Clunky and vague are a dangerous combo (query critique)

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• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Kate, whose query is below.

According to your website, you are interested in novels dealing with women’s fiction. At approximately 116 000 words, my novel, Back to Square One has a dash of magical realism and overtones of alternate history. Back to Square One is similar to My Name is Memory by Ann Brashares and Kate Atkinson’s Life After Life.

Jude Hutton must negotiate her way through life with an extraordinary difference. She knows what’s ahead for the planet, as she’s lived through it. She struggles to convince those closest to her she is reliving a remembered life and strives to find clues to why this has happened to her.

Seeking to alter catastrophic events she remembers from her first life, she worries changes she makes may adversely affect how the world unfolds. While foreknowledge has some advantages, there are many pitfalls in such a situation. Her unique circumstances stand in the way of a normal life and create difficulties with her partners. The subplot of the story revolves around her family situation and difficulties, including her husband’s affair and her mother-in-law’s dislike.

Her attempts to prevent disasters bring her letters to the attention of the FBI, who assume she must be involved to have such detailed information about the events mentioned in her warnings.

Others Rememberers experiencing the same phenomenon eventually make contact with Jude. Their search for more of their kind needs to be discreet, as it appears one, such as they, has a very different agenda concerning how world events should play out. Together this small band of misfits attempt the daunting task of staying under the radar while endeavouring to avert a looming nuclear war.

I took a creative writing course at the University of Winnipeg and received an A- for my efforts. My professor, Margaret Sweatman, a published author most recently of The Gunsmith’s Daughter, encouraged me to join a writing group when I moved to Ottawa. I did and began writing this novel. I won an honourable mention in an Ottawa Citizen short story contest.

Thank you very much for your time.
Kate

The premise of this novel sounds so interesting! A character who can “remember” the future and has to grapple with how and whether to change it? Count me in.

But that makes it doubly frustrating that the good ideas here are so thoroughly obscured by vague writing. Beyond the basic premise, I really struggled to understand the consequences Jude faces for her foreknowledge and what she needs to do about it. What’s here just raises more questions. What does your husband having an affair have to do with seeing the future, and why was that not one of the things she could stop if she knew it would happen? Why is, seemingly, the best thing she could think to do with her superpower is writing a bunch of letters?

The writing doesn’t help illuminate the specifics. This sentence kind of sums it up:

Their search for more of their kind needs to be discreet, as it appears one, such as they, has a very different agenda concerning how world events should play out.

My very honest reaction to this sentence: Huh?

I definitely empathize with how difficult it is to write a query letter. I’ve been there. It’s not easy to see your work fresh and put yourself in the shoes of someone who’s unfamiliar with your world. It’s hard to avoid projecting things onto the page that aren’t there.

But the end result is that this query is vague and the writing is clunky. It’s a combo that will sink your query.

Don’t worry about spoilers. Swap out what’s vague with more specific phrasing that illuminates what you’re trying to summarize. Don’t tell us abstractions like “there are many pitfalls” and tell us a vivid, specific pitfall, like “she can’t sleep at night knowing the terrorist attacks that will happen in the morning.”

And before you send your query to anyone, it’s imperative to read it out loud. Not like out loud just in your head, let your mouth form the words. You’ll catch things like “as it appears one, such as they, has a very different agenda.”

Here’s my redline:

According to your website, you are interested in novels dealing with women’s fiction [Personalization should be more specific than this, and I find “interested in novels dealing with women’s fiction” very confusing]. At approximately 116 000 words, my novel, Back to Square One has a dash of magical realism and overtones of alternate history. Back to Square One is similar to My Name is Memory by Ann Brashares and Kate Atkinson’s Life After Life. [Unless the agent specifically suggests otherwise, I tend to think the full “nuts and bolts” works better after the plot description]

Jude Hutton must negotiate her way through life with an extraordinary difference. She [just show this] knowsing what’s ahead for the planet, as she’s lived through it. She struggles to convince those closest to her [Be more specific] she is reliving a remembered life and strives to find clues to why this has happened to her.

Seeking Jude tries to alter catastrophic events [Be more specific] she remembers from her first life, she but worries the changes she makes may adversely affect how the world unfolds [Really vague ending to a clunky front-loaded sentence. Be more specific]. While foreknowledge has some advantages, there are many pitfalls in such a situation. Hher unique circumstances stand in the way of a normal life and create difficulties with her partners [Too vague]. The subplot of the story revolves around her family situation and difficulties, including hHer husband’s has an affair and her mother-in-law’s dislikes her. [Clunky writing and too vague]

Her attempts to prevent disasters bring her letters [Why would she be writing letters? What year is this?] to the attention of the FBI, who assume she must be involved to have if she has such detailed information about the events mentioned in her warnings. Others Rememberers experiencing the same phenomenon eventually make contact with Jude. Their search for more of their kind needs to be discreet, as it appears one, such as they, [I’m lost. “One, such as they?”] has a very different agenda concerning how world events should play out [Clunky, vague, and confusing sentence]. Together this small band of misfits attempt the daunting task of staying under the radar while endeavouring to avert a looming nuclear war. [Where did this nuclear war come from? What specifically does Jude have to do?]

At approximately 116 000 words, my women’s fiction novel, Back to Square One has a dash of magical realism and overtones of alternate history. Back to Square One It is similar to My Name is Memory by Ann Brashares and Kate Atkinson’s Life After Life.

I took a creative writing course at the University of Winnipeg and received an A- for my efforts. My professor, Margaret Sweatman, a published author most recently of The Gunsmith’s Daughter, encouraged me to join a writing group when I moved to Ottawa. I did and began writing this novel. I won an honourable mention in an Ottawa Citizen short story contest.

Thank you very much for your time.
Kate

Thanks again to Kate!

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Art: Detail of The Crystal Ball by John William Waterhouse