Always establish the perspective (page critique)

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• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Chris Qualls, whose page is below.

TITLE: Surfing On The Edge Of Creation
GENRE: Science Fiction

The surfer, clad in a red metallic body mesh, guided his robotic surf board through the chum that rose with the big wave as it neared the beach. The lights on one side of the board flashed wildly as it altered its course, and the surfer crouched on the board. Suddenly from inside the wave a great white shark leapt for the surfer. In response, the surfer raised his left arm to avoid the shark while the board maneuvered under the wave’s crest to maximize the distance from the shark. A few of shark’s teeth contacted the material covering the surfer’s body and broke as they slid across his forearm, and in the same motion the surfer used his right hand to push up under the shark to create the appearance that he’d thrown it over his head. The surfer rode the wave into shore without further incidents, and the crowd cheered as he emerged from the surf.

Pulling back from the image on the beach club deck’s big screen in the twilight, the MC turned from the screen, looked out over the crowd, and said, “For that awesome show of keeping his cool as the king of predators missed him by inches, and for wowing us with some most excellent moves in avoiding becoming dinner, we give this year’s trophy to Athuhv Leander Chaska Clemens, the 2043 winner of the South African Open Extreme Shark Surfing Competition!”

There are some interesting details in this opening, and I am intrigued by the idea of a futuristic surfing competition. Adding a shark attack is a nice touch.

My main concern with this opening is that I came away a bit confused about the perspective. Who is narrating? What does the narrative voice know and what doesn’t it know? Who is contextualizing what’s happening for us?

Right off the bat we have an unnamed surfer, which is more typical of third person limited. If the anchoring character doesn’t know the surfer’s name, it’s fine for the surfer to remain unnamed. But we aren’t firmly anchored to any particular character in this opening.

If this is third person omniscient, why wouldn’t the surfer be named from the get-go? Why wouldn’t the narrative voice know who it is and why wouldn’t the broader context for the competition be established earlier?

Aside from feeling just a tad unanchored, I worry some of these sentences feel needlessly complicated and convoluted. It’s helpful to read your novel out loud as you’re editing, but especially do this with your opening as it’s a crucial stretch as the reader eases themselves into your story.

Here’s my redline:

TITLE: Surfing On The Edge Of Creation
GENRE: Science Fiction

The surfer, clad in a red metallic body mesh, guided his robotic surf board through the chum that rose with the a big wave as it neared the beach. The lights on one side of the board‘s lights flashed wildly as it altered its course,. and The surfer crouched on the board [Use shorter sentences to build anticipation, and it goes without saying the surfer is crouching on the board].

¶Suddenly, from inside the wave a great white shark leapt for the surfer. In response, the surfer He raised his left arm to avoid the shark [Confused how raising an arm would help him “avoid” the shark] while the board maneuvered under the wave’s crest to maximize the distance from escape the shark. A few of shark’s teeth contacted the material covering the surfer’s body and broke as they slid across the material guarding his forearm, and in the same motion. The surfer used his right hand to pushed up under the shark as it sailed over, to creating the appearance that he’d thrown it the shark over his head [The original sentence feels like a very convoluted way of describing a shark biting his arm and escaping]. The surfer rode the wave into shore without further incidents [unless you specify another incident the reader is going to assume there wasn’t one], and the crowd cheered as he emerged from the surf.

Pulling back from the image On the beach club deck’s big screen in the twilight [“Pulling back from the image” is confusing], the MC turned from the screen, looked out over the crowd, and said, “For that awesome show of keeping his cool as the king of predators missed him by inches, and for wowing us with some most excellent moves in while avoiding becoming dinner, we give this year’s trophy the winner of the 2043 South African Open Extreme Shark Surfing Competition is Athuhv Leander Chaska Clemens, the 2043 winner of the South African Open Extreme Shark Surfing Competition!”

Thanks again to Chris Qualls!

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Art: The Wave by Albert Bierstadt