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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Tamara Baker, whose page is below:
Doctor of Physick
Genre: Historical/Paranormal/Speculative Fiction243 words
Chapter One
Brother Petrus, presently of the Cistercian foundation of Jorevall Abbey but sometime Neel Thornton of Thornton Steward in the North Riding of Yorkshire in the Kingdom of England, was not as secure in his vocation as he or his superiors would have wished. Never was this truer than now, on this night of Ash Wednesday of the dying year of Our Lord fourteen hundred and seventy-seven, when a vision of the future woke him an hour from Prime from what had been a sound and happy sleep.
Like his late mother Aldys, and his twin sister Elyn back in the world, Petrus was given to visions great and small. This vision was terrifying.
A greedy usurper, backed by the French, takes the throne. He and his followers put the common folk under a crushing load of fines, fees and taxes, put the screws and worse to merchants who refuse to give instead of sell their wares to the usurper’s men, and put to the noose or ax anyone else who dares impede their will, much as the Henries the Fourth and Fifth slaughtered those they called heretics, and using the harsh old Roman law instead of that more liberal law derived in England over many and more recent centuries of time.
Worse yet, his greedier son further beggars the land with ruinous wars and, seeking to pay for these wars, plunders the monasteries and creates his own bastard heresy to sanctify his deeds.
I like that this page aims for a unique and old-world-ish style, but I nevertheless have some concerns about this approach.
The writing is full of small redundancies and needlessly complicated phrases that continuously tripped me up. We don’t need extra options tacked onto a sentence like “fines, fees, and taxes,” “put the screws and worse,” or “put to the noose or ax.” Just pick one and we’ll get the gist. Doesn’t “taxes” suffice as a single catchall for fines, fees, and taxes?
These redundancies contribute to some really confusing sentences. Please read this sentence out loud:
He and his followers put the common folk under a crushing load of fines, fees and taxes, put the screws and worse to merchants who refuse to give instead of sell their wares to the usurper’s men, and put to the noose or ax anyone else who dares impede their will, much as the Henries the Fourth and Fifth slaughtered those they called heretics, and using the harsh old Roman law instead of that more liberal law derived in England over many and more recent centuries of time.
I also worry that there’s quite a bit of pre-summarizing of what’s about to happen. Rather than simply experiencing the scene with Petrus as he experiences it, we’re instead told he’s going to have a vision of the future, and that it’s going to be terrifying. And the whole vision entirely is a pre-summary of what’s going to happen in England in the future.
Dreams and visions are always tricky to handle in novels because it can be difficult for the reader to grasp how literally they should be interpreted. It’s even trickier to start off with one before the reader has their bearings and any context for the world of the novel.
Is this the right place for the novel to begin? Should we be connected a bit more keenly to something Petrus is trying to accomplish, rather than loading us down with a portentous vision right off the bat?
Here’s my redline:
Doctor of Physick
Genre: Historical/Paranormal/Speculative Fiction243 words
Chapter One
Brother Petrus, presently a [WHAT] of the Cistercian foundation of Jorevall Abbey, but sometimes Neel Thornton of Thornton Steward in the North Riding of Yorkshire
in the Kingdom of England[Thaaaaat’s my name too! But seriously, does this really need to be this confusing, particularly as a first impression?], was not as secure in his vocation as he or his superiors would have wished. Never was this truer thannow,on this night of Ash Wednesday of the dying year of Our Lord fourteen hundred and seventy-seven, when a vision of the future [Are you sure you want to pre-summarize what’s about to happen?] woke him an hour from Prime fromwhat had beena sound and happy sleep.Like his late mother Aldys, and his twin sister Elyn
back in the world[I don’t understand what “back in the world” means in this context], Petrus was given to visions great and small. This vision was terrifying. [Pre-summarizing again. Just show this?]A greedy usurper, backed by the French, takes the throne. He
and his followersputs the common folk under a crushing load offines, fees andtaxes, put the screwsand worseto merchants who refuse to giveinstead of selltheir wares to the usurper’s men [Needlessly convoluted], and put to the nooseor ax[Do we really need options here? Just pick one and we’ll get the gist] anyoneelsewho dares impede their will, much as the Henries the Fourth and Fifth slaughtered those they called heretics, andusing the harsh old Roman lawinstead of that more liberal law derived in England over many and more recent centuries of time. [Tacking on redundancies]Worse yet, his greedier son further beggars the land with ruinous wars and, seeking to pay for these wars, plunders the monasteries and creates his own bastard heresy to sanctify his deeds.
Thanks again to Tamara Baker!
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Art: Kirkstall Abbey from the N.W. by Thomas Girtin