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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to CBwriter, whose page is below:
Title: Come As You Are
Genre: Bookclub psychological thriller
(pls note British English!)Marc took the narrow turning for Wigpool passing a warning sign for wild boar. The Forest of Dean was nothing like the well-behaved woodland that bordered his garden in Surrey. A damp, earthy smell invaded the car as he pictured a family of boar, all bristles and tusks, running through the undergrowth, gathering speed and then erupting in front of him to total his new 4×4.
He had wanted to bring his wife to the reunion, but Penny had been adamant: no partners. There was something unsettling about the prospect of spending the weekend with his ex-housemates without the comforting buffer of his spouse. He tried to remember the last time he’d slept alone and couldn’t. Night-time in the forest would bring the kind of blackness you could slice with a knife. No comforting car headlights or friendly glow of lights from neighbouring houses. He would have to keep his bedroom window open because of the heatwave which meant he would be kept awake by foxes, boar, and who knew what else, making noises indistinguishable from a murder in progress. Then a bat would fly in.
Surrey bats wouldn’t do that, but he was certain anything was possible in this borderland between England and Wales.
He glanced at the sat nav. The car was a red arrow on an empty screen, the metalled track he was driving along apparently unknown to modern mapping systems. Hard to believe there was a “pretty cottage” with “an enormous lake” nearby.
I like that this page immediately situates us in a particular place and there’s a strong voice to guide us through the opening. The reference to animals making scary noises in the forest gives a tantalizing taste (presumably) of what’s to come in a psychological thriller. I enjoyed the distinction between Surrey and forest bats, which showed some fun personality.
My concern with this opening is that it feels a bit choppier than it needs to because information and context is dribbled out rather than just situating us cleanly the first time a concept is described. We first have a car, then it’s specified that it’s a “new 4×4.” We hear about “the” reunion, then eventually find out it’s with ex-housemates, then much later on that it’s at a pretty cottage on the border between England and Wales. I’m still not sure who Penny is.
There’s not much to be gained by forcing the reader to piece everything together. Err on the side of being clear the first time around.
Here’s my redline:
Title: Come As You Are
Genre: Bookclub psychological thriller
(pls note British English!)Marc took the narrow turning for Wigpool
passingand passed a warning sign for wild boar. His sat nav showed him driving along a road apparently unknown to modern mapping systems. The Forest of Dean was nothing like the well-behaved woodland that bordered his garden in Surrey. A damp, earthy smellinvadedfilledthe carhis new 4×4 [Lead with the precise details]asand he pictured a family of boar, all bristles and tusks,runninggathering speed through the undergrowth, gathering speedandthenerupting in front of him to total hisnew 4×4car. Hard to believe there was a “pretty cottage” with “an enormous lake” nearby.He had wanted to bring his wife to
thethis reunion [Why no context?] with his ex-housemates in the borderland between England and Wales, but [CONTEXT] Penny [Unclear to me at first whether this is the wife or someone else] had been adamant: no partners. There was something unsettling about the prospect of spending the weekendwith his ex-housemateswithout the comforting buffer of his spouse. Hetried tocouldn’t remember the last time he’d slept aloneand couldn’t. Night-time in the forest would bring the kind of blackness you could slice with a knife.No comforting car headlights or friendly glow of lights from neighbouring houses.[Spelling out what’s apparent from context] He would have to keep his bedroom window open because of the heatwave, which meanthe would be kept awake byfoxes, boar, and who knew what else,making noises indistinguishable fromsounding like a murder in progress. Then a bat would fly in. Surrey bats wouldn’t do that, but he was certain anything was possible herein this borderland between England and Wales.
He glanced at the sat nav. The car was a red arrow on an empty screen, the metalled track he was driving along apparently unknown to modern mapping systems. Hard to believe there was a “pretty cottage” with “an enormous lake” nearby.
Thanks again to CBwriter!
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Art: Schwarzwild im Winterwald by Carl Friedrich Deiker
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