If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Zena, whose query is below.
Dear [Agent Name],
Because you represent Kathleen Grissom, you might enjoy my historical novel, A CRIB FOR MISS AVIS (100,000 words). It puts the institution from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST into the setting of COLD MOUNTAIN, and would appeal to readers of K.J. Fowler’s BOOTH and K.J. Chen’s JOAN.
Strait-jacketed and shuddering from withdrawal, Elizabeth screams until her throat is scorched. But nobody comes. Her gut feels like razor-clawed rats are scrabbling to get out. The pain forces her to the floor of the concrete cell, barely bigger than a hackney carriage.
Addicted to laudanum, betrayed and unloved, the most well-known female orator of the Civil War is now incarcerated in Canarach Insane Asylum. Her voice silenced, her fame impotent.
Before captivity suffocates her completely, she must prove her sanity to the asylum doctor. Until then, he won’t release her. She must dress and behave as a young lady should. She must also have the correct beliefs. But she refuses to retract her views on racial and gender equality. She rages and tears the doctor’s papers to scraps and smashes his ink bottle, spilling black over his knife-pleated trousers.
To soothe her mind, he prescribes time in the crib: a metal cage the size of a coffin.
When she’s freed from the crib, she’s resurrected. Unflinching in her resolve to burn the patriarchy to the ground.
This is my debut novel, the offspring of my fascination with powerful women in history and my decade-plus obsession with the Civil War.
As a freelance writer for over five years, my articles have appeared in numerous publications, including BC BookWorld and the Engineering News-Record. I run a writers’ group, which I founded in 2018. I’m a member of the Federation of BC Writers and the Historical Novel Society.
Yours,
[My Name]
Directionally, I like that the author is trying to immerse us in a particular setting with vivid details, and this is an interesting premise. But I still have some concerns here.
First, I found some of those details a bit purplish and heavy-handed. Every word counts in a query, and once we’ve gotten the gist, additional lurid details may feel like diminishing returns.
I also worry that we’re not really connected with Elizabeth’s voice here or getting glimpses into her vantage point and motivations in a more intimate way. Modern framing like “her views on racial and gender equality” and “burn the patriarchy to the ground” don’t feel like we’re really immersed in her voice (or in the 19th Century for that matter).
I’d recommend rephrasing this query to draw upon more of Elizabeth’s voice in order to give us a greater sense of her personality and the overall tone of the novel. And sharpen the details so we have a clearer sense of what Elizabeth thinks she must do in order to escape and what she might do next if she does.
Here’s my redline:
Dear [Agent Name],
Because you represent Kathleen Grissom, you might enjoy my historical novel, A CRIB FOR MISS AVIS (100,000 words). It puts the institution from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST into the setting of COLD MOUNTAIN, and would appeal to readers of K.J. Fowler’s BOOTH and K.J. Chen’s JOAN. [Tastes vary but I’d save the “nuts and bolts” for later in the query]
Strait-jacketed and shuddering from withdrawal from laudanum, Elizabeth, the most well-known female orator during the Civil War, screams until her throat is scorched on the floor of her concrete cell in Canarach Insane Asylum. But nobody comes. Her gut feels like razor-clawed rats are scrabbling to get out. [I think we get the picture] The pain forces her to the floor of the concrete cell, barely bigger than a hackney carriage.
Addicted to laudanum, betrayed and unloved, the most well-known female orator of the Civil War is now incarcerated in Canarach Insane Asylum. Her voice silenced, her fame impotent. Before captivity suffocates her completely, she must prove her sanity to the asylum doctor. Until then, he won’t release her. She must dress and behave as a young lady should [Missed opportunity to weave in more of Elizabeth’s voice]. She must also have the correct beliefs [Be more specific]. But she refuses to retract her views on racial and gender equality. She rages and tears the doctor’s papers to scraps and smashes his ink bottle, spilling black over his knife-pleated trousers.
To soothe her mind, he prescribes time in the crib: a metal cage the size of a coffin. When she’s freed from the crib, she’s resurrected [How does this manifest itself?]. Unflinching in her resolve to burn the patriarchy to the ground. [Not sure this really feels like a period-appropriate voice? What exactly is her specific plan here?]
My debut historical fiction novel A CRIB FOR MISS AVIS (100,000 words) puts the institution from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST into the setting of COLD MOUNTAIN, and would appeal to readers of K.J. Fowler’s BOOTH and K.J. Chen’s JOAN.
This is my debut novel, the offspring of my fascination with powerful women in history and my decade-plus obsession with the Civil War. [We don’t need how the book came to be in the query]
As a freelance writer for over five years, my articles have appeared in numerous publications, including BC BookWorld and the Engineering News-Record. I run a writers’ group, which I founded in 2018. I’m a member of the Federation of BC Writers and the Historical Novel Society.
Yours,
[My Name]
Thanks again to Zena!
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Art: Lazarettgarten by Fritz Friedrichs
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Thank you so much! This is very helpful!
Glad you found it helpful! Thanks for volunteering!