If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to jackiewrites, whose query is below.
Dear Nathan,
An investigator and a society darling join forces to unmask their mutual friend’s killer in MURDER COMES TO MAYFAIR, my adult historical mystery with series potential, complete at 92,000 words. Its Regency setting, banter, and slow-burn romance will appeal to fans of Andrea Penrose’s WREXFORD AND SLOANE mysteries and Deanna Raybourn’s VERONICA SPEEDWELL mysteries. I would appreciate any feedback on this query letter you’re willing to provide.
London, 1811. A member of the elite Bow Street Runners, Henry Cross has worked his way up from poverty to become a respected investigator—until new evidence indicates he might’ve sent the wrong man to prison for murder. When an author called George Bones publicly insults Henry, Henry reopens his former investigation to save an innocent man from the gallows and preserve his own good name.
Henry’s investigation brings him to a dinner party, which the accused man’s former employers will be attending. There, he meets Augusta Bancroft, a barrister’s daughter who yearns for more than attending balls and attracting suitors. Her scathing quill advocates for the unfortunate souls that high society would rather forget, but crime writing isn’t a suitable pastime for a lady. If anyone discovers she is George Bones, the scandal would ruin Augusta’s social standing and that of her beloved family.
When one of the dinner guests is murdered—shortly after telling Henry he has information pertaining to the reopened murder case—the coincidence is too great to ignore. Henry and Augusta forge a clandestine alliance to find the killer. Following the clues takes them on a twisty journey from the bustling streets of Covent Garden to the refined townhouses of Mayfair. As Henry and Augusta uncover infidelity, lies, and corruption, they discover that finding justice might mean risking their reputations and lives.
I am an active member of the #Booktube community on YouTube (Jackie Reads and Writes) and the Mystery Writers of America Florida Chapter. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jackie
I’m definitely intrigued by the idea of a mystery set in London in 1911, but I have some concerns with the approach in this query.
First and most importantly, I absolutely don’t want to pick on Jackie here because her request for feedback at the end of the first paragraph may very well have been directed at me (as in the editor she’s addressing the query to and requesting feedback from), and she wouldn’t actually include that in a query letter to a literary agent.
But I have seen similar requests enough over the years that I think it’s a good jumping off point for a reminder: do not ask agents for feedback unless you’re their client. It’s just not their job. Many agents have no response means no policies because even sending a rejection triggers requests for feedback or worse. If an agent proactively offers you feedback: treat it as the gift that it is (even if it might be maddening to interpret). Otherwise, a no is a no, and move on to the next agent, no matter how hungry you are for a useful morsel.
My other main concern with this approach is that the plot description buries too much of the plot and misses so many opportunities to be more specific. The murders are described in an extremely vague way and there’s very little sense what Henry and Augusta are looking for and what they need to do. There are some settings listed and a vague notion that there are lies and deceit, but it’s not clear enough what makes this story unique.
Don’t worry about spoilers in a query letter! Be as specific as possible about what’s happening, which will help set up the final line of the plot description where the final choices will be much clearer and the stakes will be apparent.
I also didn’t really come away with a sense of Henry’s personality, in part because the query’s POV subtly shifts over to Augusta to reveal that she is actually George Bones. Even if your novel has dual POVs, it’s usually helpful to stick with one character for the purposes of the query and contextualize the plot from that character’s perspective. Then you can draw upon more of that character’s voice to frame the events.
Specificity, voice, spoil away. If those elements can be woven in, the plot will likely sound much more gripping. Here’s my redline:
Dear Nathan,
[INSERT PERSONALIZED TIDBIT TO SHOW THE AGENT YOU RESEARCHED THEM INDIVIDUALLY].
An investigator and a society darling join forces to unmask their mutual friend’s killer[Too vague to make an effective one line pitch]in MURDER COMES TO MAYFAIR, my adult historical mystery with series potential, complete at 92,000 words. Its Regency setting, banter, and slow-burn romance will appeal to fans of Andrea Penrose’s WREXFORD AND SLOANE mysteries and Deanna Raybourn’s VERONICA SPEEDWELL mysteries[Opinions vary about this, but I tend to think the “nuts and bolts” and comps work better after the plot description].I would appreciate any feedback on this query letter you’re willing to provide.[This might be directed to me as the person who will edit it, but just for clarity, do not even think about asking an agent you’re querying for this. It’s not their job!]London, 1811. Henry Cross,
Aa member of the elite Bow Street Runners,Henry Crosshas worked his way up from poverty to become a respected investigator—until, but new evidence [Be more specific about the evidence] indicates he might’ve sent the wrong man [Be more specific about the man] to prison for murder. When an author called George Bones publicly insults Henry [WHERE], Henry reopens his former investigation [Be more specific. What does he do to reopen it] to save an innocent man from the gallows and preserve his own good name.Henry’
s investigation brings himgoes to a dinner party to do X/Y/Z [Be more vivid–what specifically is he there to do?], which the accused man’s former employers [Too vague] will be attending.There, hHe meets Augusta Bancroft, a barrister’s daughter who yearns for more than attending balls and attracting suitors. Her scathing quill as George Bones advocates for the unfortunate souls that high society would rather forget, but crime writing isn’t a suitable pastime for a lady. Iand if anyone discovers who she is George Bones, the scandal would ruinAugusta’s socialher family’s standingand that of her beloved family. [Confusing shift in perspective over to Augusta]When one of the dinner guests tells Henry X/Y/Z [Be more specific] and is then murdered [Be more specific about the murder],
—shortly after telling Henry he has information pertaining to the reopened murder case—the coincidence is too great to ignore.Henry and Augusta forge a clandestine alliance to find the killer. Following the clues takes them on a twisty journey [Way too vague. Don’t worry about spoilers and be specific] from the bustling streets of Covent Garden to the refined townhouses of Mayfair [These are just settings, and ones we can likely infer in a novel about 1811 London. Be more specific about what happens]. As Henry and Augusta uncover infidelity, lies, and corruption [Vague], they discover that finding justice might mean risking their reputations and lives. [Too vague]MURDER COMES TO MAYFAIR, my adult historical mystery with series potential, is complete at 92,000 words
. Its Regency setting, banter, and slow-burn romanceand will appeal to fans of Andrea Penrose’s WREXFORD AND SLOANE mysteries and Deanna Raybourn’s VERONICA SPEEDWELL mysteries.I am an active member of the #Booktube community on YouTube (Jackie Reads and Writes) and the Mystery Writers of America Florida Chapter. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jackie
Thanks again to jackiewrites!
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Art: Carlo Bossoli – A view of the City of London from Bank
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I love the sound of this book, Jackie! Sounds like a very fun read. Nathan’s advice is spot-on, as usual.