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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to SusanWriter, whose page is below.
It was a small house, the living room neat but sparsely furnished, holding two lounge chairs, three big screen TVs, one dead body and seventeen cats. Not even breathing through my mouth made the stench bearable.
I stared at the body; milky eyes stared back as though they could see into my soul, while cats wound around my feet and used my jeans for a scratching post. One death-blotched hand clutched a business card; I could just out my Skylark Investigations logo through the blood splotches. I knew better than to touch it, much less try to tuck it somewhere out of sight where it couldn’t bite me on the ass.
Just my luck. Dunwitty will have a field day with this, I thought as I pulled out my cell and speed-dialed the detective.
He picked up on the third ring and I made my first mistake. I took a breath so I could speak. The miasma of dead body and cat urine corkscrewed into my lungs. I spent the first minute of the call hacking up my lungs and listening to Dunwitty shout in my ear.
“Body,” I finally managed to gasp. “Number one-twelve Seventeenth Street, near Pismo.”
“One of yours, Skylark?” came the sarcastic reply.
Another breath and more coughing. My eyes watered and I stumbled toward the door, tripping over cats on my way.
“Fuck you, Dunwitty,” I growled, “just get over here. Bring your CSU friends, we’ll have a party.”
“Don’t touch anything,” Dunwitty ordered, and hung up.
There are elements of this opening that I like, particularly the breezy spirit and the clear voice.
That said, I have seen many, many openings like this over the years where the author tries to establish a jaunty/familiar tone by smushing in significant details in off-kilter ways (i.e. oh by the way there’s a dead body) and brushing past contextualizing information that might help the reader better understand the story (i.e. who is the protagonist talking to and why) as if the reader should just trust this breezy voice and try to keep up.
The tone this approach ends up striking is one of unearned familiarity. The narrative voice acts as if the reader is already up to speed on the world of the novel, but the reader is just trying to get their bearings.
Remember that a narrative voice is telling a story to someone in 2021. We need sufficient context to understand key storytelling elements like the protagonist’s motivation and sufficient exposition so we can follow along. It doesn’t take much to simply contextualize who Dunwitty is to Skylark rather than forcing the reader to try to guess or piece it together. Instead of focusing on the story, the reader is put in a position where they’re trying to figure out what is happening entirely.
Trust that the voice will only be even more engaging if the reader is brought along on the journey.
UPDATE 1:30pm: To be clear, I’m not saying every single thing (like who the body is) has to be revealed right off the bat if that is intended as an intentional mystery. But I don’t see what’s lost by crisply contextualizing likely non-mysterious details like who Dunwitty is to the protagonist.
Here’s my redline:
It was a small house [What house? Contextualize], the living room neat but sparsely furnished, holding two lounge chairs, three big screen TVs, one dead body and seventeen cats. Not even breathing through my mouth made the stench bearable. The miasma of dead body and cat urine corkscrewed into my lungs.
I stared at the body [Describe more precisely and contextualize who this is]
; mMilky eyes stared back as though they could see into my soul, while c. Cats wound around my feet and used my jeansforas a scratching post. One death-blotched hand clutched a business card;and I could just make out my Skylark Investigations logo through the blood splotches. I knew better than to touch it, much less try to tuck it somewhere out of sight where it couldn’t bite me on the ass.Just my luck. Detective Dunwitty will have a field day with this [Contextualize who Dunwitty is], I thought as I pulled out my cell and speed-dialed him
the detective.He picked up on the third ring
and I made my first mistake. I took a breath so I could speak[Skylark has already taken breaths per the first paragraph?].The miasma of dead body and cat urine corkscrewed into my lungs.Ispent the first minute[The first minute? Really? What is Dunwitty shouting about for a whole minute and why aren’t we seeing this dialogue?]of the call hacking up my lungs and listening to Dunwitty shout in my ear.“Body,” I
finally managed togasped through the stench. “Number one-twelve Seventeenth Street, near Pismo.”“One of yours, Skylark?”
came the sarcastic replyDunwitty asked.[One of what? Contextualize Skylark’s reaction to what Dunwitty’s saying] I took
Aanother breath andmore coughingcoughed some more. My eyes watered and I stumbled toward the door, tripping over cats on my way.“Fuck you, Dunwitty,” I growled, “just get over here. Bring your CSU friends, we’ll have a party.”
“Don’t touch anything,” Dunwitty said
ordered, and hung up.
Thanks again to SusanWriter!
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Art: Cats by a fishbowl by Horatio Henry Couldery
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I really liked the original, for what it’s worth. As a reader I very much prefer not to have everything explained to me in so many words, but to have the essential information revealed to me gradually (and preferably with skill) as the story goes on.
Sorry! This is a very interesting topic anyway, thanks.
I’m not saying every single detail needs to be revealed right away, but I don’t see what’s lost by just crisply giving a bit more context for something like who Dunwitty is?
I agree with you, Nathan. A bit more exposition to keep the reader up to speed with what the MC knows will help to move things along… unless there is a compelling reason to withhold that info for now. Which should be stated. As well, more dialogue would be a good addition here to explain what has happened and what the MC’s involvement is.
Anyway, the only thing I would add is at the last when the MC “growls” into the phone. Considering the coughing spell, perhaps “croaked” would be a better choice? Otherwise, this looks like a good story in the making.
Thank you for so perfectly describing something I loathe about what a lot of voice-y intros do these days. I never pick up these books, and I wasn’t totally sure why. You’re right: the over-familiarity is unearned and betrays that the writer doesn’t totally understand what they’re doing. (Not to insult the writer; my own prose is pretty mediocre half the time. Intros are hard.)
I might moderate that just a tad as “betrays that the writer doesn’t totally understand what they’re doing” is not what I intended to convey.
I’m not trying to say I don’t think the writer knows what they’re doing, and some of this is subjective and comes down to personal choice. I just believe that you can have a breezy tone while still grounding the reader and it’s more of the best of both worlds. But there are others who think this page is just fine as it is.
Yes, the tone is in vogue right now. Many readers think it’s a perk. In that sense, the writer knows exactly what they’re doing.
Also, I love that this page critique examines something not often talked about. I think that’s why you’re having to clarify yourself some, because it IS a little relative. But this is the type of examination I find more valuable these days, and it’s slim pickings sometimes, so thanks again.
Thanks!
Excellent revisions. Goes to show what a few well-placed edits can do for an already strong opening. I like the voice, it’s intriguing & reminiscent of a 21st-century-Sam-Spade. But I also agree context can make this opening really shine.
I did immediately wonder “what kind of body? Male/female/old/young/bloated/liquified/or…”
I’m a sucker for a P.I. story, and the breezy voice hooked me, so I would have kept reading for a few pages before deciding whether to buy this book. But with Nathan’s changes, I probably would have bought it after just this page.