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Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to pabrown, whose page is below.
Title: Gabriel’s Fire
M/M Romantic suspenseSome people just deserve to die. Gabe found that out early in life that god made mistakes.
His mother lit into him before he even finished his late breakfast.Gabriel Rios refused to look up from his cold cereal, when she curtly told him, “You’ll get a real breakfast when you get out of bed before noon.”
Never mind he’d been studying until two for an exam on Monday. Instead, he kept his gaze down on the pages of his current textbook, Quantum Field Theory.
“I like Cheerios,” he muttered. “Though sometimes it would be nice to have Captain Crunch.”
“Sometimes I don’t think you want to be part of this family anymore.” Relentlessly stirring the pot of champurrado simmering on the stove top, she frowned at him. The cloying smell of cinnamon and chocolate filled the kitchen. “It’s Thanksgiving. I’d think you’d want to spend today at home with your family instead of out cavorting with your friends. What would your father say?”
“They’re not friends,” he finally said. “They’re classmates and we’re studying for Fischer’s exam.” He wanted to say the guy was a ball breaker, but that would get him grounded for the next decade, even though he was twenty. Instead, he muttered, “And father would say he wanted me to go to college and have a better life than he had.”
“There is nothing wrong with the life we gave you!”
“Don’t you dare talk about my papa that way!” Maggie, his bratty fourteen-year-old sister had to chime in.
This page isn’t in terrible shape, but it gets off to a disjointed start and then relies far too much on dialogue in order to provide the context that might have helped us understand the scene from the start.
The opening paragraph doesn’t really give us very much before we launch into the dialogue. There’s some idle pontificating that we have insufficient context to understand, followed by a preview of what his mother is about to say. Don’t pre-summarize! It’s a form of stepping on your surprises. Just let the scene unfold in order.
From there, I liked some of the details, such as the champurrado, which gives a bit of a sense of place, but what is actually on Gabe’s mind in this scene? What’s at stake in this class, what does he need to do on this particular day?
Instead of engaging a bit more with his thought processes and desires, we instead launch into a fight that both smushes in exposition and feels like it goes straight to 10 without a clear enough trigger.
Set the scene with more specificity, help us understand what the protagonist wants to do on this day and what’s at stake, and be patient as you let things build.
Here’s my redline:
Title: Gabriel’s Fire
M/M Romantic suspenseSome people just deserve to die. Gabe found
thatout early in life that god made mistakes.His mother lit into him before he even finished his late breakfast.[Disjointed and abrupt opening. Don’t pre-summarize what’s about to happen, and give the reader enough information that they can understand what this is referring to. Otherwise it just feels like idle pontificating]Gabriel Rios refused to look up from his cold cereal
, when she curtly told him,. [Help the reader visualize the surroundings]“You’ll get a real breakfast when you get out of bed before noon
.,” his mother said.Never mind that he’d been studying until two for an exam on Monday. [What’s at stake in this?]
Instead, hHe kept his gazedownonthe pages ofhis current textbook, Quantum Field Theory.“I like Cheerios,” he muttered. “Though sometimes it would be nice to have Captain Crunch.”
“Sometimes I don’t think you want to be part of this family anymore.” His mother
Rrelentlesslystirringstirred the pot of champurrado simmering on the stovetop, she frowned at him. [Convoluted writing. Read the original version out loud.] The cloying smell of cinnamon and chocolate filled the kitchen. “It’s Thanksgiving. [She needs to tell him it’s Thanksgiving? This feels like exposition smushed into dialogue?] I’d think you’d want to spend today at home with your family instead of out cavorting with your friends. What would your father say?”“They’re not friends,” he
finallysaid. “They’re classmates and we’re studying for Fischer’s exam.”He wanted to say the guy [What guy? Fischer or his dad?] was a ball breaker, but that would get him grounded for the next decade, even though he was twenty.
Instead, he muttered,“And father would say he wanted me to go to college and have a better life than he had.”“There is nothing wrong with the life we gave you!”
“Don’t you dare talk about my papa that way!” Maggie, his bratty fourteen-year-old sister had to chime in. [Confusing for her to only now pop into the scene. Where did she come from?]
Thanks again to pabrown!
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J R Tomlin says
Your edits look good, although the ‘cloying smell of cinnamon and chocolate’ comment caused a disconnect for me. 1. Those are normally considered pleasant smells, and 2. it sounds as though he is critical of his mother for cooking for the family. It comes across rather badly to me. Having odors is good, but that is the wrong emotional reaction to nice smells IMO. Maybe he wishes he did have some time to spend enjoying his mother’s cooking. I am iffy on whether he should give the reader a hint of what champurrado is. I often use words that most people are unfamiliar with, but I wonder if it works well in this scene.
Nathan Bransford says
I actually liked this line because there isn’t a universal reaction to sweet smells (for instance: I don’t like sweets), and maybe this particular character has a complicated relationship with his family that’s infused into his relationship with the smell.
J R Tomlin says
I can see that, but I think to work it shouldn’t come out of the blue. To me it seemed rather mean to his mother (from someone who had a terrible relationship with her mother, but I wouldn’t expect sympathy for putting her down without laying a foundation). Maybe she uses food as a form of control or punishment. I think you need to establish that first, though.