Credentials alone won’t carry the day (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to pbloom, whose query is below.

Beyond the Leash
A Memoir of Service and Science
(Pets/Memoir: approx 94,000 words)
Patricia A. Bloom, Ph.D.
December 24, 2023

Dear [Mr./Ms. Agent’s Name],

A recent listing in Query Tracker noted “pets” among your areas of interest for representation. In this
regard, I thought Beyond the Leash: A Memoir of Service and Science, a 94,000-word chronicle,
which details the story of my first service dog, might appeal to you.

Readers of The Speckled Beauty (Knopf, 2021) will connect with the humor and shared struggles
found in my narrative, although stylistically, Beyond the Leash is most like Merle’s Door: Lessons
from a Freethinking Dog, by Ted Kerasote” (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2008), where stories about
a remarkable dog are interwoven with the author’s own life and current canine research.

This story begins in the mid-1990s when I entered a service dog training program during my tenure
as a faculty member at a medical school. At the time, I wasn’t disabled, and my participation was to
demonstrate the value of service dogs to a skeptical medical community. This endeavor took an
unexpected turn when I was assigned Mattie, the only dog in the program I didn’t want.

Years later, after a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, my connection with Mattie transformed from a
clinical experiment into a profound personal journey. It was this change in circumstance, which I
explore with humor and scientific avidity in Beyond the Leash.

Interwoven throughout this account are stories of other exceptional animals and their human
companions, ranging from quirky encounters to heart-wrenching stories of loss and tragedy. The
narrative also delves into the surprising history of service dogs, including a Soviet study that
revolutionized our understanding of canine evolution.

My non-fiction work has been featured in academic journals and textbook chapters. My first effort
into the commercial arena resulted in the publication of my short story, “The Young Lieutenant’s
Dog,” which appeared in The Bark (250,000 readers) as their feature article in the spring, 2020 issue.

In terms of expertise and a platform for the subject, I was the senior author in the first double-blind
study examining the therapeutic use of service animals in nursing homes, authored the national
hospital guidelines for service dogs, and served as a consultant with the Federal judiciary in
developing the laws for assistance animals. I have also been a keynote speaker at conferences for
those with disabilities, including military veterans, and others who work with these populations,
including veterinarians, teachers and health care workers.

The complete manuscript and a detailed proposal are available for your review. Your time and
consideration of my work are greatly appreciated.

I highly recommend that queries clock in at no more than 350 words, including the personalization and “nuts and bolts.” This can be stretched a bit for nonfiction and genres that require a bit of exposition like fantasy, but this particular query is over 410 words. It’s far too long. It risks a busy agent’s eyes glazing over when they open an email to this wall of text.

And sure enough, the writing here is a bit laborious, with quite a lot of throat clearing, extra verbiage, and quite a bit that feels extraneous for the purposes of a nonfiction query letter.

Even beyond the length, while this author obviously is extremely well-versed in her subject matter and has impressive credentials, as with novels, for memoir it’s absolutely crucial to nail the plot description. Unless you’re an A-list celebrity (and even then it’s not 100%), your credentials are just not going to carry the day. You have to make us want to read the book.

This plot description, unfortunately, is extremely vague and dry. I’m not getting a sense of what make this particular dog/human relationship unique via specific passages that bring Mattie to life, nor am I getting a sense of an unique and engaging voice.

Credentials can be helpful. But for novels and memoirs, the plot description will carry the day.

Here’s my redline:

Beyond the Leash
A Memoir of Service and Science
(Pets/Memoir: approx 94,000 words)
Patricia A. Bloom, Ph.D.
December 24, 2023

[I’m not sure whether this is just something for the forums or whether this intended to be a part of the query, but I wouldn’t lead this way in a query letter. A query isn’t a classic business letter]

Dear [Mr./Ms. Agent’s Name],

A recent listing in Query Tracker noted “pets” among your areas of interest for representation [This might just be a placeholder, but I’d try to be more specific with the personalization]. In this
regard, I thought Beyond the Leash: A Memoir of Service and Science, a 94,000-word chronicle,
which details the story of my first service dog, might appeal to you.

Readers of The Speckled Beauty (Knopf, 2021) will connect with the humor and shared struggles
found in my narrative, although stylistically, Beyond the Leash is most like Merle’s Door: Lessons
from a Freethinking Dog, by Ted Kerasote” (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2008), where stories about
a remarkable dog are interwoven with the author’s own life and current canine research.

This story begins iIn the mid-1990s, when I entered a service dog training program during my tenure
as a faculty member at a medical school. At the time, I wasn’t disabled, and my participation was. My intent was to demonstrate the value of service dogs to a skeptical medical community. This endeavor took an unexpected turn when I was assigned Mattie, the only dog in the program I didn’t want. [Missed opportunity to be more specific and vivid about Mattie to help the reader visualize him/her and help us understand why Patricia didn’t want himher]

Years later, after a I was diagnosised of with multiple sclerosis, my connection with Mattie transformed from a clinical experiment into a profound personal journey [Show this with much more specificity]. It was this change in circumstance, which I explore with humor and scientific avidity in Beyond the Leash. [Extremely dry, emotionless, and abstract summary. Not helping the reader understand the story (or the science) with any specificity. If it’s funny, you need to show us it’s funny via the plot description]

Interwoven throughout this account are quirky and heart-wrenching stories of other exceptional animals and their human
companions, ranging from quirky encounters to heart-wrenching stories of loss and tragedy. The
narrative It also delves into the surprising history of service dogs, including a Soviet study that
revolutionized our understanding of canine evolution.

Beyond the Leash: A Memoir of Service and Science is complete at 94,000 words and will appeal to readers of The Speckled Beauty by Rick Bragg and Merle’s Door: Lessons from a Freethinking Dog by Ted Kerasote.

My nonfiction work has been featured in academic journals and textbooks chapters. My first effort
into the commercial arena resulted in the publication of mMy short story, “The Young Lieutenant’s
Dog,” which appeared as a feature article in The Bark (250,000 readers) as their feature article in the spring, 2020 issue. In terms of expertise and a platform for the subject, I was the senior author in the first double-blind study examining the therapeutic use of service animals in nursing homes, authored the national hospital guidelines for service dogs, and served as a consultant with the Ffederal judiciary in
developing the laws for assistance animals. I have also been a keynote speaker at conferences for
those with disabilities, including military veterans, and others who work with these populations,
including veterinarians, teachers and health care workers.

The complete manuscript and a detailed proposal are available for your review. Your time and
consideration of my work are greatly appreciated.

Thanks again to pbloom!

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Art: Adolf Eberle – Füttern der Hunde