Infuse your opening with personality (Page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to metalsatsuma12, whose page is below.

Title: Pelligri and The Sunflower Master
Genre: Fantasy

First 250 words:

The cliff drew him like a lover. Pelligri whistled; the shrill echo knocked down the chasm causing rocks to crash below into hard stone. His ears rang and his face shone with a grin through wrapping fog. The chittering of night birds gusted back upwards toward him. It felt like home, as if the winds wrapped him in old songs. Warm and inviting him into its depth, desiring to enfold him forever. Part of him wanted to jump in and feel the embrace.

“You act as if you don’t fear the Shadowdeep.” He heard Alastor whisper words, misting the back of his neck.

He startled. Alastor’s stealth no longer shocked him into leaping out of his skin, but it still caught him off guard. Composing himself, he replied, “Afraid? I can’t see anything.”

Alastor released a snort in response, a heady sound as if made from a horse’s nostril. “Blind or not, have sense boy. You know what this place is, rotted darkness on the brightest day.”

“Not that I could tell,” Pelligri sighed. He knew the words were childish, not appropriate for his sixteen years, but with the dejection he felt, they poured out of his mouth like wasted wine.

“That’ll be changed soon and you know it!” Alastor snapped.

Pelligri swallowed. His master’s words stung and he remembered why they’d come. “You don’t have to do this, Master Alastor,” Pelligri pleaded, his voice weighed with guilt.

This first page is in pretty good shape!

I like the precise physical details that help us picture where we are and there are clever, evocative turns of phrases like “wrapped him in old songs” and “misting the back of his neck.” The dialogue is infused with a good amount of personality, and both the setting and Alastor’s ability to sneak up on people adds a measure of intrigue and mystery.

If I had to quibble, there are a few lines I stumbled over, a few places where I think a tad more specificity would help us better understand these characters, and a few places where more active verbs might streamline sentences.

Lastly, opinions vary on this, but I personally believe that it’s best to stick to “said” and “asked for dialogue tags unless absolutely necessary. Whether a character sighs, snaps, or pleads should be apparent from the dialogue, context, and gestures, rather than relying too heavily on the dialogue tags.

“Said” and “asked” are kind of like the word “the.” Your reader won’t notice the repetition.

Here’s my redline.

Title: Pelligri and The Sunflower Master
Genre: Fantasy

First 250 words:

The cliff drew him like a lover. Pelligri whistled; the shrill echo knocked down the chasm causing rocks to crash below into hard stone. His ears rang and his face shone with a grin through wrapping fog [I think you separately capture the sounds, I’d keep the focus on his face here]. The chittering of night birds gusted back upwards toward him.

¶It felt like home, as if the winds wrapped him in old songs. Warm and inviting him into its depth [I stumbled on the “its” here because I thought this sentence was still referring to the winds, but when I got to depth I had to readjust and I think it’s actually about the canyon? Try to clarify], desiring to enfold him forever. Part of him wanted to jump in and feel the embrace.

“You act as if you don’t fear the Shadowdeep,” He heard Alastor whispered words, misting the back of his neck.

He startled [I’d be more precise with this description. What does Pelligri look like when he startles? It will show more character/personality]. Alastor’s stealth no longer shocked him into leaping out of his skin, but it still caught him off guard. Composing himself, he replied, “Afraid? I can’t see anything.”

Alastor released a snorted in response, a heady sound as if made from a horse’s nostril. “Blind or not, have sense boy. You know what this place is, rotted darkness on the brightest day.”

“Not that I could tell,” Pelligri sighed. He knew the words were too childish, not appropriate for his sixteen years, but with the dejection he felt, they poured out of his mouth like wasted wine. [Another sentence that I stumbled over, suggesting a streamline].

“That’ll be changed soon and you know it!” Alastor snapped.

Pelligri swallowed. His master’s words stung and he remembered why they’d come. “You don’t have to do this, Master Alastor,” Pelligri said pleaded, his voice weighed with guilt.

Thanks again to metalsatsuma12!

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Art: The Cliffs of the Island of Møn by Louis Gurlitt