
If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Kristy, whose query is below.
Dear (Agent’s name)
Counting the Stars, a YA contemporary novel with speculative elements, is complete at 83,904 words.
16-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s different. No one else fears the color red, secretly draws in bathroom stalls, or blames themselves for the world’s problems. Fortunately the people who mean the most to Lucy accept her, quirkiness and all. But then her best friend Janice commits suicide and her father is in a car accident that leaves him in a coma.
Lucy is left with Janice’s parents who notice her odd behaviors, worry that she’ll hurt herself, and have her committed to a mental hospital. In the hospital, Lucy is given a drug which “cures” her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but destroys her creativity. She realizes she’d rather be so-called crazy than unimaginative.
Along with the help of her new artist friends, Lucy must destroy the drug before it is mass produced and prescribed to teens everywhere.
Thank you so much for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Kristy
When I’m editing query letters I see quite a few like this one, where the author has a great setup only to lose me with the last line of the plot summary, which articulates the “quest” or the “spine” of the plot.
There’s a lot to like about this query letter! There are strong details, it reads smoothly, and the structure is strong.
But I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around what Lucy has to actually do to “destroy the drug before it is mass produced.” What does that mean exactly? How does one “destroy a drug?” Is she going to blow up a factory? Lead an advocacy campaign? Write letters to the FDA?
In other words, I’m struggling to wrap my head around a key quest that will likely comprise crucial stretches of the novel. Where does Lucy have to go? What does she have to do?
The last line of the plot summary is often where writers descend into vagueness and generalities because they don’t quite know how to sum up the bulk of the story. It’s where people start leaning on cliches like “before it’s too late” or “before X falls into the wrong hands.”
In this case there’s just not quite enough detail to help me wrap my head around the challenge Lucy faces. And there’s a whole lot more room to do that! This query is only 174 words, well below the 250-350 words I recommend.
Here’s my redline:
Dear (Agent’s name)
[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]
Counting the Stars, a YA contemporary novel with speculative elements, is complete at 83,904 words.[Opinions vary but I tend to prefer this summary at the end]16-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s different. No one else fears the color red, secretly draws in bathroom stalls, or blames themselves for the world’s problems. Fortunately, the people who mean the most to Lucy accept her, quirkiness and all. But then her best friend Janice commits suicide and a car accident leaves her father
is in a car accident that leaves himin a coma.Lucy
is leftstays [Trying to avoid repetition with “leaves/left” in consecutive sentences] with Janice’s parents, who notice her odd behaviors,and worry that she’ll hurt herself,.andTheyhave her committedcommit her to a mental hospital. In the hospital, where Lucy is given a drugwhichthat “cures” her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but destroys her creativity. She realizes she’d rather be so-called “crazy“ than unimaginative.
AlongWith the help of her new artist friends, Lucy must do X and Y to destroy the drug before it is mass produced and prescribed to teens everywhere.Counting the Stars, a YA contemporary novel with speculative elements, is complete at 83,904 words. [Insert Brief author bio].
Thank you so much for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Kristy
Thanks again to Kristy!
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Art: Michael Faraday in his lab by Harriet Moore
Interesting. And familiar. You critiqued this query on June 11th 2017.
Thanks to Kristy/Feltenk and Nathan!
Haha whoops!! Good catch. When you’ve critiqued a few too many queries…
I can’t really offer critique on the query itself because there are too many things in it that are just downright problematic with the mental illness side that makes me question what, if any, research the author has done on this topic vs just going by what is far too frequently gotten wrong in fiction.
One: Janice dies by suicide (using commit is outdated and considered a loaded, judgemental term that has fallen out of favor). This should be well known to anyone writing in the areas of mental illness.
Two: Janice’s parents are, presumably not Lucy’s legal guardians. But either way, you can’t just walk up to a mental institute and have someone committed, despite what the movies show, so the first question would be if they even have the legal grounds to try. Further, worries about Lucy’s “quirky” behavior are not even remotely viable grounds for doing so. Even for a teenager, it requires the teenager to actually be a danger to themselves, i.e. a suicide attempt or psychotic break, a danger to others via a demonstrable intent to carry out harm to specific others, or gravely disabled.
Her OCD behaviors would not even phase a doctor, who would be the determiner of whether she should be put on a 72 hour old, not a pair of grief-stricken parents who probably shouldn’t be trying to take care of the best friend of their recently deceased daughter in the first place. (does Lucy not have another single living family member left, who would be the first viable caretakers unless there were specific legal items in place that caused this arrangement).
During that hold, the teenager would be evaluated by professionals to determine a treatment plan and any medication would have to be done at the consent of the parent or legal guardian unless one is not available. For a longer-term hold, the psychiatrist treating the child/teen would have to take it to a review hearing to have a judicial officer approve them being held another 14 or 30 days, which then has to be re-upped every time.
Three: and the worst of the lot is promoting the hideously damaging idea that treating mental illness with medication will “kill creativity”. While I presume this is where part of the “speculative” part comes in, promoting such an idea is why SOOO many people still do not get treated for their mental illnesses and why there is such a stigma about having one or more mental illnesses.
I vaguely get the idea that it’s likely intended to be some sort of new, fictional, evil medication that is designed to tame kids, but I would strongly implore the author to find another plot twist as no matter how it’s written, it will further the idea that medication for mental illnesses is bad and destroys who you are.
Would also really encourage having this book read by multiple sensitivity readers who have mental illnesses, though if it were picked up by a publisher, they likely would require it anyway.
Couldn’t agree more! Especially because individual reactions to drugs can be widely varied. What doesn’t work at all for Lucy could be perfect for many other people. While it’s possible, I suppose, that the author is trying to talk about the abuses that sometimes occur when treating mental illness, it doesn’t come across that way at all in the query letter.
On a somewhat different note, I’m not sure fearing red, drawing in bathroom stalls, or blaming yourself for big problems are symptoms of OCD (and lots of people do the last two regardless of any mental health issues they may have). Saying so is a weak and somewhat misleading opening.
While the drug in this query is imaginary, real psychiatric drugs can kill more than just creativity. Many people find them beneficial but by no means all. I thoroughly recommend the books of Dr. Peter Breggin, among others, to anyone interested in psychiatric drugs and other treatments.
I am a writer as well, I think you are beyond your years. However, I feel that you over express and go to extreme with the details so much that your losing sight. Remember your trying to escape, but yet you have time to notice the leaves and go into detail about them.