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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to 360arts, whose page is below.
Slumped in my classroom’s last row, I stared at the back of my special-education classmates’ heads. James and Lauren locked lips, Jeremy drooled on his desk, and Destiny scrolled through a social media feed. Others doodled on their “mandated” worksheets while Mr. Hendricks, wearing baggy 1990’s clothing, played with his cellphone. If we had anything in common, our teacher shared our boredom. One perk came with my poor excuse of a class though and it rested in Nicole’s bra. Double D chest overflowed from her low cut shirt while she blew gum bubbles and checked her makeup. We’ve all caught Mr. Hendricks staring at her. Nicole banged half the student body, so it’s no surprise if she screwed Mr. Hendricks. She had to pass his class somehow. Kidnappers threw remedial freaks in their basement next to a boiler room with Mr. Hendricks because he compared to upstairs teachers like we compared to upstairs students.
High school imprisoned teenaged convicts, so we idled the same way my fellow inmates wasted class time in juvenile detention. Metal bars on public school basement classroom windows encouraged apathy and pieces of me died every morning I attended. Teachers don’t know anything, but they regurgitate a fraction of what they remember someone taught them and they expect us to follow suit continuing a redundant process. Basement held court, and Mr. Hendricks, our mundane jester, failed to entertain. Our school system ignored responsibility, Mr. Hendricks avoided teaching, and ADHD kids dropped out, but nobody cared. Why should I?
I’m not going to sugarcoat this one. This page lost me straightway due to the narrator’s casual misogyny, and the extremely convoluted and confusing phrasing throughout was just the icing on an unappetizing cake.
Anti-heroes and protagonists with hefty flaws often crop up in pop culture, and many writers try their hand at this, either because they love anti-heroes like Dexter or Walter White, or because they think they’re going to “tell it like it is” and show unvarnished reality.
And to be sure, there’s also a long, problematic history of editors policing what’s “likable” and not likable, particularly when it comes to transgressive female characters.
Here’s my take: characters don’t need to be likable or even good per se, but the reader has to want to invest in them. You should think a great deal about a character’s first impression and what they’re advertising to the reader. Do they seem intriguing? Do we see a mix of positive and negative qualities? If we’re seeing darkness or flaws, is it counterbalanced by positive motives or characteristics?
In this case, we have a protagonist who feels (probably justifiably) aggrieved by the system, but that’s darkened by the weird misogyny and the lack of motivations or something the narrator’s trying to do. They’re just complaining, in a very convoluted way. We don’t see wit or humor or a plan or empathy or something that might balance the picture.
It’s too easy to conclude that this isn’t a character worth investing in. And that’s how you lose the reader.
Here’s my redline:
I
Sslumped in my special-education classroom’s last row, Iand stared at the back of myspecial-educationclassmates’ [Is this how this character would refer to their classmates? Confusing to apply the term to the classmates and not to the classroom] heads. James and Lauren locked lips, Jeremy drooled on his desk, and Destiny scrolledthrough aher social media feed. Others doodled on their “mandated” worksheets.while¶Mr. Hendricks, wearing baggy 1990’s clothing, played with his cellphone [where is he in the room?]. If we had anything in common with him,
our teacher shared ourit was boredom. One perkcame withof my poor excuse of a classthough[Convoluted phrasing]and itrested in Nicole’s bra. Double D chestwhich overflowed from her low cut shirtwhile[Overstuffing sentences].sShe blew gum bubbles and checked her makeup [Pretty creepy way to note and phrase this right off the bat before we’ve gotten to know the narrator. Risking losing the reader]. We’ve all caught Mr. Hendricks staring at her.Nicole banged half the student body, so it’s no surprise if she screwed Mr. Hendricks[REALLY risking losing the reader with casual misogyny].She had to pass his class somehow.Kidnappers threw remedial freaks in their basement next to a boiler room with Mr. Hendricks because he compared to upstairs teachers like we compared to upstairs students. [I don’t understand what this is referring to or how literally to take this]
High school imprisoned teenaged convicts, so wWe idled the same waymy fellowinmates wasted class time in juvenile detention [Extremely convoluted and confusing phrasing]. TheMmetal bars on our public school basement classroom windows encouraged apathy.and pPieces of me died every morning I attended.¶Teachers don’t know anything, but they regurgitate a fraction of what they remember someone taught them and they expect us to follow suit continuing a redundant process [Extremely convoluted phrasing. Read this out loud]. Basement held court, and Mr. Hendricks, our mundane jester, failed to entertain. Our school system ignored responsibility [Be more specific. Responsibility for what? What is he referring to?], Mr. Hendricks avoided teaching, and the ADHD kids dropped out, but nobody cared. Why should I?
Thanks again to 360arts!
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Art: Aufruhr in der Mädchenklasse – August Heinrich Mansfeld
Neil Larkins says
Nathan, I’m glad you were the one to critique this page and not me. I tried several times to say something that would have been useful to the writer but was unable to. I hate it when that happens, as I’m sure most writers do. We want to be helpful to our fellow scribes, but there are times when it just isn’t going to happen with some of us and so we don’t say anything.
JOHN T. SHEA says
Interesting. The protagonist reminds me of a latter-day Holden Caulfield, but even more alienated. Assuming of course that he IS the protagonist and doesn’t detonate a suicide vest an blow up the whole classroom on page two. Incidentally I do think a title and genre might be useful additions to these first pages. Thanks to 360arts and Nathan!
Neil Larkins says
Interesting, Holden Caulfield came to my mind right away too. Takes some doing to pull off a character like that.
J R Tomlin says
Caulfield wasn’t that hateful. And there has, I think, to be some hint that something interesting is going to happen. In Caulfield’s first page of whining, he does promise to tell about the ‘madman stuff’ that happened to him last year and a reference to his ‘breakdown’ confirms that he has a story to tell. I am pretty convinced that on the first page you must hint that there is a story in there somewhere.
Perhaps the convoluted sentences are intended to be intellectually challenging, but they aren’t. They just do not work to be blunt.