If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Lisa MP, whose query is below.
Dear AGENT,
PERSONALIZE + I believe you will enjoy The Siren Dialogues, an 85,000 word contemporary literary novel with a twist of magical realism that will appeal to fans of V.E. Schwab’s The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, Ruth Ozeki’s A Tale for the Time Being, and Rachel Yoder’s Nightbitch, with a splash of American Mermaid by Julia Langbein.
When Libby Levine is assigned a story on renowned photographer Tanner Bixby, she sees an opportunity to prove her writing chops and win a long-desired promotion. As an added bonus, the photographer has a vacation cabin on the same island as her boyfriend Jasper. But Bixby has a surprise agenda: he’s looking to find the long-lost love of his life he once rescued at the beach—who he claims is a mermaid. Libby dismisses the account until a mysterious, half-conscious woman washes up with the tides. They form an inexplicable bond that challenges what Libby knows about herself, her past decisions, and where her true loyalties lie.
With the arrival of a hurricane, the woman fully awakens and reveals her true nature. And Libby must summon all her power to choose, once and for all, who and what she wants to become and who she’s willing to betray, or run the risk that someone else might choose for her.
An excerpt from The Siren Dialogues was published in Best of The Sand Hill Review and nominated for a Pushcart Prize. Additional stories have been published in the award-winning Fault Zone anthologies, Travelers Tales: Spain, and Fabula Argentea, and won Best of Show in the 2021 San Mateo County Fair Literary Arts competitions. Along with being president, founding anthology editor, and recipient of the Jack London Award for the San Francisco Peninsula branch of the California Writers Club, I have worked as an editor at Macmillan, and on projects for Simon & Schuster, Berkley Books, and others. I hold a BA and MA in English and Creative Writing and have interviewed several bestselling authors for the San Mateo County Libraries and book clubs.
Attached are # OF PAGES per submission guidelines. The full manuscript is ready to send on request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
This author definitely has some interesting publications and publishing employment history, but here’s the thing: your bio shouldn’t be nearly as long as your plot description. At the end of the day, publication credits don’t really tend to matter all that much to agents for fiction. They may tip the scale for some agents, but the focus of the query should be on nailing the plot description because that’s what really matters.
And a quick word about Pushcart nominations: yes, congrats, it’s an achievement that you should be proud of. A publication used one of its six annual nominations on you. But when each journal has six nominations per year with varying levels of quality, Puschart nominations are so common overall that in my personal opinion it doesn’t rise to the level of what I’d mention in a query.
As with many of these query critiques, the weaknesses in the plot description in this query boil down to specificity and voice.
The plot description is vague about where we are entirely beyond an island, what promotion Libby wants, the obstacles she encounters with the maybe-mermaid, and what she ultimately needs to do as the novel heads toward the climax. It’s vague coming and going. Don’t worry about spoilers and be very specific about what happens.
There’s also quite a lot of flat phrasing that doesn’t give us a sense of Libby’s personality and the overall flavor of the novel. There’s not much in the way of voice.
This problem compounds when you cite literary fiction as your genre, as there’s a much higher stylistic bar. Frankly, this just doesn’t “sound” to me like a literary plot description. The writing feels pretty flat and I’m not getting much of a sense of style. I’d gut check whether this is really contemporary fantasy instead of literary fiction, but either way, more voice will help “sell” the agent that the novel can sit alongside comps that include a Booker nominee.
Here’s my redline:
Dear AGENT,
PERSONALIZE + I believe you will enjoy The Siren Dialogues,
an 85,000 wordmy contemporary literary novel with a twist of magical realismthat will appeal to fans of V.E. Schwab’s The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, Ruth Ozeki’s A Tale for the Time Being, and Rachel Yoder’s Nightbitch, with a splash of American Mermaid by Julia Langbein. [With the personalization, this opening paragraph may end up a bit long. Opinions vary on this, but I personally feel it’s best to provide the full “nuts and bolts” and comps after the plot description]When Libby Levine is assigned a story on renowned photographer Tanner Bixby, she sees an opportunity to prove her writing chops and win a long-desired promotion [Be more specific about the promotion to crystalize it]. As a
n addedbonus,the photographerBixby has a vacation cabin on the same island [Be more specific, hard to visualize what kind island] as her boyfriend Jasper. But Bixby has ansurpriseagenda: he’slooking to findsearching for the long-lost love of his life he once rescued at the beach—, who he claims is a mermaid. Libby dismisses the account [Flat phrasing, missed opportunity to weave in more voice] until amysterious,half-conscious woman washes up with the tides. They form an inexplicable bond that challenges what Libby knows about herself, her past decisions, and where her true loyalties lie. [Flat and extremely vague. Illustrate the bond more vividly and be more specific about what exactly it forces Libby to question/decide. Don’t worry about spoilers]With
the arrival ofa hurricane [flat], the woman fully awakens and reveals her true nature [Be more specific and vivid]. And Libby must summon all her power to choose, once and for all, who and what she wants to become and who she’s willing to betray, or run the risk that someone else might choose for her. [Because the buildup was so vague, it’s extremely unclear what Libby is deciding here]The Siren Dialogues is complete at 85,000 words and will appeal to fans of V.E. Schwab’s The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, Ruth Ozeki’s A Tale for the Time Being, and Rachel Yoder’s Nightbitch, with a splash of American Mermaid by Julia Langbein.
An excerpt from The Siren Dialogues was published in Best of The Sand Hill Review
and nominated for a Pushcart Prize. Additional stories have been published[I find this phrasing a bit clunky, and being simply nominated for a Pushcart Prize is so common I don’t think it’s worth mentioning]in the award-winning. My stories have been published in Fault Zone anthologies, Travelers Tales: Spain, and Fabula Argentea, and won Best of Show in the 2021 San Mateo County Fair Literary Arts competitions[Don’t think this rises to the level of what I’d include].Along with beingI’m the president, founding anthology editor, and recipient of the Jack London Award for the San Francisco Peninsula branch of the California Writers Club, andIhave worked as an editor at Macmillan, and on projects for [on project for? I don’t understand what this means] Simon & Schuster, Berkley Books, and others.I hold a BA and MA in English and Creative Writing and have interviewed several bestselling authors for the San Mateo County Libraries and book clubs.[Overall there’s a lot of oddly clunky writing in this bio paragraph and it’s quite long. Pare back to what’s essential and smooth it out]Attached are # OF PAGES per submission guidelines. The full manuscript is ready to send on request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Thanks again to Lisa MP!
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Art: A Storm on a Mediterranean Coast by Claude-Joseph Vernet
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