Make personalization easily digestible (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to AndreaBerry, whose query is below.

Dear ___,

On Manuscript Wishlist, I saw you are seeking historical fiction featuring extraordinary stories that have never been told involving family dynamics, relationships, and love. I thought you might enjoy my book, which grapples with those subjects, and due to the physical and mental handicaps of one of the characters, also explores the experience of otherness you mentioned an interest in.

Starz series The Spanish Princess meets Phantom of the Opera in a novel about Elisabeth de Valois, the oldest daughter of Henri II and Catherine de Médici. Fifteen-year-old Elisabeth is eager to marry her betrothed, Don Carlos, heir to the Spanish throne, until she is forced to wed his father, King Felipe, instead.

When Elisabeth first arrives in Spain, Felipe treats her coldly and insists she leave all French customs behind. She finds a confidante in Don Carlos, whose limp and stutter have always shamed his father. Their friendship blossoms into romance, but as Felipe begins to treat her with respect and even affection, Elisabeth realizes she is betraying not only her husband, but her duty before God. She breaks Don Carlos’ heart, and in time, grows to love Felipe sincerely, although she fears his wrath should he ever find out her secret.

When Don Carlos suffers a head injury that renders him mentally unstable, his love for Elisabeth becomes an obsession. Although Elisabeth is frightened by his increasingly erratic behavior, she believes the Don Carlos who was once her closest friend is still there, buried within his troubled psyche, and blames herself for encouraging his affection in the first place. Months later, Don Carlos dies, and Elisabeth believes he has taken their secret to the grave. When Elisabeth’s worst fears are realized and Felipe finds evidence of his son’s feelings for her, he vows to cease all prayers for Don Carlos’ soul. She must decide whether to tell Felipe the whole truth, rescuing Don Carlos from eternal damnation, or to save herself and everything she holds dear.

Through the testing of her loyalties, not only to Felipe and Don Carlos, but to her family name, the Inquisition, and the dictates of her conscience, Elisabeth finds love, redemption, and her true identity.

THE QUEEN’S ALLEGIANCE is a 103,400-word work of historical fiction, told from the points of view of Elisabeth, Felipe, and Don Carlos. It will appeal to readers of C. W. Gortner’s The Last Queen and Sophie Perinot’s Medici’s Daughter, which were written about relatives of Elisabeth.

I am an active member of HNSNA. When I’m not writing, I’m managing software implementation projects for higher education customers, reading or watching as much historical fiction as I can get my hands on, and spending time with my husband.

Sincerely,

In the last few weeks I’ve heard from quite a few authors who are really sweating the personalization part of the query letter and wondering whether they’ve gotten it right. So I thought I’d devote a bit of time to it this week.

First and most importantly: Don’t sweat the personalization part of the query letter.

Yes, it’s tempting to sweat this part as it’s a first impression and it feels easier to get right than nailing the plot description, but it’s just not that important. For a novel in particular, the plot description is by far the most crucial part of a query to get right.

The only real criteria to meet for personalization are 1) Say something that can’t just be copy and pasted about any other agent (e.g. “I see you represent historical fiction) and 2) Keep it brief and smoothly transition to the plot description.

In this query, #2 doesn’t quite happen as the first paragraph is a bit of a jumble. Just tick the box on the personalization to show you’ve done your research, and get to the plot description.

While this query does a reasonably good job of articulating the overall plot and weaving in some details, as with many query critiques around these parts, this one falls short in a few key areas:

• It’s far too long. This query is 448 words, over a hundred words longer than the 350 I recommend as a cap. It’s overly verbose and includes things like the POVs that you don’t need in a query unless the agent specifically asks for it.
• It misses opportunities to be more specific and vivid. There are lots of flat summaries of events that could be enlivened with more vivid description. “friendship blossoms into romance,” “suffers a head injury,” “renders him mentally unstable” are all chances to be more vivid. “Bangs his head on the stairs” and “leaves him hallucinating that he’s a giant crab” (or whatever it is) tell us a lot more than the vague summaries in the first draft.
• There’s not enough voice. In part because of the lack of vividness, I’m not really getting much of a sense of Elisabeth’s personality and the overall flavor of the novel. Try to weave in more of her voice into the query.

Here’s my redline:

Dear ___,

On Manuscript Wishlist, I saw you are seeking historical fiction featuring extraordinary stories that have never been told involving family dynamics, relationships, and love. and I thought you might enjoy my book, which grapples with those subjects, and due to the physical and mental handicaps of one of the characters, also explores the experience of otherness you mentioned an interest in. [Convoluted personalization. Try to keep it brief and easily digestible]

Starz series The Spanish Princess meets Phantom of the Opera [This doesn’t quite sell it for me] in a novel about Fifteen-year-old Elisabeth de Valois, the oldest daughter of Henri II and Catherine de Médici. Fifteen-year-old Elisabeth, is eager to marry her betrothed, Don Carlos, heir to the Spanish throne, until she is forced to wed his father, King Felipe, instead. When Elisabeth first she arrives in Spain, Felipe treats her coldly and insists she leave all French customs behind. She finds a confidante in Don Carlos, whose limp and stutter have always shamed his father. T, and their friendship blossoms into romance [Missed opportunity to weave in more voice and specificity], but as Felipe begins to treat her with respect and even affection,. Elisabeth realizes she is betraying not only her husband, but and her duty before God. She breaks Don Carlos’ heart, and in time, grows to love Felipe sincerely, although she fears his wrath should he ever find out her secret.

When Don Carlos suffers a head injury [Be more specific] that renders him mentally unstable [Be more specific], and his love for Elisabeth becomes an obsession [Show this with more specificity]. Although Elisabeth is frightened by his increasingly erratic behavior, she believes the Don Carlos who was once her closest friend is still there, buried within his troubled psyche, and blames herself for encouraging his affection in the first place. Months later, Don Carlos dies, and Elisabeth believes he has taken their secret to the grave. When Elisabeth’s worst fears are realized and, but Felipe finds evidence of his son’s feelings for her, he vows to and ceases all prayers for Don Carlos’ soul. She must decide whether to tell Felipe the whole truth, rescuing Don Carlos from eternal damnation, or to save herself and everything she holds dear [WHAT SHE HOLDS DEAR ADN WHAT’S AT STAKE – BE SPECIFIC].

Through the testing of her loyalties, not only to Felipe and Don Carlos, but to her family name, the Inquisition, and the dictates of her conscience, Elisabeth finds love, redemption, and her true identity. [This feels flat and repeats dynamics that have already been made clear]

THE QUEEN’S ALLEGIANCE is a 103,400-word work of historical fiction novel, told from the points of view of Elisabeth, Felipe, and Don Carlos [We don’t need to know the POVs in a query]. It that will appeal to readers of C. W. Gortner’s The Last Queen and Sophie Perinot’s Medici’s Daughter, which were written about relatives of Elisabeth.

I am an active member of HNSNA. When I’m not writing, I’m managing software implementation projects for higher education customers, reading or watching as much historical fiction as I can get my hands on, and spending time with my husband.

Sincerely,

Thanks again to AndreaBerry!

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Art: Detail of Queen Elisabeth of Valois, third wife of Philip II by Juan Pantoja de la Cruz