kingdom under his cursed reign [I’m not quite wrapping my head around how hiding the sky would keep the kingdom under his reign].Solomon must contend with the Grimket Keeper’s watchful eye [be more specific about what’s happening here. What does “contend with” literally mean? What’s he doing? This sentence in general is awkward with the semicolons and I would be clearer in each clause]
;,the resentment ofthe other resentful thieves, whothreaten to kick him out of the den;and he faces the impossible task [Be more specific about why it’s so hard so we understand what he is up against] of uncovering the Sorcerer’s deepest secrets. He is helped by his new friendship with Pax [Rephrase to make this more active] – until they find a way [Be more specific. Scale the walls? Sneak in?] into the Sorcerer’s castle, and the revelations within cause them to begin keeping secrets from each other [Too vague. This could mean anything. Tell us the story, don’t worry about spoilers].In a world where nothing is as it seems[Cliche], Solomon must learn to trust himself and his friends [Trust himself and his friends to do what? I would reformulate as “Solomon and friends must do X, Y, Z,” I would think the trust would be implied?],or be trapped in the kingdom forever.[Brief author bio]
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Sincerely,
S Chan
Thanks again to S Chan!
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Art: Fanciful Landscape by Thomas Doughty
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