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Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to SMStevens, whose page is below.
Title: Beautiful and Terrible Things
Genre: General FictionFirst 250 Words:
Charley jerked her head away too late. The scramble of bloody fur on the asphalt imprinted itself on her brain as a shudder coursed through her body. She stopped jogging at the edge of the two-lane thoroughfare slicing through the heart of Founders Park. Resisting the urge to flee past the carcass, eyes averted, she inched toward it, feeling an obligation to acknowledge the damage and her potential role in it.
The squirrel lay on its back, mouth agape in what Charley imagined to be a silent scream. A spot of red blossomed across the white canvas of its belly. A passing breeze fluttered the wispy tail, startling her. She shuddered again and embraced her torso, the internal heat from her morning run entirely dissipated.
“I’m so sorry, squirrel. I hope you don’t have babies at home who need you.”
At a loss for anything else to say or do, she moved on, crossing the street and continuing down the park trail. She broke into a fast jog, not to outrun the shower that had begun plunking generous droplets on the trail, but to hasten her trip home so she could bury the roadkill image behind her rigid morning regimen.
Back in her bare apartment above the bookstore, she stopped in the bathroom to turn on the shower—number one, then hung her sweaty jogging shorts and tank top off the sides of the laundry basket in her bedroom—number two. Number three, while the water warmed, she pulled out black jeans and a short-sleeved top.
There are some evocative detail in this page, and directionally I like that the author is providing us with some vivid images between the squirrel and the generous droplets of the rain shower. When the protagonist arrives home, I might have liked to have had a bit more physical description along those lines, but I do like that we’re seeing the routine of a regimented character.
My main concern is that the writing feels like it tries just a bit too hard. The first paragraph is a convoluted jumble, and there are a few sentences that feel quite overstuffed, like this one (read this out loud): “The scramble of bloody fur on the asphalt imprinted itself on her brain as a shudder coursed through her body.”
When describing a vivid or chaotic moment, err on the side of short clear sentences rather than trying to pack in a dramatic reaction, particularly a pretty standard/generic one like a shudder.
And rather than looping around so much, err on the side of letting the action unfold in chronological order.
Here’s my redline:
Title: Beautiful and Terrible Things
Genre: General FictionFirst 250 Words:
Charley stopped jogging at the edge of a two-lane thoroughfare slicing through the heart of Founders Park and jerked her head away too late [Err on the side of describing action in chronological order]. The scramble of bloody fur on the asphalt imprinted itself on her brain.
as aA shudder coursed through herbody. [Overstuffed sentence. Read the original sentence out loud.]She stopped jogging at the edge of the two-lane thoroughfare slicing through the heart of Founders Park.ResistingShe resisted the urge to flee past the carcass, eyes averted, sheand inched toward it, feeling an obligation to acknowledgethe damage andher potential role initthe damage. [I’m not grasping what she thinks her “role” is, did she step on it? If so, why isn’t that described?]The squirrel lay on its back, mouth agape in
what Charley imagined to bea silent scream. A spot of red blossomed across the white canvas of its belly. A passing breeze fluttered the wispy tail, startling her. Sheshuddered again andembraced her torso, theinternalheat from her morning run entirely dissipated.“I’m so sorry, squirrel. I hope you don’t have babies at home who need you.”
At a loss for anything else to say or do, sShe moved on, crossing the street and continuing down the park trail. A shower began plunking her with generous droplets. She broke into a fast jog, not to outrun the shower that had begun plunking generous droplets on the trail, butto hasten her trip home so she could bury the roadkill image behind her rigid morning regimen. [Another overstuffed sentence]Back in her bare apartment above the bookstore, she stopped in the bathroom to turn on the shower.
—nNumber one, then h. Hung her sweaty jogging shorts and tank top off the sides of the laundry basket in her bedroom—nNumber two.Number three, wWhile the water warmed, she pulled out black jeans and a short-sleeved top. Number three.
Thanks again to SMStevens!
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Art: Still life with a squirrel by Andreas Stech
Neil Larkins says
All the elements are there to make me want to read more. Tightening them up, arranging in neater order, then taking out the superfluous really helped. (Good choice on the artwork, Nathan. Squirrel is in the title, but all that fruit nearly hid him. I kept concentrating on the apple the artist took several bites from. Much like this page.) Thanks, SMStevens.
S.M. Stevens says
Thanks for the input, Neil. And I love the artwork choice too. 🙂
A Do-Gooder says
In the first paragraph you’ve accidentally crossed out the final letter of ‘carcass’ as well!
Nathan Bransford says
Thanks!
JOHN T. SHEA says
The squirrel in the painting is going to be very overstuffed very soon! Thanks to SMStevens and Nathan.
SJ says
Two things stand out to me, and I think they’re important because they directly relate to the MC’s emotions. I see the forgetting to head-jerk away from the roadkill coming before she stops running. She stops because she feels compelled to honor it. If she’d kept her routine and averted her eyes early enough, the rules of her mind game say she would have been free to keep running. This sounds like real OCD, with mind games, rules, rituals. Similarly, there’s allusion to misplaced guilt. The MC’s potential involvement in this squirrel’s death is her self-blame for being part of the human race that drives over innocent squirrels. She blames herself for being human. These two signs, on top of the regimented routine at home, introduce us to a complex MC who is caring and obsessive to the point of self-inflicted emotional torment over something as seemingly trivial as a dead squirrel. Intriguing. Makes me want to spend more time in this sensitive character’s mind to find out what else she mistakenly thinks is her fault.
S.M. Stevens says
SJ, thank you for this thoughtful commentary! You nailed it. Yes, she feels compelled to honor the squirrel’s death, in part because she’s a member of the human race but also for a deeper reason we don’t know yet. And your comment “Makes me want to spend more time in this sensitive character’s mind to find out what else she mistakenly thinks is her fault” hits on this character’s arc — she has a lot of self loathing and misplaced guilt to process. The novel has been accepted by TouchPoint Press and will be published in about a year’s time. I hope you will read it when the time comes.
S.M. Stevens says
Nathan – Embarrassingly belated thanks for this critique. It is very helpful and I appreciate that you take the time to help other writers!