A query is not a classic business letter (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Jswriting, whose query is below.

July 14, 2023

Targeted Literary Agent Name
Agent’s Address

Janene Roberts Massieh
Author’s Address
Author’s Phone Number
Author’s Email address

Dear Agent,

I saw your profile on LinkedIn and see that you reside in the same area as I do. It looks like you have been with Targeted Literary Agency a long time.

I’m querying you because I think we would be a good fit for my novel, Worth More Than Sparrows. When Claire Stravinsky starts losing her memories, she must track down her childhood friend John Sloane. But he keeps disappearing and she finds out he’s losing his mind too and the authorities are after him.

As a young orphan, Claire met John after being adopted by supportive parents. Claire and John finally reconnect to seek answers and to confront the place where it all started.

Worth More Than Sparrows takes readers on a rollercoaster ride of mysteries to solve in 76,000 words. Set in the not-too-distant future, it will appeal to a mass audience of readers looking for higher truths. The book has some Christian themes, the title references Matthew 10:29-31, set in an altered universe where people are able to store positive memories.

I started my creative writing journey in the 1990’s while attending spontaneous writing prompt groups led by Judy Reeves, author of A Writer’s Book of Days. I was a weekly regular and since 2003 found that the prompts kept bringing up Claire and John’s story. So I compiled the pieces I had written and started laying down the novel. Over the years my beliefs grew so I could write authentically about characters seeking answers. However, the mystery is primarily the theme so it should be palatable to all audiences.

I have taught writing classes and wrote a children’s book called Anna Maria, The Fruit of the Spirit. I have also led prompt writing groups for the San Diego Writer’s Ink and have run my own. I am currently a part of a read and critique group and have written many blog posts for my websites Cinderella Factory and Popcorn Press and Media.

This will be my debut novel and I’m excited about it. Since I enjoy reading it, I think others will too. I am looking forward to connecting with you soon.

Sincerely,

I’m old enough that I learned to type on a typewriter when I was a freshman in high school. I learned classic and adjusted business letter formats, carefully hitting “return” the right number of times, listing my address, then the recipient’s address, and starting the letter properly with “Dear Mr./Ms…”, fixing mistakes with whiteout.

This knowledge is now pretty useless. Including the “Mr./Ms.” part, which is falling out of fashion because you shouldn’t assume someone’s pronouns.

You are almost assuredly submitting electronically. You don’t need to start a query letter with the date or anyone’s mailing address. Treat it like the email that it is. Just start with “Dear [Agent first name].” Fine to use Dear “Mr./Ms. [Agent last name]” if you know the agent’s preferred pronouns.

Otherwise, candidly this query is in very rough shape and loses sight of the fact that the plot description is by far the most important element of a query letter for a novel. When you strip away all that’s extraneous in this query letter (we don’t need to be told what it’s like to read the novel and how the novel came to exist), the plot description amounts to four choppy sentences, not nearly enough to give us a sense of the plot and what it would be like to read the novel.

Don’t worry about spoilers and be very specific about what’s happening and what the characters ultimately have to do as the novel heads toward the climax.

Nail the plot description. Everything else is secondary.

Here’s my redline:

July 14, 2023

Targeted Literary Agent Name
Agent’s Address

Janene Roberts Massieh
Author’s Address
Author’s Phone Number
Author’s Email address

Dear Agent,

I saw your profile on LinkedIn and see that you reside in the same area as I do. It looks like you have been with Targeted Literary Agency a long time. [I know this might just be a placeholder, but these are pretty odd ways to personalize. Personalize without getting strangely personal about people’s age and location]

I’m querying you because I think we would be a good fit for my novel, Worth More Than Sparrows. When [AGE] orphan Claire Stravinsky starts losing her memories in [WHAT YEAR IT IS], she must track down her childhood friend John Sloane. But he keeps disappearing and she finds out he’s losing his mind too [How does this manifest itself specifically?] and the authorities are after him.

As a young orphan, Claire met John after being adopted by supportive parents. Claire and John finally reconnect to seek answers [Extremely vague] and to confront the place where it all started [Extremely vague].

Worth More Than Sparrows is a takes readers on a rollercoaster ride of mysteries to solve in [You shouldn’t need to tell the agent what it’s like to read the novel, it should be apparent from the plot description] 76,000 words [GENRE] novel. Set in the not-too-distant future, it that will appeal to a mass audience of readers looking for higher truths of [COMPS]. The book has some Christian themes, and the title references Matthew 10:29-31, set in an altered universe where people are able to store positive memories. [If you are specifically targeting the Christian book market I’d mention this, otherwise I wouldn’t mention it]

I started my creative writing journey in the 1990’s while attending spontaneous writing prompt groups led by Judy Reeves, author of A Writer’s Book of Days. I was a weekly regular and since 2003 found that the prompts kept bringing up Claire and John’s story. So I compiled the pieces I had written and started laying down the novel. Over the years my beliefs grew so I could write authentically about characters seeking answers. However, the mystery is primarily the theme so it should be palatable to all audiences. [Irrelevant to include how you started writing or how a novel came to be]

I have taught writing classes and wrote a children’s book called Anna Maria, The Fruit of the Spirit [If this was published, where was it published? If it’s unpublished, the agent doesn’t need to know about manuscripts in the drawer]. I have also led prompt writing groups for the San Diego Writer’s Ink and have run my own. I am currently a part of a read and critique group and have written many blog posts for my websites Cinderella Factory and Popcorn Press and Media.

This will be my debut novel and I’m excited about it. Since I enjoy reading it, I think others will too. [An agent will absolutely not believe this logic] I am looking forward to connecting with you soon.

Sincerely,

Thanks again to Jswriting!

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Art: The Courtyard of the Orphanage in Amsterdam by Max Libermann