Stay grounded in the story (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Gigiza, whose query is below.

Dear Ms Barer,

After reading (and loving) LITTLE FIRES EVERYWHERE, I was thrilled to learn that you’re interested in representing a diversity of voices from around the world. May I thus invite you into the world of THE SCATTERLINGS, an adult historical novel based on the barely-known racial Rhodesia Bush War (1966-79) that led to the independence of Zimbabwe in southern Africa? Complete at 99.500 words, THE SCATTERLINGS is recounted in alternating first person POVS of a black female guerrilla/nurse and a White soldier of the Rhodesian Security Forces who meet and marry in London without knowing of the other’s wartime background and how they were personally involved.

Providing for her large family is more crucial to 21-year-old MAUDE KHUMALO than a call to arms in Rhodesia’s racial conflict. But when in 1978, she witnesses her 18-year-old sister NOMPILO, succumb to shrapnel injuries after a grenade attack on a Bulawayo disco, Maude joins guerrilla forces fighting the White minority apartheid regime.

In a Zambian camp of hostile comrades, Maude balances military training with her nursing skills, finding solace in the arms of the Camp Commander. After four years of warfare and the death of her lover from an air raid, she returns with their infant to an independent Rhodesia renamed Zimbabwe. Disillusioned with the new partisan politics and covert genocide on her tribe, she migrates with her daughter to England.

In London in 2000, 43-year-old Maude marries 42-year-old BRADFORD PETERSON who tried but could not avoid the mandatory draft for White boys post-high school in 1975 Rhodesia-finally escaping the army in 1979. With their baby on the way, Bradford unintentionally reveals a stinging memory that demands a reckoning with the past. Suspecting him responsible for her sister’s death, Maude investigates-only to be confronted with atrocities that she, in turn, wreaked on his family during the war.

Now they must decide what their future will be. Together or not? Is forgiveness possible?

THE SCATTERLINGS is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike Mark Sullivan’s BENEATH A SCARLET SKY, NoViolet Bulawayo’s GLORY and will also appeal to fans of Mandy Robotham’s THE RESISTANCE GIRL and Abdulrazak Gernah’s AFTER LIVES.

At the height of the Rhodesia Bush War (1974-79), I was a trainee nurse and privy to the atrocities of the security forces and guerrillas on civilians. I spent the next three decades as a registered nurse in emergency and surgical units in Vienna, Austria, while taking Literature and Literature Crtique as well as creative writing courses with Cambridge’s NEC correspondent college and New York’s Gotham writers, online and in person. I’m currently researching a thriller based on Zimbabwe’s blood diamonds.

As per your guidelines, I have pasted the synopsis and first ten pages of THE SCATTERLINGS.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

This is a rich subject for a novel, and the essence of the plot sounds fascinating. A couple expecting a baby discovers they may have committed atrocities against each other during a past civil war? Yowza. But I’m afraid the query doesn’t feel like it does the project justice.

For one, it breaks quite a few “rules” of query letters:

• It’s too long. I highly recommend queries clock in at no more than 350 words. This is 464, meaning over 100 words too long.
• It’s not a convention to capitalize character names in a query letter. Some people do it in synopses, but it’s just not a thing for queries.
• Unless the agent specifically asks for it, we don’t need the POV. Just let the agent see how it’s told for themselves.
• Don’t lift quips from publicly available queries. Such as, um, mine. Extremely standard phrases like “It stands alone but could be expanded into a series” or “This is my first novel” are fine to just cut and paste, but find your own voice otherwise.
• Don’t worry about spoilers in a query letter. Just be clear about what happens. There are some plot points here that are obscured by being overly concerned with not revealing specific events.

But even more important than quotidian query conventions, the plot description takes an extremely wrenching event in human history and makes it feel abstract and remote in a way the deadens the story. At nearly every turn, the phrasing takes vivid story details and makes them feel cold, abstract, and clinical:

• “succumb to shrapnel injuries after a grenade attack on a Bulawayo disco” – Instead of making the attack vivid, it’s out of chronological order and described in a flat way. Imagine something directionally more like “security forces hurl a grenade into a Bulawayo disco, and Maude holds her 18-year-old sister while she bleeds out on the dance floor.”
• “balances military training with her nursing skills” – What specifically is the military training? Who is she nursing? Imagine something directionally more like “balances target practice with a rusty AK-47 and caring for surly guerrilla fighters with trench foot.”
• “Disillusioned with the new partisan politics and covert genocide on her tribe, she migrates with her daughter to England.” – Feels more like a walk in the park than something that’s scary/wrenching? Imagine something directionally more like “As the new parliament descends into bickering and partisans engage in covert genocide on her tribe, Maude makes the harrowing trek to move with her daughter to England.”

It’s not a matter of adding vastly more words, but rather utilizing much greater specificity and vividness to make the world of the novel come to life. Instead of describing things clinically and in an overly summarized way, bring the specific details to bear.

The details are also obscured by some convoluted phrases that could have been caught if the author had read the query out loud before posting. Steer clear of clunky/confusing sentences (“In London in 2000, 43-year-old Maude marries 42-year-old BRADFORD PETERSON who tried but could not avoid the mandatory draft for White boys post-high school in 1975 Rhodesia-finally escaping the army in 1979.”) and make sure the agent can easily digest the plot.

Lastly, a further consequence of the abstractness of the plot description means that we don’t really have a sense of Maude’s personality as the core protagonist. How can you draw upon more of her personality and voice and weave that into the plot description?

Here’s my redline:

Dear Ms Barer,

After reading (and loving) LITTLE FIRES EVERYWHERE, I was thrilled to learn that you’re interested in representing a diversity of voices from around the world. May I thus invite you into the world of THE SCATTERLINGS, an 99,500 word adult historical novel based on the barely-known racial Rhodesia Bush War (1966-79) that led to the independence of Zimbabwe in southern Africa? Complete at 99.500 words, THE SCATTERLINGS is recounted in alternating first person POVS of a black female guerrilla/nurse and a White soldier of the Rhodesian Security Forces who meet and marry in London without knowing of the other’s wartime background and how they were personally involved. [The agent doesn’t need to know the POVs unless they specifically ask for it]

Providing for her large family is more crucial to [INSERT MORE SPECIFICITY ABOUT WHAT SHE DOES] is more important to 21-year-old MAUDE KHUMALO Maude Khumalo than a call to arms [INSERT WHAT SHE’S ASKED TO DO OR HOW SHE MIGHT BE INVOLVED] in Rhodesia’s racial conflict between guerrilla fighters and the White minority apartheid regime in in 1978 [The original is jumbled, vague sentence]. But wWhen in 1978, she witnesses her 18-year-old sister NOMPILO Nompilo, succumb to shrapnel injuries after a grenade attack on a Bulawayo disco [Missed opportunity to be more vivid], Maude joins guerrilla the forces [Missed opportunity to be more vivid] fighting the White minority apartheid regime.

In a Zambian camp of hostile comrades [Missed opportunity to be more vivid], Maude balances military training [Missed opportunity to be mored vivid] with her nursing skills [Missed opportunity to be more vivid], finding solace in the arms [Missed opportunity to be more vivid] of the Camp Commander. After four years of warfare and the death of her lover from an air raid [Way too zoomed out/abstract. Missed opportunity to be more vivid], she returns with their infant to an independent Rhodesia, renamed Zimbabwe. Disillusioned After growing disillusioned with the new partisan politics and covert genocide on her tribe, she migrates with her daughter to England. [Flat. Missed opportunity to be more vivid]

In London in 2000, 43-year-old Maude marries 42-year-old BRADFORD PETERSON Bradford Peterson who tried but could not avoid the mandatory draft for White boys post-high school in 1975 Rhodesia-finally escaping the army in 1979 [Really jumbled sentence, read the original out loud. Struggling to understand what’s happening here]. With their baby on the way, Bradford unintentionally reveals a stinging memory that demands a reckoning with the past [Too vague to be meaningful. Don’t worry about spoilers in a query letter]. Suspecting him Maude suspectss he’s responsible for her sister’s death, Maude and investigates [BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHAT SHE DOES]-only to be confronted [Too vague. Confronted how and by whom?] with atrocities that she, in turn, wreaked on his family during the war. [Again–don’t worry about spoilers. Be more specific]

Now they must decide what whether their future will be. T together or not?. Is forgiveness possible?

THE SCATTERLINGS is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike will appeal to readers of [Hey, no copying me. It’s really not a good idea to come across as an imitator when my example query has been out there for so long] Mark Sullivan’s BENEATH A SCARLET SKY, NoViolet Bulawayo’s GLORY, and will also appeal to fans of Mandy Robotham’s THE RESISTANCE GIRL, and Abdulrazak Gernah’s AFTER LIVES.

At the height of the Rhodesia Bush War (1974-79), I was a trainee nurse and privy to the atrocities of the security forces and guerrillas on civilians. I spent the next three decades as a registered nurse in emergency and surgical units in Vienna, Austria, while taking Literature and Literature Crtique as well as creative writing courses with Cambridge’s NEC correspondent college and New York’s Gotham writers, online and in person. I’m currently researching a thriller based on Zimbabwe’s blood diamonds. [Bring up future books if/when the agent is interested]

As per your guidelines, I have pasted the synopsis and first ten pages of THE SCATTERLINGS.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Thanks again to Gigiza!

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Art: The rapids of the Victoria Falls by Thomas Baines