If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to annejohnstonwrites, whose query is below.
Dear [insert agent],
I am writing to you due to your MSWL desire for own voices stories and a history of representing mystery/thriller novels. At 55,000 words my novel, Invisible Illness, it is a stand-alone story with serial potential. Similar to Knecht’s Who Is Vera Kelly? the story follows an unusual protagonist in spycraft.
Invisible Illness is a James Bond style spy novel à la Stephanie Plum. In it, Carissa Wolfe’s chronic illness makes her an odd fit for CIA field agent. Her superiors, especially the perpetually grumpy Chief Farran, think it makes her a liability. But when their attempt to sideline her goes awry, her snarky attitude and personal familiarity with the medical-industrial complex may just be the best asset they have. With her perfectly predictable agency handler, Jordan Killian, as backup she’ll have to navigate mole hunts, poisonings, fashionistas, and dating in order to keep her job and save the world from an all-new bioweapon.
Colored by my experience as an MS and fibromyalgia patient, Invisible Illness avoids the ableist trap of suggesting the main character can “push through” or “rise above” their condition. I would be excited to have an agent like you who values this characteristic.
As Dr. Samantha Howe, I’ve authored a number of nonfiction works. As Anne Johnston, my short fiction has been selected as a finalist in the 2023 Hackathon contest and been published in several anthologies: Broken Promises (2020), Desiderium (2021), Dead of Winter (2022), and Untold Stories (2023).
I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Samantha Howe
Writing as Anne Johnston
While I like the idea of a CIA agent with a chronic illness, longtime readers of query critiques can probably spot the fatal flaw in this plot description: it’s far, far too vague.
What illness does Carissa have? What do her superiors do to try to sideline her? Why is her snarky attitude and familiarity with the medical industrial complex an asset to the CIA? What, ultimately, does Carissa need to do beyond some unspecified role in stopping an unspecified bioweapon? What are the obstacles and what’s ultimately at stake, beyond the vague cliche of “saving the world?”
Don’t worry about spoilers. Be very precise about what’s happening. Illustrate via vivid examples instead of falling back on vague catchalls like “chronic illness” that encompass literally thousands of potential ailments.
And make sure the most important story elements are in the plot description. What does the protagonist need to do, what are the obstacles in their way, and why does it ultimately matter?
Here’s my redline:
Dear [insert agent],
I am writing to you due to your MSWL desire for own voices stories [My sense is that #OwnVoices is fading as a publishing industry term] and a history of representing mystery/thriller novels.
At 55,000 words my novel, Invisible Illness, it is a stand-alone story with serial potential. Similar to Knecht’s Who Is Vera Kelly? the story follows an unusual protagonist in spycraft.[Opinions vary on this but I feel the “nuts and bolts” are better after the plot description in order to get the agent into the story]
Invisible Illness is a James Bond style spy novel à la Stephanie Plum. In it,Carissa Wolfe’s chronic illness [Be more specific] makes her an odd fit for a CIA field agent. Her superiors, especially the perpetually grumpy Chief Farran, think it makes her a liability. But when their attempt to sideline her goes awry [Be much, much more specific], her snarky attitude [Show her snarky attitude by describing what she does that’s snarking] andpersonalfamiliarity with the medical-industrial complex may just be the best asset they have [The best asset they have to do what? What’s the story?]. With her perfectly predictable agency handler, Jordan Killian, as backup she’ll have to navigate mole hunts, poisonings, fashionistas, and dating in order to keep her job and save the world from an all-new bioweapon. [This list of story ingredients doesn’t help us understand the broader story. What specifically does Carissa need to do, what are the obstacles, and what’s ultimately at stake? “Save the world” is a vague cliche]
At 55,000 words mMy 55,000 word mystery/thriller novel,Invisible Illness, itis a stand-alonestorywith serial potential. Similarand will appeal to readers oftoKnecht’s Who Is Vera Kelly?the story follows an unusual protagonist in spycraft. Colored by my experience as an MS and fibromyalgia patient, Invisible Illness avoids the ableist trap of suggesting the main character can “push through” or “rise above” their condition. I would be excited to have an agent like you who values this characteristic.As Dr. Samantha Howe, I’ve authored a number of nonfiction works. As Anne Johnston, my short fiction has been selected as a finalist in the 2023 Hackathon contest and been published in several anthologies: Broken Promises (2020), Desiderium (2021), Dead of Winter (2022), and Untold Stories (2023).
I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Samantha Howe
Writing as Anne Johnston
Thanks again to annejohnstonwrites!
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Petrea Burchard says
Thank you both for this post, Samantha and Nathan. This query writing is hard work, I tell ya!
I particularly like “perpetually grumpy” and “perfectly predictable” as character descriptions; those create pictures in my mind. I think they’re good examples of specificity used well and with imagination.
Nathan, just yesterday I finished reading every post you’ve written about queries. Even though you’ve mentioned specificity many times and shown clear examples and I get it, it’s still hard to do! I wonder why that’s so. I’ll keep pounding on it though, until I’m sure it’s right.
Thanks for these posts.