If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to LaKikine, whose query is below.
Dear x,
I am thrilled to share with you HUMAN NATURE, my multiple POV, 90,000 words upmarket sci-fi romance about soulmates that explores self-realization, identity and belonging. It will appeal to fans of Becky Chambers’ accessible science-fiction, with higher stakes and a sweeping, forbidden love story reminiscent of Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone’s This Is How You Lose The Time War.
Super-feeler Selene Thrace, Moon Scientist of hidden Earth-like planet Penumbra, is disenchanted with her predestined life in an emotionally repressed society. Her routine is disrupted one night when her unique bond to the Moon enables her to sense a star-gazing human close to discovering Penumbra, the Solar System’s best-kept secret.
Penumbra’s dysfunctional governing Council, fearing for the safety of the planet if humans were to find it, sends an undercover team to Earth to identify the observer, and Selene is assigned to investigate Endy Moin, drummer in rock band SkyDusters.
A chronic insomniac with a passion for astronomy, Endy spends endless nights gazing at his muse, the Moon, and is gripped by a visceral attraction to Selene the moment they meet. Unsettled, Selene realizes that their innate connection and instant chemistry means Endy is her observer. But when she discovers that Endy unwittingly took a photo of Penumbra, Selene feels duty-bound to alert the Council. Despite her reassurances that Endy is unaware of Penumbra’s existence, councillors view him as a threat and plan to silence him.
Although aware of the impossibility of their relationship, Selene is overwhelmed by her feelings for Endy, and secretly returns to Earth to be by his side. Away from Penumbra’s societal constraints, and in the comfort of Endy’s love, she begins to understand the nature of her existential malaise and to question where she truly belongs. But, as councillors proceed with taking action against Endy and his life now hangs in the balance, Selene must choose between saving her soulmate and protecting her planet, or risk loosing both.
HUMAN NATURE is loosely inspired by the myth of Selene and Endymion, and would be my debut novel. I am a member of the Federation of British Columbia Writers and have an MA in English Literature and Linguistics. I live in North Vancouver with my husband and our dog Marlowe, named after Raymond Chandler’s laconic detective.
Thank you for your consideration,
CW: mental illness, mention of off-page suicide.
I like the essential plot here, but I have to big concerns about this query.
First, it’s too long at 390 words (without personalization), and includes quite a bit that feels extraneous. Steer clear of listing abstract themes, which don’t really mean much to most agents. We don’t need to know the POV unless the agent specifically asks for it. Including the reasons why you chose the comps is optional, but an easy cut if the query’s getting long.
My main concern though is that there’s a lot here that’s described in a very abstract way that made it difficult for me to grasp what Selene wants and what makes her unique. Phrases like “disenchanted with her predestined life in an emotionally repressed society” and “gripped by a visceral attraction” don’t express those concepts with any individuality, and feel too abstract.
Help us understand her life with more vividness, and show precisely how the attraction actually manifests itself in the story. Something like “Endy can’t stop howling with lust every time he sees Selene” is way more vivid than “gripped by a visceral attraction.”
Lastly, there’s quite a lot in the plot description that feels repetitive and/or apparent from context. I suggested some significant paring back, which should provide room to flesh out Endy’s world and desires with more specificity.
Here’s my redline:
Dear x,
[INSERT PERSONALIZATION]
I am thrilled to share with you HUMAN NATURE, my multiple POV, 90,000 words upmarket sci-fi romance about soulmates that explores self-realization, identity and belonging. It will appeal to fans of Becky Chambers’ accessible science-fiction, with higher stakes and a sweeping, forbidden love story reminiscent of Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone’s This Is How You Lose The Time War.[Opinions vary, but I tend to think the “nuts and bolts” works better after the plot description]Super-feeler Selene Thrace, Moon Scientist of
hiddensecret Earth-like planet Penumbra, is disenchanted with her predestined life in an emotionally repressed society [Abstractly summarized. Can you be more specific/individualized about what she wants and what this world is like?].Her routine is disrupted oOne night,whenher unique bond to the Moon enables her to sense a stargazing human close to discovering Penumbra, the Solar System’s best-kept secret.Penumbra’s dysfunctional governing Council, fearing for the safety of the planet
if humans were to find it, sends an undercover team to Earth to identify the observer, and. Selene is assigned to investigate Endy Moin, an insomniac drummer in a rock bandSkyDusterswith a passion for astronomy. The moment they meet [WHERE], Endy [HOW THE ATTRACTION MANIFESTS ITSELF].A chronic insomniac with a passion for astronomy, Endy spends endless nights gazing at his muse, the Moon, and is gripped by a visceral attraction[Abstractly summarized. And rather than switching over to Endy and then back to Selene, should we just stick to Selene’s POV?]the moment they meet. Unsettled, Selene realizes that their innate connection and instant chemistry means Endy is her observer. But when sheSelene discovers that Endy unwittingly took a photo of Penumbra,Seleneand feels duty-bound to alert the Council.Despite her reassurances that Endy is unaware of Penumbra’s existence, councillors view him as a threat and plan to silence him.
Although aware of the impossibility of their relationship, Selene is overwhelmed by her feelings for Endy, and secretly returns to Earth to be by his side. Away from Penumbra’s societal constraints, and in the comfort of Endy’s love, she begins to understand the nature of her existential malaise and to question where she truly belongs[Vague and abstract. How can you make it more specific and individualized].But, as councillors proceed with taking action against Endy and his life now hangs in the balance,Selene must choose between saving her soulmate and protecting her planet, or risk loosing both.
I am thrilled to share with youMy debut upmarket sci-fi romance HUMAN NATURE, my multiple POV,is complete at 90,000 wordsupmarket sci-fi romance about soulmates that explores self-realization, identity and belonging. Itand will appeal to fans of Becky Chambers’ accessible science-fiction, with higher stakesanda sweeping, forbidden love story reminiscent ofAmal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone’sThis Is How You Lose The Time War.THIS IS HOW YOU LOSE THE TIME WAR. [Capitalize or italicize all book titles, there aren’t separate rules for your title vs. others’]HUMAN NATURE is loosely inspired by the myth of Selene and Endymion
, and would be my debut novel. I am a member of the Federation of British Columbia Writers and have an MA in English Literature and Linguistics. I live in North Vancouver with my husband and our dog Marlowe, named after Raymond Chandler’s laconic detective.Thank you for your consideration,
CW: mental illness, mention of off-page suicide.
Thanks again to LaKikine!
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Art: Südländische Ideallandschaft bei Mondschein by Michel Stankove
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