If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to vegeorge, whose query is below.
Dear [Agent],
I saw on your #MSWL that you’re interested in fairytale retellings and particularly enjoy dark spins. I’m thrilled to present my Cinderella retelling in which the night of the ball is cursed to repeat, and each midnight brings murder but the only clue is the shoe.
Seventeen-year-old Élisabeth grew up smothered in soot and shame, but she’s determined to become a noblewoman by trading the taste of ashes for blood. She doesn’t need pumpkins or mice to bring her to the royal ball when blackmail will do. But once at the ball, Élise struggles to hide her secret engagement to the son of a duke and their shared plot to assassinate the crown prince and claim his throne.
The ball holds its secrets as well. Élise’s schemes are cut short when she realizes the night is cursed to repeat over and over. A guest is murdered each midnight only to wake the next evening, alive and freshly powdered for the ball to begin anew. Only the aloof prince is awake to this nightmare with her, so she reluctantly joins the man she intends to kill to break the curse.
But Élise discovers she was the one murdered on that original, fateful night, triggering the curse. Worse still, she was killed with her own engagement gift: her glass shoes. And the prince, from whom she most closely guarded the secret of her engagement, may be the only guest she can trust.
Élise, who made enemies of the guests to gain her invitation to this ball, must discover who murdered her and break this curse. And she must do so before the prince realizes her true intentions in coming to this ball, or else be killed once again.
THE GLASS SLIPPER is a standalone 85k YA fantasy, Groundhog Day meets Cinderella at a rococo ball, with a side enemies-to-lovers romance and diverse cast.
I studied creative writing at[University], and am a resident physician specializing in Radiology. I live in [City], where I have short stories published in local anthologies.
Please see the first pages attached for your consideration.
Sincerely,
This is a pretty solid query draft. I like some of the specific details that are woven in (e.g. “smothered in soot and shame,” “alive and freshly powdered”) which makes the tone and spirit of the novel come to life. While I think there are a few moments when a bit more specificity would go a long way, such as how Élise finds out she’s repeating the night, I was able to wrap my mind around the overall plot.
My main concern is that my overall impression of Élise is a bit “yikes.” Who doesn’t love a good rags to riches story, and maybe she’s intended to be a bit of an antihero. Opinions will certainly not be uniform here as well and I don’t profess to stand in for all readers here. But the sheer bloodlust implied in “trading the taste of ashes for blood” was tough for me to move past, particularly without mitigating factors, such as righting an injustice.
This feels like it could be a really fun, juicy fairytale whodunnit, but I’m just not sure the way Élise is framed is quite capturing that verve? Think a great deal about how characters are positioned in the query. First impressions matter a lot in novels, and they matter in queries. Draw upon the protagonist’s voice in order to give the agent a sense of what they’re like.
Here’s my redline:
Dear [Agent],
I saw on your #MSWL that you’re interested in fairytale retellings and particularly enjoy dark spins. I’m thrilled to present my Cinderella retelling in which the
night of theball is cursed to repeat, and each midnight brings murder, but the only clue is the shoe.Seventeen-year-old Élisabeth grew up smothered in soot and shame, but she’s determined to trade the taste of ashes for blood to become a noblewoman
by trading the taste of ashes for blood. She doesn’t need a pumpkinsor miceto bring her to the royal ball when blackmailing [WHO] will do.But oOnceat the ballthere, Élise struggles to hide her secret engagement to the son of a duke and theirsharedplot to assassinate the crown princeandto claim his throne. [Struggles to hide this from whom? And my first impression here is that Élisabeth just seems kind of evil, can there be more fun woven into the tone, even if she’s a bit of an anti-hero? “trade the taste of ashes for blood” might be one to revisit]
The ball holds its secrets as well.[Just show this]Élise’s schemes are cut short when she[WHEN X HAPPENS], Élise realizes the night is cursed to repeatover and over. [Too vague how this actually happens in the story] Each midnight, aAguest is murderedeach midnightonly to wake the next evening, alive and freshly powdered [Good detail] for the ball to begin anew.¶Only the aloof prince is awake to this nightmare
with her, so she reluctantly joins the man she intends to kill to break the curse.ButÉlise discovers she was the one murdered with her own engagement gift, her glass shoes, onthatthe original, fatefulnight, triggering the curse.Worse still, she was killed with her own engagement gift: her glass shoes. And the prince, from whom she most closely guarded the secret of her engagement, may be the only guest she can trust.[Think this is implied since they’re working together] Élise, who made enemies of the guests to gain her invitation to this ball,must discover who murdered her and break this curse. And she must do sobefore the prince realizes her true intentionsin coming to this ball, or else she’ll be killed once again.THE GLASS SLIPPER is a standalone 85k YA fantasy, Groundhog Day meets Cinderella at a rococo ball, with a side enemies-to-lovers romance and diverse cast. [Groundhog Day meets Cinderella feels pretty self-evident, I’d consider including more judicious market comps]
I studied creative writing at[University], and am a resident physician specializing in Radiology. I live in [City], where I have short stories published in local anthologies.
Please see the first pages attached for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Thanks again to vegeorge!
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Art: Alegoria muzyki by Johann Georg Platzer
Thank you so much, Nathan! This is all very helpful advice for when I tackle the next draft of my query!