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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Phil Thomas, whose page is below:
A Renaissance Affaire – Short Story
Phil Thomas
First PageJosh Capra followed the young woman closely as she approached the wine-tasting grove. He’d been on her trail for over ten minutes, keeping a safe distance and nosing through the crowded allies of the Renaissance Faire. He wasn’t a killer by nature, but after a tight intake of breath, he palmed the blood-flecked handle of the small four-inch butter knife in his pocket. Having stolen it no more than one hour earlier from the Nachos of Nottingham food stand, it had proved to be an easily concealable instrument of death.
The woman took a seat on a stool around the nest of bodies dressed as court jesters and voluptuous wenches. She asked for a sample of Knight’s Reward, an unusually dry, popular wine at the festival. This scenario wasn’t going to work. With so many potential witnesses, someone was sure to see him retrieve the blade and puncture her spine. She was a lost cause, but he couldn’t give up now.
The body count was rising, and he was just getting started.
***
When Josh awoke that morning, the last thing on his mind was murder. He had thoughts of sipping honey mead, devouring ham on a bone, attending the horse joust, and spending the day wandering the annual Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire with his fiancée, Barbara, and his two friends.It was something they did every year since working together at the Shake Shack. That was twelve years ago. Now in their thirties, they’d all transitioned to other careers, graduated from college, got on with their lives. But this was the one thing that brought them together every October, no matter what life told them. And this year was no different.
If there’s one character I see recur again and again in novels, it’s the cardboard cutout evil killer stalking their latest kill, often in order to demonstrate their intelligence or mastery or because they’re just plain evil (or all of the above). “Serial killer-ese” has to be the most common trope that still seeps into novels and short stories.
I do like that after the initial stock stalking scene (say that five times fast), the picture of Josh’s life is made a bit more nuanced and specific, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve read the first three paragraphs of this story hundreds of times before with only settings, murder weapons, and character names changed.
Push past these tropes and infuse your villains (or in this case it appears protagonist/villain) with more originality. The best way to do that is to push stereotypes out of your head, anchor more to real life, and be very specific and precise about your character so they feel differentiated. Even if you’re planning to use these tropes to later undermine them, try to show more glimmers of uniqueness to peek through from the start so it feels like something different.
Apart from that, there were a few clunky and strange phrasings that threw me off, and I’m not sure we needed the section break and micro-flashback to waking up rather than just staying immersed in the present scene.
Here’s my redline:
A Renaissance Affaire – Short Story
Phil Thomas
First PageJosh Capra followed the young woman closely as she approached the wine-tasting grove. He’d been on her trail for over ten minutes, keeping a safe distance and nosing through the crowded
alliesaisles [I think you mean “aisles?”] of the annual Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire. He wasn’t a killer by nature, butafter a tight intake of breath[Feels like an empty gesture. We’re already getting the gist about his mindset],he palmedthe now-blood-fleckedhandle of the smallfour-inch butter knifein his pocket. Having stolen it no more than one hour earlierhe stole from the Nachos of Nottingham food stand, ithad proved to be an easily concealable instrument of death [Really struggling to imagine a small butter knife as an “instrument of death”].The woman took a seat on a stool in the grove [Establish where we are now entirely] around
the nest of bodies[The what?]dressed ascourt jesters and voluptuous wenches. She asked for a sample of Knight’s Reward, anpopular unusually dry, popularwineat the festival. Thisscenariowasn’t going to work. With so many potential witnesses, someone was sure to see himretrieve the blade andpuncture her spine. She was a lost cause, but he couldn’t give up now.The body count was rising, and he was just getting started. [This opening feels a bit lurid and stereotypical serial killer to me]
***[I’m not sure why we need to circle back to this]
When Josh awoke that morning, the last thing on his mind[cliche]was murder.He had thoughts ofJosh had imagined he would be sippinghoneymead [Isn’t all mead “honey” mead?], devouring ham on a bone, attending the horse joust, and spending the day wandering theannual Pennsylvania Renaissance[Should have been established already] Faire with his fiancée, Barbara, and histwofriends [Insert names].It was
something they did every yeartheir tradition sinceworkingthey worked together at the Shake Shack. That wastwelve years ago. Now in their thirties, they’d all transitioned to other careers, graduated from college, got on with their lives. But this was theonething that brought them together every October, no matter what life told them [“what life told them?” Does life talk? I don’t understand what you mean by this].And this year was no different.
Thanks again to PhilThomas!
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Art: Mirko Virius – Vineyards
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