Every detail matters in an opening (page critique)

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• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
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If you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Leslieannhoward, whose page is below:

Title: Crossing the Lines
YA Magical Realism

This is not how things were supposed to go down.

Linda breathes heavily in my ear as we crouch in the shadows behind the bakery. I can feel her trembling, but in spite of the frigid air, sweat pours down my forehead and back. There is still occasional gunfire in the distance, but for now, we are safe. Something, I don’t know what, told me to grab her hand and just start running. I am grateful for the darkness. Earlier this morning, we took out the street lights, just in case. I thought it was a little over the top to think that we would need a place to hide or regroup after dark, but I went along with it. Now, I am glad I did. Stuart, our leader, is dead. Others have been killed as well; eliminated they call it. And some were taken into custody. I have no idea what will happen to them, all I know for sure is that there is no way in hell that I am giving up without a fight.

From out of the shadows steps a hooded figure. Some raise their weapons, but it is useless. We have used up our ammunition, and he knows it.

“I come in peace.” he says, raising his hands. The man’s face is hidden from view, but his voice is vaguely familiar.

“Your only chance of survival at this point is to enter the forest and stay there. ….

This opening gets off to an engaging start. We’re situated in a space, the voice is lively, and there’s something interesting happening.

Still, I see quite a few missed opportunities to draw us into the story because the details are too fuzzy. We’re in a bakery… where? The narrator started running from… where? Stuart, our leader of…. what? “Some” were taken into custody… by whom? The narrator fears…. something.

And, right off the bat, this is not how “things” were supposed to go down, which is an extremely vague word choice that doesn’t frame what’s happening in a clear way.

It’s all very vague and non-specific, and even though I can tell there’s something exciting happening, I’m still kind of waiting to understand what’s happening. Rather than feeling anticipation for what this hooded person might say, I’m spending most of my energy trying to figure out what’s going on entirely.

I definitely empathize that it’s tricky to choose how much to divulge at the start of a novel, particularly when you want to convey some action. You don’t things to get bogged down in a mountain of detail. But that’s why precise details matter so much.

We don’t necessarily need to know every single thing I’m suggesting in my redline, but when the little vague moments pile up, it can feel a bit like the story’s just a bit out of our grasp, which makes it difficult to engage.

Err on the side of helping the reader understand what’s happening and build your mysteries judiciously. Let the reader feel anticipation because they’re primed around what’s going on and why it’s important.

Here’s my redline:

Title: Crossing the Lines
YA Magical Realism

This is not how things [“things” a vague word choice] were supposed to go down.

Linda breathes heavily in my ear as w We crouch in the shadows behind the bakery [Where are we entirely beyond a bakery?]. I can feel her She’s trembling, but and in spite of the frigid air, sweat pours down my forehead and back [Pick one]. There is still occasional gunfire in the distance [“The distance” – missed opportunity to be more specific], but for now, we are safe [From what?].

¶Something, I don’t know what, told me to grab her hand and just start running [From where?]. I am grateful for the darkness. Earlier this morning, we took out the street lights and planned a place to regroup after dark, just in case [Just in case of what?]. I thought it was a little over the top to think that we would need a place to hide or regroup after dark, but I am glad I went along with it. Now, I am glad I did.

¶Stuart, our leader [Our leader of what?], is dead. Others [Way too vague. Other what?] have been killed as well; eliminated they [Way too vague. Who is “they?”] call it. And some [Still don’t know who or what “some” is referring to] were taken into custody [By whom?]. I have no idea what will happen to them, a All I know for sure is that there is no way in hell that I am giving up without a fight. [Giving up what? What does the narrator think is happening and what they need to do about it?]

From out of the shadows [What shadows?] steps a hooded figure [Imprecise physical description]. Some [Some what?] raise their weapons, but it is useless. We have used up our ammunition, and he knows it.

“I come in peace.” he says, raising his hands. The man’s face is hidden from view, but his voice is vaguely familiar.

“Your only chance of survival at this point is to enter the forest and stay there. ….

Thanks again to Leslieannhoward!

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Art: Brödbaket by Anders Zorn