Agents assume you’ve researched your novel (query critique)

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Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Marlo, whose query is below.

Fishbelly White, my mystery (with a romance) complete at 90,000 words, would sit on the bookshelf with Hallie Ephron, and Charlaine Harris’ Aurora Teagarden series. It is Jessica Fletcher meets The Turner Diaries.

Claudia Perry, 50ish, myopic, asthmatic, zaftig, stubborn and full of gumption is a successful freelance travel writer. Recently widowed, she longs to be a part of a family, though thoroughly dislikes the one she has. It is summer 1995 when she returns to her hometown of Coeur d’Alene, Idaho to reconcile her relationship with Betti, her size 4 widowed mother, and her sycophant younger brother, Artie. She feels guilt at the stirrings of new emotions as she renews her friendship with her old high school crush, now sheriff, Frank Adams. When he arrests Artie on charges of murder and counterfeiting for white supremacists, she, too, is convinced of her brother’s guilt. Betti pleads with her to prove him innocent. Claudia dives into his world of the evangelical alt-right, taking with her, Phyllis Corlett, her best friend from childhood. When she confides their discoveries to her late father’s law partner, “Uncle” George Kapell and to the sheriff, she learns one of them is a member of the white supremacist, “Sovereign Nations.”

I have been given access to materials taken from the former Aryan Nations headquarters gathered by undercover Kootenai County (Idaho) sheriff’s deputies. Fishbelly was inspired by true events involving counterfeit operations in North Idaho and the Western states that white supremacists used to finance their activities.

A native of Coeur d’Alene, my weekly by-lined column ran in the San Mateo Times for thirteen years and I continue to freelance with travel writing. A former faculty member of the Santa Barbara Writers Conference, I am a member of Sisters in Crime, Mystery Writers of America, the Historical Novel Society of North America and Willamette Writers.

This book is a stand-alone with series potential. I have pasted the first ten pages below.

I look forward to hearing from you.

While I’m intrigued by the premise of a big personality travel writer getting sucked into investigating white supremacists, my feedback on the query is going to sound familiar to regular readers of these critiques: there’s some lack of specificity with some of the key details (don’t worry about spoilers!), and I’m struggling to wrap my head around the final plot summary. What does Claudia actually have to do with the white supremacists?

One piece of feedback from my redline below that I wanted to expand on a bit is that it’s rarely necessary to describe the activities you did to research or otherwise shape the novel.

At the end of the day, agents just want to know if a novel is good and if they can sell it. And they assume that if you wrote a good mystery that you have researched everything you needed to research in order to make it good. So it doesn’t really need to be separately mentioned, even if you went to the ends of the earth.

This goes for how you had your work edited too: they assume you had it edited, if it’s any good. They don’t need to know how.

Here’s a redline:

[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]

My mystery novel Fishbelly White [Capitalize or italicize book titles], my mystery (with a romance) [awkward phrasing – also, unless you’re specifically writing romantic suspense, having a romance in a mystery isn’t necessarily worth mentioning in the outset] is complete at 90,000 words, and would sit on the bookshelf with Hallie Ephron, and Charlaine Harris’ Aurora Teagarden series. It is Jessica Fletcher meets The Turner Diaries.

Claudia Perry, 50ish, myopic, asthmatic, zaftig, stubborn and full of gumption [I think “full of gumption” encompasses stubborn?], is a successful freelance travel writer [“Successful freelance travel writer” is okay, but it’s a missed opportunity to show more voice]. Recently widowed, she longs to be a part of a family [Be more specific – what is she imagining here? Otherwise, can this just remain implied with her attempts to reconcile with her family?], though she thoroughly dislikes the one she has. It is In the summer 1995 when she returns to her hometown of Coeur d’Alene, Idaho to reconcile her relationship with Betti, her size–4 widowed mother, and her sycophantic younger brother, Artie. [I find this a little confusing, sycophantic to whom?]

¶She Claudia feels guilt at guilty about the stirrings of new emotions [Be more specific] as she renews her friendship with her old high school crush, now sheriff, Frank Adams, now sheriff. When he Frank arrests Artie on charges of for murder and counterfeiting for white supremacists, she, too, Claudia is convinced of her brother’s guilt., but Betti pleads with her to prove him innocent. Claudia dives into his world of the Artie’s evangelical alt-right world [Be more specific. How does she “dive in?” What does she actually do?], taking with her, with Phyllis Corlett, her best friend from childhood. When she Claudia confides their discoveries [Which are what? Be more specific] to her late father’s law partner, “Uncle” George Kapell and to Frank the sheriff, she learns one of them [Which one? Don’t worry about spoilers] is a member of the white supremacist, “Sovereign Nations.” [Wrap up the plot. What does Claudia have to do? What’s the “spine” of the plot? e.g. Claudia must X, Y, and Z, in order to ACCOMPLISH GOAL]

I have been given access to materials taken from the former Aryan Nations headquarters gathered by undercover Kootenai County (Idaho) sheriff’s deputies. [Agents assume that authors have researched their novels well, I don’t know that this belongs in the query] Fishbelly was inspired by true events involving counterfeit operations in North Idaho and the Western states that white supremacists used to finance their activities.

I’m Aa native of Coeur d’Alene. My weekly by-lined column ran in the San Mateo Times for thirteen years, and I continue to freelance with travel writing I’m currently a freelance travel writer. A former faculty member of the Santa Barbara Writers Conference, I am a member of Sisters in Crime, Mystery Writers of America, the Historical Novel Society of North America and Willamette Writers. [Not sure these memberships rise to the level of what I’d include in a query letter] Fishbelly was inspired by true events involving counterfeit operations in North Idaho and the Western states that white supremacists used to finance their activities.

This book is a stand-alone with series potential. I have pasted the first ten pages below.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks again to Marlo!

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Art: Coeur d’Alene Mission on the Ignatus River as it appeared in 1853 by Anonymous