Utilize the narrative voice to connect us to the broader story (page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Princesisto, whose page is below:

1. MOON KID
(2018-2021)

-1-
She was not there.
She had gone to sleep singing. She was singing her own songs with words that sometimes went together and sometimes didn’t. Now, when I passed by her bedroom, I heard nothing. I thought I would open the door and see her sleeping in a ray of moonlight.
I opened the bedroom door, turned the lights on and no one was there. I called her. No one answered. The window was open. Her room was on first floor, upstairs.
I looked out the window. I saw only darkness pierced by moonlight. Not even the shadow of a child.
I panicked. I ran downstairs with a torch.
“Jen, Jen!” I said to her nanny, “Where is she? I cannot find her! She’s disappeared! Did you see Mary E?”
“No, Sal, I thought she was sleeping,” said Jen.
“Aye and she was. But not now. Now she’s just gone. You didn’t see her come down?”
“No. My God, what do you think happened?” asked Jen.
“Right now, I’m not thinkin’. I’m lookin’. Come with me. Help me!”
We went out to the front garden, shining the torch on the outside of the house to see if she was trying to come down, if she’d got out the window. We looked in the garden under every bush. We were running up and down Yeoford Drive like madwomen, calling her name. We saw darkness here, moonlight there, heard silence everywhere: but no toddlers.

This is a strong page on the whole and there are some deft images and turns of phrase. I particularly liked that the protagonist hoped to find Mary E. “sleeping in a ray of moonlight.”

That said, I also worry it’s a needlessly vague way to start a novel and it takes a bit too long to give the reader enough information to grasp the broader context. To me the real consequence here is less to do with understanding who Mary E. is (given the context that she was singing songs of her own creation it’s easy enough to conclude she’s a child), but more that we’re not really connected to Sal, the protagonist.

What feels missing is how Sal is processing Mary E.’s disappearance. Is this a regular occurrence? Is it unprecedented? What does Sal fear could happen to Mary E. outside if she did indeed escape?

If we had more of a sense of her specific thoughts, it would begin to orient us around where we are, what’s at stake with Mary E. going missing, and what Sal needs to do about it. We’d be drawn into the broader story.

Because the narrative voice and physical description are so spare in this opening beyond shadows and moonlight, it’s difficult to even understand or visualize the setting. It’s clear from the language and use of “first floor” that we’re not in the United States, but beyond that “Yeoford Drive” could be any number of places.

The overall idea here represents a promising start, but with more specificity and a bit sharper use of the narrative voice this opening page would be even more vivid.

Here’s my redline:

1. MOON KID
(2018-2021)

-1-
She was not there. [Are you sure you want to start this vaguely?]
She Mary E. had gone to sleep singing. She was singing [Needless repetition in an otherwise evocative image] her own songs with words that sometimes went together and sometimes didn’t. Now, when I passed by her bedroom, I heard nothing. I thought I would open the door and see her sleeping in a ray of moonlight. [Another good image]
I opened the bedroom door, turned the lights on and no one was there. I called her. No one answered. The window was open. Her room was on first floor, upstairs.
I looked out the window. I saw only darkness pierced by moonlight outside. Not even the shadow of a child.
I panicked. [Just show this] I ran downstairs with a torch.
“Jen, Jen!” I said to her nanny, “Where is she Mary E? I cannot find her! She’s disappeared! Did you see Mary E?” [Dialogue feels excessive even given Sal is panicked]
“No, Sal, [Confusing for Jen to say the protagonist’s name in this context] I thought she was sleeping,” said Jen.
“Aye and she was. But not now. Now she’s just gone. You didn’t see her come down?”
“No. My God, what do you think happened?” asked Jen.
“Right now, I’m not thinkin’. I’m lookin’. Come with me. Help me!”
We went out to the front garden, shining the torch on the outside of the house to see if she was trying to come down, if she’d got out the window. We looked in the garden under every bush. We were running ran up and down Yeoford Drive like madwomen, calling her name. We saw darkness here, moonlight there, heard silence everywhere: but no toddlers.

Thanks again to Princesisto!

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Art: Man and Woman Contemplating the Moon by Caspar David Friedrich