It’s Monday, which means it’s time for our regular feature: WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED ON LOST IT’S EVERYTHING I CAN DO TO AVOID A SPOILER RIGHT NOW MONDAYS!!! Oh. I mean Page Critique Monday. Which will occasionally be Query Critique Monday, One Sentence/One Paragraph/Two Paragraph Pitch Critique Monday, Synopsis Critique Monday, and Insert Other Kind of Monday.
A reminder of the rules (please read before posting because the first eligible comment will get the critique):
1. The first person to enter a 250 word excerpt from the beginning of their novel in the comment section will win the critique. Please also tell us the title and genre.
2. I will update the post with the excerpt, unedited, so we can all read and form our opinions.
3. I will later update the post again with the excerpt now featuring my redlines, thoughts, comments, drawrings, emoticons, and assorted other marginalia (but really only redlines, thoughts, and comments)
4. Feel free to add your own two cents, but remember the sandwich method: positive, extremely polite constructive criticism (and I mean it), positive. I’ve decreed you need to read and heed this creed or I’ll proceed to make you bleed. Indeed.
To the island! Or whatever it was!
UPDATE #1: THE EXCERPT
Here is the page. I’ll be back later with my critique.
Secrets of the Moon Fox
Fantasy/Suspence
Arriving home, Liska noticed instantly, even before she got to the door, that someone was already inside. Living alone, and being mildly anti-social, this was neither expected nor desired. Now, was whoever was inside looking for Liska or ‘Anna’?
She analyzed the place silently. There was no outward proof to back up her suspicions. The door was still shut, and apparently locked, the windows were shaded just as she had left them, but instinct, deep animal instinct warned her. Her den had been invaded. But by whom and why?
A college dorm room is not known for being overly secure. This dorm, built in the same mold of a motel, was even less so. Absolutely anyone could walk onto the campus, pick or force the sub-standard lock, and waltz in. Yes, she was on the second floor, which made random break-ins a touch less likely, but it wasn’t impossible. This didn’t feel random, though.
It could be a thief or an attacker that was focused on her or her current ‘safe’ persona. If that was the case, it would be wise to have Liska ready, even if not immediately apparent. On the other hand, it could be something logical and harmless, like the RA doing an inspection or leaving a note; or maintenance or the bug exterminator she had been warned would come by sometimes. Those would definitely be ‘Anna’ visitors. It could be a family member waiting for her; to deliver a message, or test her. Or both.
UPDATE #2: THE CRITIQUE
Thanks so much to HJHarding for offering up the page for critique. This is the third page critique in a row that begins with an interesting setup! In this case a potential burglary-in-progress or some other mysterious visitor. There’s an immediate question that sucks in the reader (Who is in there?) and my curiosity was definitely piqued. It also seems like there may be some sort of dual-identity thing going on, which I’d be curious to learn more about.
That said, I’m afraid I had a few concerns, which break down into three broad categories:
1) Building suspense/interest
As mentioned, this setup has a lot of potential: someone might be in this person’s home (or den… or dorm… more on that in a minute). And yet that’s basically all we learn about what’s actually happening. The rest of the page passes as the protagonist spends three paragraphs standing in place, idly wondering what is happening and running through a list of hypothetical possibilities.
There are no more clues even about how the protagonist knows or senses that someone is inside, so instead of learning more detail about the world or the character or the predicament, we have a character thinking, essentially: this could be dangerous or it could be harmless, who could say really?
Yes, there’s surely more to come, but I wasn’t sure I understood what the protagonist knew or how they knew what they knew, nor was I clear what they really felt about whatever it was they knew or suspected. If the intent is to build suspense (it may not be, but seems to be here), it’s far more suspenseful if the protagonist is actually acting on their curiosity, investigating, and noticing key details rather than idly wondering about hypotheticals.
And a good (though of course oft-excepted) rule of thumb: in the absence of dramatic irony, if the protagonist isn’t scared your reader probably isn’t going to be scared.
2) Specificity of Detail
It’s very important to keep in mind that just about every noun has a default mental image associated with it, and it’s one reason why it’s important to be as precise as possible with descriptions. When we read that someone is wielding a gun, unless you specify otherwise we’re going to assume the the character holding it in their hand and not their feet. When we read the word office, we’re going to assume there’s a desk, a computer, and maybe some filing cabinets unless the writer specifies otherwise.
And in this case, when the author says someone arrives at “home,” maybe it’s just me but I’m picturing a house without any clarifying detail. I don’t even live in a house and I still picture a house. But then it’s referred to as a “den,” and coming after the phrase “deep animal instinct,” I thought okay, this is an animal and they’re arriving back at their den. Then we get to “dorm,” and I had to revise my mental image a third time.
It’s a jarring experience for the reader to have to continually revise their mental image of a setting, and it doesn’t establish trust that the reader is in sure hands. In this case, the first line could have very easily specified that Liska was arriving back at her dorm room and we would have been on solid footing, since it’s specific. Then when we got to “den” we’d be more likely to read it as I suspect the author intends – that this character is part animal or has animal-like tendencies. But even then it’s important to clue the reader in that the character is literally thinking like an animal, and reinforce that interpretation as much as possible because it’s probably not the first place the reader’s mind is going to go.
3) Flow
I thought there were some interesting stylistic touches, but I’m afraid these paragraphs never quite got into a flow for me. Part of this was due to several tense inconsistencies, and there were also some sentences that felt broken off before their natural completion. I wasn’t feeling like one sentence was leading naturally to the next.
Also, I felt like some of the details were vague when they could have been more specific, and as a result I had some trouble unpacking the last paragraph on the page especially. For instance, is her entire family really prone to/capable of breaking into her dorm room or is there one or two specific family members that she’d be worried about?
REDLINE
Secrets of the Moon Fox
Fantasy/Suspence
Arriving home, Liska noticed instantly, even before she got to the door, that someone was already inside. Living alone, and being mildly anti-social, this was neither expected nor desired. Passive voice/fragment. It also feels a bit languid if we’re supposed to get the sense that she’s nervous – she just seems mildly bothered. (this might be the intent) Now, was whoever was inside looking for Liska or ‘Anna’? I am not anti-rhetorical questions in novels themselves. But I found this one a little jarring.
She analyzed the place silently “The place” feels a bit vague to me. Is there something in particular she’s looking at to help ground us?. There was no outward proof to back up her suspicions. The door was still shut, and apparently locked “apparently” locked? How can she tell?, the windows were shaded just as she had left them, but instinct, deep animal instinct warned her I’m afraid the repetition of “instinct, deep animal instinct” didn’t quite work for me. Her den had been invaded. But by whom and why?
A college dorm room is not known for being overly secure Aren’t they?. This dorm, built in the same mold of a motel, was even less so. Absolutely anyone could have walked onto the campus, picked or forced the sub-standard lock, and waltzed in. Yes, she was on the second floor, which made random break-ins a touch less likely, but it wasn’t impossible. This didn’t feel random, though I think this would read better without the “though”.
It could have been a thief or an attacker that was focused on her “that was focused on her” reads awkwardly – don’t think you need “that was”, and “focused” seems vague. What does “focused on” mean? Are they targeting her? Investigating her? Hunting her? or her current ‘safe’ persona. If that was were the case, it would have been wise to have Liska ready, even if not immediately apparent I’m not sure what “if not immediately apparent” means. On the other hand, it could have been something logical and harmless, like the RA doing an inspection or leaving a note; or maintenance or the bug exterminator she had been warned would come by sometimes. Those would definitely have been ‘Anna’ visitors. It could have been a family member waiting for her; to deliver a message, or test her. Or both.
reader says
I like it that the character seems thoughtful; I have a tendency to like literary fiction for this reason. For fantasy/suspense, though, I'm not sure if it drags it down a little too much(?)
Too many "ly" verbs; instantly, midly, silently,etc.. — but those are easily fixable, it's just a matter of a read through.
A mix up of tenses too. "She analyzed" and "a college room is not known for…" pick a tense and stick with it. Should read "a college room WAS not known for…"
Love the title. Good luck.
Tessa says
Congratulations HJHarding! I think you have a good start here. I really like the situation you open with, and I would definitely keep reading.
Here are my thoughts:
The story opens with a good, tense situation – a possible intruder. But the backstory clogs some of the immediacy of what's going on.
1. In paragraph one, using the word "noticed" contradicts paragraph two's "there was no outward proof."
Also, I think the fact that Liska lives alone is implied by her sensing an intruder and doesn't need to be explained.
Finally, the sentence "was whoever was inside looking for Liska or 'Anna'" is a bit clunky, and maybe the idea of her double persona could be better represented by a visual cue, like seeing "Anna" written on Liska's dorm door.
2. This paragraph is the best at tackling the situation. Along with what she sees, I would like to hear what she does about it.
3. Paragraphs three and four spend a lot of time describing how a dorm works with phrases like "sub-standard lock" and "RA doing an inspection." I think all of that information can be conveyed just by saying the word "dorm" because most people have either lived in one or seen them on TV or in movies.
4. The really important info in paragraphs three and four is that the intruder isn't random, Anna is the safe persona while Liska is the dangerous one, and her family knows what she is and provides tests for her.
However, the last part seems like it might be better suited for later in the story as it doesn't really apply to the intruder situation (unless, of course, the intruder is a family member). Also, the idea that the intruder isn't random is covered in Liska's earlier use of the word "invaded." The word sounds sinister and leads the reader to assume the opening event isn't the result of a chance break-in.
Possible edits:
Even before she got to the door, Liska sensed someone was already inside. Her dorm door marked "Anna" was still shut, the windows shaded just as she had left them, but deep animal instinct warned her: her home had been invaded.
…and then maybe start in on how the Liska persona gets ready for a confrontation with a possible internal thought about her trying to do so in a way that would protect Anna's identity.
The Dawdling Inscriber says
@ AL OOO! I'm very intrigued! I love the instant spark between the two characters
Jessica Peter says
I don't have a critique just yet as I only have a minute, but 'Anna' sounds to me not like an alternate personality or shapeshifter-other-self, but a name Liska is using to hide under. Even though it's fantasy, I wonder if she has been victimized in the past or is hiding from SOMEONE. Though I would also like some clarity on how she knows someone is there though!
John C says
LOL@ all the near-simultaneous entries.
It's all about who can type in the word verification the fastest. 😀
treeoflife says
I'm going to wait to see what Nathan says on the winner, but I just wanted to quickly add another shout out to Naughty Gnomes.
I normally would convulse at the thought of romantic comedy, but I smiled from the moment I read the title until I finished the excerpt. And only stopped smiling because there was no more.
lexcade says
dangit. i'm always asleep when you post this. curse my night job!
Call my Fizzy, I like things that go "Pop!" or "Kapow!" says
Comments on the piece
Arriving home, Liska noticed instantly, even before she got to the door, that someone was already inside.
(Inverted syntax removes the immediacy. And how did she know before getting to the door that someone was inside? Try: Liska noticed instantly that someone was already inside her home. It’s simpler, but it cuts to the point.)
Living alone, and being mildly anti-social, this was neither expected nor desired. Now, was whoever was inside looking for Liska or ‘Anna’?
(I think anyone would be concerned that someone was inside their house without their knowledge, anti-social or not. The phrase “Now, was whoever…Anna” is awkward. Try: Was someone inside looking for her?)
She analyzed the place silently. There was no outward proof to back up her suspicions. The door was still shut, and apparently locked, the windows were shaded just as she had left them, but instinct, deep animal instinct warned her. Her den had been invaded. But by whom and why?
(Outward proof – redundant. I still am failing to see what makes her suspicious. As a reader, I want more than just instinct)
A college dorm room is not known for being overly secure. This dorm, built in the same mold of a motel, was even less so. Absolutely anyone could walk onto the campus, pick or force the sub-standard lock, and waltz in. Yes, she was on the second floor, which made random break-ins a touch less likely, but it wasn’t impossible. This didn’t feel random, though.
(I thought security on college campuses are actually pretty secure. Maybe clarify by saying that it’s state school, or not well funded? Also, up until now I had been picturing a home home, not a dorm. And why didn’t it feel random?)
It could be a thief or an attacker that was focused on her or her current ‘safe’ persona. If that was the case, it would be wise to have Liska ready, even if not immediately apparent. On the other hand, it could be something logical and harmless, like the RA doing an inspection or leaving a note; or maintenance or the bug exterminator she had been warned would come by sometimes. Those would definitely be ‘Anna’ visitors. It could be a family member waiting for her; to deliver a message, or test her. Or both.
(This is where we get to the meat, and it has the potential to be very tasty meat. I don't see the plot being used to full effect, though. The character has a dual identity (I think?) which would account for some of the suspicion. I would drop some light hints earlier to that effect (more than “Liska or ‘Anna”, allowing the reader to have a bit more to grasp at.)
Call my Fizzy, I like things that go "Pop!" or "Kapow!" says
I'd like to add that I think I failed in the positivity part, not because there is nothing positive, but because I went into edit mode and got caught up and clicked send. I apologize. =( So I'd like to add the things I thought were really successful about this, and hope it's OK its in a later post. First, I thing opening in the action is a great way to start. I wanted to know if/who was in the apartment and why. The immediacy of those questions are directly linked to what I imagine the plot will surround: her dual identities and the people who are after her for X reason. I could be wrong, but even so, they hint at conflict which keeps the reader going. Nice way to open the scene. Also, I like the differentiation between Anna visitors and Liska visitors. Separating their identities makes her a more intriguing character overall.
Again, so sorry for leaving out the fun stuff. =/
treeoflife says
Thanks HJHarding for submitting your excerpt for comment.
I did like the suspenseful beginning, as it had an immediate hook. You had my attention right away.
I was confused by the switch between home, den, and dorm, and had to adjust my mental image twice… I also wondered how she could instantly notice someone was inside her dorm room, even with no signs. I've been in a dorm, and it's basically a row of doors that look the same. If they're all closed, there's nothing more to see. I appreciate animal instincts and all, but instincts have to be about picking up subtle clues, not some 6th sense, or 'the force' equivalent.
The other thing that lost me was the term RA. What's an RA? I had to pause there to think about it. I assume it's someone who works in the dorm, but I'm not familiar with what the initials stand for.
Josin L. McQuein says
treeoflife –
RA= Resident advisor. Someone who shouldn't be sneaking into rooms without permission, btw, which was another moment of pause for me. The MC is far too calm over the prospect of her RA waltzing in and out of her room
Anonymous says
I LOVE this segment!
And isn't it killer sitting on your LOST hands, Nathan!!!
Great job and bravery, HJHarding! I can't imagine the showdown when this posted -Woa Nellie!Fastest gun in the west wins!
Okay, ditto for all of Nathan's remarks along with loving the suspense and agreeing with the edits. Additionally, I would describe what RA means. Not all your readers will understand abbreviations.
(By the way, Nathan, please talk to us about agent/editor editing programs so we can be up to speed on how to run with them. On this segment (and in the forums) your format makes everything so clear, but is it different in the real world of editing/critiques?)
Kate says
Congrats to the winner!
I'm immediately interested to learn what the mystery is here. However, I think the writer misses some opportunities to flesh out the story/setting/character due to telling and not showing. For example, I'd much prefer to discover how and why the MC is 'anti-social' rather than have it spelled out. For example, Austen doesn't tell us Lizzy is witty but it's obvious the first time she opens her mouth.
Also, I'm not sure that starting the first sentence of the novel with a clause is the strongest way to begin ("Arriving home,…")
"Liska noticed that someone was already inside her room, even before she got to the door." Or something like that.
We get the suspense issue right away, since that is the most interesting part, not that the MC is "arriving home."
I really liked that the opening has tension, as opposed to more cliche beginnings: dreaming, showering, blah blah. Good job!
Jil says
I don't have time for the whole thing but thank you HJ Harding, your story did intrigue me and from the title containing" Moon Fox" the word den, and it being her safe place etc, seem appropriate. I see Anna, standing on the thresh hold, one paw raised, scenting a stranger.(although I know she's a girl at the moment}
I saw nothing wrong with the present tense describing how secure the dorm environment "always" is. I understand the "mold of a motel room" well enough. Aren't they all more or less the same= so I see your room.
I want to know who or what Liska is. Sorry I don't have time for the smaller things right now.
Thank you!
Emily Cross says
Congrats HJHarding.
@ sea – Mon Dieu! I want to read your book (and i'm not a romcom fan at all!)
Heidi J. Johns says
Congrats, HJ on getting on here first this week. I hope you find that the comments are helpful and that you are able to take away things that will strengthen your writing.
I think your premise is great. Liska and her other person arrive home and finds "their" dorm has been invaded. This would be a scary situation for most, but I didn't get the sense that she was scared. She seemed to just analyze what had happened. This tells me that she doesn't really care, that maybe she is just annoyed, or that she and her alter ego? Anna can handle whatever comes next.
(You do start out your first two sentences in the same way, and your rhetorical question uses "was" twice (not incorrectly, just twice). These can both be solved as you revise and tighten your writing.)
I also like your setting. Just the words college dorm conjures up a specific atmosphere. I would like the setting mentioned at the outset. And since dorms are usually lively places at all hours, what is going on around her? What time is she getting home?
When you say "analyzed the place silently," I'm already inside. Should I be? I don't think so, because even by the 4th paragraph, I'm pretty sure Liska is still outside. Maybe say, "analyzed the still shut and locked door"? Or "screened the…."
The third paragraph seems just extra and unnecessary. The needed information could be inserted elsewhere as you are revising and tightening.
Then, the last paragraph picks up the intrigue again. However, the writing is a little confusing. You say, "…her or her current 'safe' persona." Are they the same? Are they both Liska or both Anna? You also end with, "…or both." Does that refer to the family members who both test and deliver messages? Does it mean the visitor could be both an Anna visitor and a Liska visitor?
You have succeeded in a short bit to raise questions that keep the reader wanting to read. For example, I do like that there are Anna visitors and Liska visitors. Which one will she find inside? We will have to wait and see.
Well done! Thanks for being brave and posting this!
J. T. Shea says
Interesting that Nathan and other commenters took it Liska stood outside, examining the place. I took it that she entered her room from an internal second floor corridor. Presumably it's a second floor motel-style external deck access instead?
I took 'deep animal instinct' as a clue to how Liska senses someone inside, further suggesting an animal alter-ego (A Moon Fox?).
I did quickly take the descriptions 'home' and 'den' and 'dorm' to refer to Liska's dorm room, 'den' possibly a metaphorically reference to her animal persona. There may be a thin line between intriquing and confusing, but I found the references intriguing, particular this close to the start of a novel.
I agree regarding the way various clauses chop up the flow.
Once again, I respectfully disagree with Nathan and other commenters regarding tense inconsistencies. I assume they are referring to the rhetorical questions Liska addresses to herself and her thoughts in the third and fourth paragraphs. The author could have put Liska's internal musings in quotation marks, italics, or the pluperfect tense, but that would not have improved the piece, in my opinion.
'A college dorm is not know for being overly secure.' is a statement about college dorms in general, before, during and after the time of the scene. 'A college dorm WAS not known for being overly secure.' sounds awkward to me.
Nathan's change of 'Absolutely anyone could walk onto the campus, pick or force the sub-standard lock, and waltz in.' to 'Absolutely anyone could HAVE walkED onto the campus, pickED or forceD the sub-standard lock, and waltzED in.' works fine, but not better than the original, I think.
But Nathan's pluperfect rewrite of paragraph four ruins it for me, and disturbs me greatly, since I have the highest regard for his judgment in just about every other matter. Polymath's interesting Forum thoughts on Free Indirect Discourse may be relevant here.
Al Teter says
Congrats to HJ. It's certainly got me interested in reading more.
And to Dawdling Inscriber, thanks. You're first 250 has me wondering what comes next…
Jenny says
HJHarding–way to type it out!
I am also in the camp of 'more action' and when I say that I don't mean blood, gore, fight scene kinda action. Liska has to do something.
And I'm going to go out on a limb here, and guess Liska/Anna is a fox of some sort. (Whether a 'were' creature or a spiritual tie-in to that particular animal or something else that you explain later in the story) If that's the case, you've got your 'in' for describing how she knows something's up–a smell, a shift in the air. Some kind of sensitivity.
The narration states that "deep animal instinct" is the way Liska/Anna is figuring out there's something off about her home. The action that I'd like to see, as a reader, is that instinct being used. Not 'analyzed', but 'sniffed'. (Or whatever sense you choose as a writer to bear the brunt of the information-loading.)
You also use two tenses to describe the situation, which left me a little muddled. In the first paragraph, the narration is that there's someone inside right now, at this moment. In the second paragraph it switches to 'had been invaded' indicating that the invader has left and she's sensing the remnants of his presence. The problem with tense switches is that you lose the immediacy of the situation, and therefore tension dissipates as well.
Here's the good stuff: the character is established as special right off the bat, a potentially action-packed scene has been introduced with just enough information to get us to root for the college coed defending her space, and you've also set up that her world is very different from ours.
And I also caught that her family might be a little 'off' as well. Test her? Hmmm….very interesting.
I'd also like to add that my word verification for this is 'ferret'a, which made me giggle. And I'd also like to apologize if I have repeated anyone else's comments, I haven't read those or Nathan's yet.
J. T. Shea says
Jenny's analysis is interesting. She interprets the second chapter as indicating the intruder has already left. I assumed Liska believed the intruder was still inside somewhere. Believing the intruder to have already been and gone would justify Nathan's pluperfect rewrite. No doubt H. J Harding will clarify the matter, something we would easily do for ourselves if we had more than 250 words.
Maya says
I'm also a little confused about Nathan's change in tense for the last paragraph. I understand that we are reading 3rd person past tense. But in the phrase "If that was the case, it would be wise" we are indicating the future. So do we have to switch to pluperfect or is simple future tense OK? Nathan, I wonder if you can give us an explanation for your tense choice.
Bryan Russell (Ink) says
I think the tense issue is muddled because of a lack of clarity in the writing, particularly in regards to what many of the sentences are referring to. Is the narrator referring to the point in the near past when someone was actively breaking into the room? Or the break in as something active and ongoing, at that moment? And then it's further muddled by the introduction of hypotheticals, which are phrased in a way that they may be referring specifically to this case or they may be referring to possibilities in a general sense (as in, "such dorm rooms are often susceptible to such invasions as blah blah blah"). It makes it difficult to determine intention.
And it's not really clear that this is Free Indirect or simply a sort of chatty narrative voice. Maybe both? Maybe the transitions could be smoothed, but it's hard to say in a small sample size.
I like the idea of the opening, the hook of the dual character, the subtlety of the home invasion, but I struggle with the vagueness. Vague idea of instinct (animal instincts are not magical abilities based on nothing, but merely acute sensory perceptions that humans either don't have or ignore) and vague description. I think the scene could be framed a little clearer. The images should follow sensory perception: we see from large to small. We absorb the big picture first, and then narrow in on details. Here we have details first, and the big picture later, which makes it difficult to visualize. Either we're left with a vague, incomplete vision of the event, or we make something up and then have to go back and edit each time the big picture details are provided later on (which breaks the dream-like vision of the story).
Big to little. Motel dorm and the world around it, door, details that set off suspicion… (though, of course, that's more of a guideline than a rule, in the words of Captain Barbosa. Boo Yah for the Pirate's Code).
Anyway, it seems an intriguing set-up for a story. Two strong tensions resonating in the first 250 words is a good sign.
Nathan Bransford says
maya-
To me, if it's the past it's the past. The only time the reader is really going to notice the tense is if it's inconsistent. But someone else may feel differently.
Melissa says
Sea- "Naughty Gnomes"…Love the title and look forward to reading more.
HJHarding- Congratulations on the fast submission and thank you for being willing to let us all read and comment on it.
I was intrigued by the Liska/Anna. It made me interested in finding out more about the animal side in particular.
The use of "home" in the first sentence had me picturing a house. When I realized she was dealing with a dorm room, I was wondering why it was taking so long to examine it. The motel reference helped to visualize the arrangement but it came after I had already been picturing a completely different set-up (even after I changed the image in my mind from a house to a dorm.) I liked Tessa's suggestions for that part of the rewrite.
Your last paragraph piqued my curiosity as to what type of message or tests some of her family members might have for her. Sounds like a very interesting story.
Nathan- These page critiques are so helpful! Thank you for sharing your insight with all of us.
The Zuccini says
Liska sensed even before she reached the door that someone was inside her dorm room. The door was locked and the windows shaded just as she had left them, but deep animal instinct warned her.
This was the "showing" I found in the piece. While I love the premise, I think there is too much telling and all action is halted. You can add details like being on the second floor, by slowing things down. Have her get out of her car, climb the stairs- tons of opportunity to show us the dorm isn't very secure. I think having her know something is wrong from the parking lot is great way to clarify for the reader that this is more than a gut feeling.
The description of the dorm bothers me. I'm not able to form an image of the building you describe and I'm kind of hung up on that even now.
I suspect the animal instinct is a clue to the reader that she's a wolf??? I'd really like to see that developed more.
Thanks for sharing
J. T. Shea says
More interesting comments. There seems to be a consensus that Liska entered her room and believed an intruder had been there and gone. My guess now is that she is still standing outside at the end of the 250 words and believes the intruder is still inside!
Elle Blessingway says
Page Critique Monday … these are REALLY helpful. Thanks to those who keep offering up their pages, and thanks, Nathan, for taking the time to do this!
Picking up on flow, pacing, tense, voice, etc. is a learned skill. These critiques definitely help point us to the places we should be looking to evaluate our own work.
Thanks!!
HJHarding says
To clarify a few things. In the segment given, she has not yet gone in the room, nor has whoever is inside left. The emotion came about a paragraph or two after this (she's more annoyed than afraid). The rattling through of possibilities is in her head. She does have some animal senses and mind set, but not wolf. Her family is very odd, and she is brought up in that mind set. The dorm is actually based on a dorm I lived in because of accessibility. She also sniffs around to discover who's there in the next page or two. Does that help a few things?
J. T. Shea says
I was right! Well, ok, I was wrong the first time, but right the second time. You certainly got our attention, H. J.!
Maya says
Thanks Nathan. These critiques have been really helpful because you notice things that I don't.
Also, thanks to J.T. Shea for the tense discussion counterpoint!
Jenny says
HJ-thanks for clarifying. I was pretty sure that whoever was in there remained in there…the comment was more towards how tense change can switch up an interpretation.
And I think your clarification also points out the benefit of this exercise–right here, in the opening, is where we should see her sniffing, and hearing her being annoyed, not a page or two later. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but I think that's an important point that I'm going to take away from this exercise for myself. My hat is off to you for being brave enough to put your opening page out there!
The great part of your opening is that it's all there now, just needs some sprucing. We're getting the supernatural animalistic hints through your subtle descriptions (I liked 'den' because it's a nudge toward the animals). I definitely got that her family would play a big part in your story and that something was about to go down.
Nathan Bransford says
jt-
The tense has to be consistent. If it's the character thinking in the moment that needs to be indicated. Tenses being consistent is sort of like putting a period at the end of every sentence. You gotta do it. If it doesn't read well by changing the tense you don't leave the tense inconsistency in, you change the paragraph to work in the tense.
Tahereh says
these critiques you do — the time you take to analyze each line — your feedback?
this is priceless.
a million thanks.
Claudie says
I am in complete agreement with Tahereh here. I learn so much just from the way you look at things. It's amazing.
J. T. Shea says
Nathan, I agree regarding tense consistency, but I believe the page was consistent in tense, given the intruder was still inside the room and Liska was thinking about ongoing events. It seemed obvious to me that Liska was thinking in the moment, therefore I do not believe it needed any further indication in this particular page. Using the pluperfect tense in the last paragraph would be inconsistent unless the intruder was gone. I am far from infallible, and I have the greatest of respect for your professional expertise, but I believe I am correct in this particular matter.
Sea says
Hey, just wanted to say a big thanks to Emily, Patty, Treeoflife and Melissa for your encouraging words about my excerpt for Naughty Gnomes.
I'm within a few months of sending out my first queries ever so it is very much appreciated. Thanks 🙂
Treeoflife, yours especially made me smile. I'm glad I didn't make you convulse 🙂
swampfox says
HJHarding, good job. With the revisions Nathan suggested, this sounds like the start of a great story.
Dorothy Dreyer says
Nathan, you're such a superhero for showing us how an agent thinks when he/she reads a submission. This is tremendous help. Thanks!
MaryAnn says
Nathan, should books be written in the present tense or past tense?
Is there a preference?
Leis says
HJ, I'd started to make some notes, but reading Nathan's critique, it's already covered.
Such feedback as can be found here is truly priceless. I'm sure it will go a long way toward helping you fine tune this work. The premise — judging from the brief excerpt — is certainly promising. Good luck with it!
abc says
Nathan, I concur with all the sentiments that this exercise is the GREATEST THING EVER. I learn so much.
And Josin, I hope you can make it first soon. I really like those 250 words of yours.
HJHarding: Thanks for sharing this. I don't have much to add to Nathan and the other's comments. It did make me curious to learn more, but I agree that there is a lot of telling and not showing. And the flow just feels off.
Great title!
Anonymous says
Testing Submishion 1
Anonymous says
The Wishing Well
Fiction/Young Adult
Bragzdon Hills is a small village in the center of a large forest that is surrounded by mountains. It is spring their and the mountaintops are still snowcapped. You can hear the birds singing and watch baby does leaping through open poppy fields. On the outer rim of the woods, just below one of the surrounding mountains, stood a small cottage. In this little house lived three kind fellow villagers. This is where our story begins.
As the sun rose over the peek of the mountaintop, one of it’s raze poked through Isabella’s window, sharing its warmth with her. Isabella was always dreaming of being a noble ruling over a small kingdom, where lived the most kind, and happy people around. She dreamed of, gowns, social events, jewels and of cores prince charming.
The sun moved higher into the sky causing the beams of light to move around her room, when the light hit her mirror it caused a shocking glare in her eyes, waking Isabella from her daydream. She rubbed her eyes, than she started combing her beautiful curly blonde hair. Isabella was a very beautiful girl, she has milky white skin that is as soft as a peach, a long slinky body, and clear blue eyes, the type of eyes that are mesmerizing. Isabella gracefully got up and walked to the door. When she opened it, the familiar creak from her door announced her appearance into where her parents were. Her mother Catherine was cooking breakfast in the kitchen and her father Thomas was making notes as he read the town scroll, he was gathering information of when the market would open, and what was going to be sold that day.
Linda K. Wandvik
ryan field says
Love the way you edited this.
Mira says
As an aside – Al Teter, I liked your paragraph. 🙂
So, I love fantasy, and this is bunches of fun. We need good adult fantasy writers – so bravo fo you, HJHarding! 🙂
And Nathan's critique was wonderful. Nathan – I truly appreciate how much effort you put into these critiques. They are so thorough – thank you so much!
So, I completely agree with Nathan's critique, and don't really have much to add, except maybe alittle about the suspense/tension building part…..
First, I like the set-up and the interesting idea of dual personalities. I sense that there is a very fun story here. However, I noticed that the story doesn't grip me enotionally – and it should. Someone inside the house – that's a big deal.
If you could convey more emotion here – what does Liska/Anna feel about someone being inside. Is she scared? Why? Is she not scared? Why not?
There's a detached quality to this that may be intentional, in which case, I'd bring it out even more strongly. She yawned. She checked her fingernails. "This is the last thing I wanted to deal with tonight. What a pain." You can convey emotion through internal dialogue, or through body actions, or through the setting – an owl hooted. A cat brushed through the undergrowth. Either way, what does Anna/Liska feel – or not feel – standing there in front of her door with someone inside her house?
Let me know. 🙂 This sounds like a good story – I'm really curious to find out who was inside the house and what they wanted! 🙂
Josin L. McQuein says
Thanks abc 🙂
Owldreamer says
Good premise,potential for exciting dramatic conflict. Suggest reading out loud and seeing where you can add a bit more drama. I think she would be more cautious and dorm rooms are usually pretty secure. Visitors have to sign in to visit. Or is it your plan to have the intruder be an employee or a resident?
Owldreamer says
I posted a page from my novel Return In Snow,a romance suspense novel for critique Monday next week and I think the computer gremlin may have diverted it to cyber space or I posted it too early or in the wrong place. Pamala Owldreamer. pam_owldreamer@hotmail.com
Al Teter says
@ Mira, thanks! :o)
Mel says
Hallo Nathan
I was very interested in your editing of the critique posted on Monday, but which for some unknown reason crosses the Atlantic a day or so later.
As a ghostwriter, I am constantly 'debating' with clients whether the past or present should be used, yet a simple device could help. If it was important to the story to have the protagonist cogitate in the way she did, putting some sentences in italics would allow her to do so without using 'could/would have' plus the past participle.
More thorny for me is the issue of when to use commas in dialogue, and also should one use the verb before the subject?
For example, many writers now use this format, which my clients sometimes insist on but which makes me uncomfortable.
'If I don't get my own way, there'll be hell to pay,' said the bearded man.
'You can do nothing. He will kill you,' replied his wife.
For me, the bearded man finished the sentence so there should be a period (full-stop) after the word 'pay'. Furthermore, I was taught that the subject should come before the verb. In normal speech we don't say 'said the man'in any situation. We always say 'the man said'. So I would write that piece of dialogue as below.
'If I don't get my own way, there'll be hell to pay.' The bearded man said.
'You can do nothing. He will kill you.' His wife replied.
It is only if the format is reversed that I feel better about the comma. As in:-
The bearded man said,'If I don't get my own way, there'll be hell to pay.'
His wife replied,'You can do nothing. He will kill you.'
What do you and the readers think?
Thanks a lot.