Don’t let a lyrical voice get away from you (page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to BooneLittlehorse, whose page is below:

Title; Jeeter Sharlow
Fiction

Had it been midnight of the winter solstice, the longest night of the year, had there been not the slightest illumination to fall on the streets of Fox Creek, West Virginia or even the dim glow of a solitary bulb suspended from a store’s ceiling Jeeter Sharlow wouldn’t have made one wrong step on his way home. He’d taken the same path so often on his way to and from school his feet had acquired the innate ability of maintaining the proper stride and to land where they were needed pointed in the right direction. Walking all the way home by himself was unusual. Having Alice, a neighbor who lived not far down his road or his good friend and class room buddy Carleen alongside happened more often than not. Friday conversations would be about what each was going to do during weekend. But this Friday Jeeter had seen neither one of them yet. He didn’t give it much thought until he came to a strange sight across the street at the Western Auto store.

Huddled in front of the store’s sidewalk window standing close together like they were trying to see through the same hole in a fence was a group of school kids. At the back of the pack he easily spotted Carleen, the tall student who never went home without carrying a book or two from school under an arm. Checking behind and not seeing his older brother meant Merle had stopped somewhere to smoke a cigarette with his friend, Orange Tabor.

There are some really nice details in this opening that establish a sense of place, and I appreciate the author’s stab at crafting a lyrical voice. Unfortunately, that voice tripped me up a bit more than I would have liked, and I struggled to wrap my mind around some of the sentences.

Right off the bat, the opening formulation of “Had it been midnight, “had there not been not the slightest illumination” tripped me up. Are there words missing here? Otherwise, it’s extremely difficult to wrap one’s mind around a setting when we’re only being told what it’s not.

Read this sentence out loud: “He’d taken the same path so often on his way to and from school his feet had acquired the innate ability of maintaining the proper stride and to land where they were needed pointed in the right direction.” To me, this just feels like it’s trying too hard to say something very straightforward (He’s been this way many times) in a way that’s as complicated as humanly possible.

Writers don’t need to reinvent the wheel with every sentence, and it’s usually better to say what’s straightforward in a straightforward way while save your verbal gymnastics for the concepts that are a bit more ineffable. Don’t let your attempts at crafting a unique voice get away from you. Particularly when the reader is trying to get their bearings, it’s usually better to err on the side of clarity.

I also worry that the author is so concerned with establishing the opening image of someone walking home in total darkness, they don’t then realize the second part of the page doesn’t make much sense. If it’s so dark the protagonist can’t even walk properly, how exactly is he seeing a group of school kids in front of the Western Auto?

Here’s my redline:

Title; Jeeter Sharlow
Fiction

Had it been midnight of the winter solstice, the longest night of the year, had there been not [“Had it been midnight” / “had there been not” — I’m confused. Set the scene with more precision. We don’t need to know what it’s not, we need to know what it is] the slightest illumination to fall on the streets of Fox Creek, West Virginia at midnight of the winter solstice, or even the dim glow of a solitary bulb suspended from in a store’s ceiling, Jeeter Sharlow wouldn’t have made one wrong step on his way home. He’d taken the same path so often on his way to and from school his feet had acquired the an innate ability of maintaining the proper stride and to land where they were needed pointed in the right direction. [Convoluted sentence to say something simple] Walking all the way home by himself was unusual. More often than not he Having had Alice, a neighbor who lived not far down his the road, or his good friend and classroom buddy Carleen alongside happened more often than not. On Friday their conversations would be about what each was they were going to do during the weekend. But this Friday Jeeter had seen neither one of them yet. He didn’t give it much thought until he came to a strange sight across the street at the Western Auto store.

Huddled in front of the store’s sidewalk window, standing close together like they were trying to see through the same hole in a fence, was a group of school kids. At the back of the pack he easily spotted Carleen, the a tall student who never went home without carrying a book or two from school under an arm. Checking behind and not seeing His older brother wasn’t there, meant meaning Merle had stopped somewhere to smoke a cigarette with his friend, Orange Tabor. [Another clunky sentence]

Thanks again to BooneLittlehorse!

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Art: Norsk vinterlandskap by Mathias Blumenthal