If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to VFarhat, whose query is below.
Hi ********,
We met at the Palestine Writes Festival at Penn on Sept. 23 where you were gracious enough to allow me to query you directly with my manuscript, THE GUARDIAN’S MARK, an 85,000-word, dual POV commercial thriller. I am sending you the first 50-odd pages for your consideration.
While the novel is plot driven, the protagonist, MARIAM KHOURI, is a product of her rich, blended, second-generation, Arab-American culture, which is heavily influenced by her time in the Levant region. She’s an archaeologist whose peaceful academic life is thrown into peril, while interning at the ruins in Dura Europos, Syria, where she’s told she now guards a secret passed down from Moses, is given a protective tattoo, and must flee with a professional soldier. The scientist in her cannot believe this myth or understand why so many people are pursuing her in order to possess it. But can the professional soldier be trusted? At every turn, someone is one step ahead.
ADAM JAMESON’s mission is simple—protect Miriam and discover what she’s guarding. But this assignment has him slipping out of his detached military demeanor and questioning the political and cultural presumptions that have fueled his career.
Together they run from black-market antiquity dealers, religious factions, and powerful governments, all of whom presume the secret she’s guarding is a religious relic. The journey is life-threatening for him and transforms her from an agnostic academic to a believer in the divine.
This manuscript has won all three contests I’ve entered it in and just finaled in the League of Romance Writers 2024 Emily for mainstream fiction with romantic elements. The winner is to be announced in March 2024. It’s action/thriller plot appeals to fans of Daniel Silva, Steve Berry and James Rollins, while the growing relationship between the main characters appeals to readers of romantic suspense.
I’m happy to make any changes to align with the current market. I hope to hear from you. Thank you for your consideration.
While this seems like an interesting plot and I’m intrigued by the setting, I found reading this query an extremely choppy and confusing experience. This feels more like a quickly dashed off rough draft than something even close to ready to send to a literary agent.
First, we don’t need a meta-summary of who a character is, which is invariably going to feel generic, immerse the agent in the story and provide context as you go. Don’t worry about spoilers and be very specific and precise about how the story unfolds.
In this case, I really struggled to understand what was happening entirely. What does Mariam actually discover? What power does it have and why are the antagonists after it? What happens if Mariam succeeds or fails? Too many crucial story elements are lost.
Also, even if you have a dual- or multi-POV story, it’s not necessary to mention that in a query unless an agent specifically asks for it, and I’d highly recommend avoiding changing gears mid-query to another character. It’s usually better to contextualize the plot from a more cohesive POV and draw upon that character’s voice to infuse the query with personality.
Lastly, I keep hearing from agents that good comp titles are more important than ever. If you’re going to include comps, I don’t recommend relying on authors whose breakout titles were published 20+ years ago. It’s fine to do a bit of mix and matching, but make sure at least one or two of your comps were published in the last 10 years (preferably the last 5).
Here’s my redline:
Hi ********,
We met at the Palestine Writes Festival at Penn on Sept. 23 where you were gracious enough to allow me to query you
directlywithmy manuscript,THE GUARDIAN’S MARK, an 85,000-word, dual POV[Unless the agent specifically asks for it we don’t need the POV] commercial thriller.I am sending you the first 50-odd pages for your consideration.[I tend to think the “nuts and bolts” work better at the end of the query]
While the novel is plot driven, the protagonist, MARIAM KHOURI[It’s not a convention to capitalize character names in query letters], is a product of her rich, blended, second-generation, Arab-American culture, which is heavily influenced by her time in the Levant region. [Flat and dry opening. Immerse us in the story instead]She’sMariam Khouri is an Arab American archaeologistwhose peaceful academic life is thrown into peril, while[Just show this] interning at the ruins in Dura Europos, Syria, where she’s told. [WHO TELLS HER] she now guards a secret passed down from Moses, [CONTEXT], is given a protective tattoo [Be more specific], and must flee [WHERE] with a professional soldier [TO DO WHAT/OR ELSE WHAT HAPPENS?]. The scientist in her cannotbelieve this myth orunderstand why so many people are pursuing her in order to possessit[WHAT SPECIFICALLY THEY WANT].But cCan theprofessionalsoldier be trusted? At every turn, someone is one step ahead.
ADAM JAMESON’s mission is simple—protect Miriam and discover what she’s guarding. But this assignment has him slipping out of his detached military demeanor and questioning the political and cultural presumptions that have fueled his career.[It’s awkward to change gears to another character, and I don’t know that this adds much as it’s so vague]
Together tThey run from black-market antiquity dealers, religious factions [Be more specific], and powerful governments [Be more specific], all of whom presume the secret she’s guarding is a religious relic.The journey is life-threatening for him and transforms her from an agnostic academic to a believer in the divine.[Too vague to be meaningful. Nail the last line of a plot description]This manuscript has won all three contests I’ve entered it in and just finaled in the League of Romance Writers 2024 Emily for mainstream fiction with romantic elements.
The winner is to be announced in March 2024.It’s action/thriller plotwill appealsto fans of Daniel Silva, Steve Berry and James Rollins [These comps feel outdated to me], while the growing relationship between the main characters appeals to readers of romantic suspense.
I’m happy to make any changes to align with the current market.[It goes without saying that authors will adopt changes to broadly align with an editors’ suggestions, and this citation of the market feels a tad cynical to me]I hope to hear from you.Thank you for your consideration.
Thanks again to VFarhat!
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Art: Horse market, Syria by Alberto Pasini
Neil Larkins says
Unjumbling reveals a decent story. The author should take take into consideration that their novel is like this, possibly more so.
A great service you’re providing for us, Nathan.
Thanks