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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Elsie, whose page is below:
Genre: I’d like suggestions here. It is based in the future with a mix of action, mystery and faith.
New York, 2041
Caring For Orphaned Sparrows
“Angie, ready for our story,” Claire asked perched on her bed in a pink frayed cotton nightgown. Claire studied Angie. She looked tired and ready for sleep.
“Can it wait ’til morning,” Angie said with a yawn.
“No, please, I want to know what happens with James,” Susie chimed in like a nosy Raven wanting to overtake them.
“OK, just a little then,” Angie said sitting up straighter.
“Tell us, um, where James is,” Susie said.
“Well,” Claire stopped to think.” James got out of the tunnel he was in.”
“He did,” Angie said getting out of her bed and sitting at the end of Claire’s,“where is he now?”
”So James came out of the tunnel but it was so bright that he had to adjust his eyes. He rubbed them,” Claire wiped hers to act out the scene as she stood up to continue, “and squinted toward the light. He had been in there so long he wasn’t sure what was at the end of it.”
“Hmm, yeah, I remember he was there too long” Susie said eagerly moving closer to Claire. “Can I act out the scene too?” She asked. Claire nodded.
“He felt a chill in the air,” Claire wrapped her arms around her body, “and wished he had a sweater.”
“I remember he had lost his shirt in the water, right?” Angie said rubbing her eyes.
“You’re right Angie, he did…
My critique here is pretty simple: this page drastically over-relies on dialogue.
There’s no narrative voice anchoring us in the story and contextualizing who these characters are to each other, the perspective is muddled, there’s very little physical description, there’s no exposition to bring us up to speed, we don’t understand what’s motivating the characters.
Instead of immersing us in a scene with the information we need to understand what’s happening, we’re left sifting for clues about what’s happening via vague dialogue referencing things we don’t have the context to properly understand, which is an exhausting way to read. The characters even all sound broadly similar, rather than distinct personalities emerging.
If all you’re giving the reader is disembodied voices, it’s inevitably going to feel like we’re overhearing a conversation we’re not privy to. It’s not a good way of inviting someone into the story.
Here’s my redline:
Genre: I’d like suggestions here. It is based in the future with a mix of action, mystery and faith. [If it takes place in 2041, it’s almost assuredly science/speculative fiction]
New York, 2041
Caring For Orphaned Sparrows
“Angie, ready for our story?
,” Claire asked, perched on her bed in a pink frayed cotton nightgown. Claire studied Angie, [CONTEXT FOR WHO ANGIE IS AND WHAT’S MOTIVATING THE PROTAGONIST IN THIS SCENE]. She looked tired [Be more specific/vivid] and ready for sleep.“Can it wait ’til morning?
,” Angie said with a yawn.“No, please, I want to know what happens with James,” Susie chimed in like a nosy Raven wanting to overtake them. [I don’t understand what this is referring to. “Raven?” “overtake them?”]
“OK, just a little then,” Angie said, sitting up straighter.
“Tell us
, um,where James is,” Susie said.“Well,” Claire stopped to think.” James got out of the tunnel he was in.” [I don’t understand what this is referring to]
“He did,” Angie said getting out of her bed and sitting at the end of Claire’s
,. “wWhere is he now?””So James came out of the tunnel, but it was so bright that he had to adjust his eyes. He rubbed them
,.” Claire wiped hers to act out the sceneas. [This gesture doesn’t add much]sShe stood up to continue,. “and squinted toward the light. He had been in there so long he wasn’t sure what was at the end of it.”“Hmm, yeah, I remember he was there too long,” [Still insufficient context for the reader] Susie said eagerly, moving closer to Claire. “Can I act out the scene too?”
She asked.¶Claire nodded. “He felt a chill in the air,” Claire wrapped her arms around her body, “and wished he had a sweater.”
“I remember he had lost his shirt in the water, right?” Angie said rubbing her eyes.
“You’re right Angie, he did…
Thanks again to Jswriting!
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Art: Innenansicht der Galerie Algaby an der Simplonstrasse by Friedrich Wilhelm Moritz
Great review as always. If I may add, be careful breaking up the dialogue with action in the middle of the sentences where they are telling the story. It is hard to keep up with what is story and what is actually happening.