Key details are the difference between generic and unique (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to MedrekWrites, whose query is below.

Dear Agent,

Because you love genre-bending tales and contemporary works with big hooks, I think you’ll enjoy my YA Action/Adventure novel INTO THE FIRE, complete at 93k words. Set in the modern world without the element of fantasy, it features a strong female protagonist hellbent on uncovering the truth behind her mom’s death as in Tracy Deonn’s Legendborn. Fans of the blend of action and romance in Sabaa Tahir’s An Ember in the Ashes will enjoy the similar vibe in this story, which is a dual POV standalone with series potential.

Eighteen-year-old Melanie Snow has finally received police reports from the night her parents died. Their employer, a government-contracted weapons manufacturer called Levett Technologies, swears the deaths were a tragic workplace accident, but Mel finds details in the reports that don’t make sense. The authorities refuse to entertain her suspicion, and her Aunt thinks she just needs someone to blame.

Determined to untangle what happened, Mel assumes a false identity and takes a job at Levett Tech. Her covert mission is derailed when mysterious and oh-so-attractive stranger Tommy shows up at her door after her first day of work with an ominous warning: They know who you are. Run.

Mel refuses, and Tommy admits he belongs to an underground Resistance dedicated to protecting others from the malignant criminal organization that lurks behind Levett’s patriotic image. Instead of taking Tommy’s advice, Mel sacrifices her freedom to search for the truth from within the Resistance. But to get information, she must earn the group’s trust, which isn’t easy with a key member fixated on proving she’s a spy.

When Mel’s amateur snooping lands her on trial with the Resistance, she uncovers Levett’s imminent plan to overthrow the government and plunge the nation into chaos by releasing a deadly pathogen into several major cities. The Resistance will not launch a suicide mission to prevent the attack. Mel must forfeit her life to stop Levett Tech and avenge her parents on her own or stay safe while innocent blood is spilled.

I grew up exploring the beautiful forests of New Hampshire, where I live, work, and play with my husband, two boys, and the world’s sweetest pup. When I’m not wrangling the kids or enjoying the outdoors, I’m hard at work on my next manuscript. My previous agent and I parted ways amicably. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have regarding my prior representation.

Thank you for your time and effort,
NAME

This is written reasonably smoothly and I am sure the underlying novel isn’t a cookie cutter YA action novel. And yet the query letter makes it feel cookie cutter. Why?

Because the query stops at the level of YA tropes: Girl must join the Resistance along with an attractive boy in order to solve a family mystery and save the day. Anyone who reads their share of YA can probably think of half a dozen novels off the top of their head that fall under that rough umbrella.

That’s not necessarily a problem! There’s a reason there are lots of YA novels that meet this criteria. But what separates Marie Lu’s Legend from Sabaa Tahir’s An Ember in the Ashes from Tahereh Mafi’s Shatter Me from Alexandra Bracken’s The Darkest Minds is that they have individualized characters and unique worlds. You’d never confuse one of those novels with the others.

It’s crucial to get some of those more individualized details into the query letter. This query is extremely long (400 words when I recommend no more than 350) and yet it’s short of the kind of details and voice that would make it stand out. Don’t worry about spoilers, and be very precise about what happens.

You may have noticed that I pick out a detail from the query letter to pair with a classic painting when I put these posts together, for instance a forest or location or something unique from the query, but I really struggled to do that here and ended up going with a unique detail from the author’s bio.

Pare back some of the filler, stick to what’s absolutely essential, and make sure to weave in those key, evocative details that will convince and agent this is a fresh spin on classic tropes.

Here’s my redline:

Dear Agent,

Because you love genre-bending tales and contemporary works with big hooks, I think you’ll enjoy my YA Action/Adventure novel with series potential INTO THE FIRE , complete at 93k words. Set in the modern world without the element of fantasy [Just tell them what it is, not what it isn’t. Unless you say it’s fantasy we’re going to assume it’s not fantasy], it features a strong female protagonist hellbent on uncovering the truth behind her mom’s death as in that will appeal to readers of Tracy Deonn’s Legendborn LEGENDBORN [If you capitalize your book title, capitalize all book titles]. Fans of the blend of action and romance in and Sabaa Tahir’s An Ember in the Ashes AN EMBER IN THE ASHES will enjoy the similar vibe in this story, which is a dual POV standalone with series potential. [Unless the agent asks for it, we don’t need to know the POV]

Eighteen-year-old Melanie Snow has finally received [Does this need to be passive?] police reports from the night her parents died. Their employer, a government-contracted weapons manufacturer called Levett Technologies, swears the deaths were it was a tragic workplace accident, but Mel finds details in the reports that don’t make sense [INSERT MORE SPECIFICITY ABOUT WHAT SHE FINDS]. The authorities refuse to entertain her suspicion, and her Aaunt thinks she Melanie just needs someone to blame.

Determined to untangle what happened, Mel assumes a false identity [Be more specific] and takes a job [Be more specific] at Levett Tech. Her covert mission is derailed [Clunky pre-summarizing what’s going to happen] when After her first day, a mysterious and oh-so-attractive stranger Tommy shows up at her door after her first day of work with an ominous warning: They know who you are. Run.

Mel refuses, and Tommy admits he belongs to an underground Resistance dedicated to protecting others [So vague] from the malignant a criminal organization [Vague] that lurks behind Levett’s patriotic image trying to [INSERT WHAT THE CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION TRYING TO DO]. Instead of taking Tommy’s advice, Mel sacrifices her freedom [I don’t understand what this means, how does she sacrifice her freedom?] decides to search for the truth from within the Resistance. But to get information, she must earn the group’s their trust, which isn’t easy with a key member fixated on proving she’s a spy. [Too vague]

When Mel’s amateur snooping lands her on trial [Vague. How exactly does this happen? And does it belong in the query?] with the Resistance, she uncovers Levett’s imminent plan to overthrow the government and plunge the nation into chaos by releasing a deadly pathogen [Be more specific] into several major cities. The Resistance will not launch a suicide mission to prevent the attack [I’m confused, why is this presented like it’s the only option?]. Mel must forfeit her life to stop Levett Tech and avenge her parents on her own or stay safe while innocent blood is spilled [Why would “blood be spilled” by a deadly pathogen? Feels like there are details missing?].

I grew up exploring the beautiful forests of New Hampshire, where I live, work, and play with my husband, two boys, and the world’s sweetest pup. When I’m not wrangling the kids or enjoying the outdoors, I’m hard at work on my next manuscript. My previous agent [I’d name the agent] and I parted ways amicably. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have regarding my prior representation. [Think this goes without saying]

Thank you for your time and effort,
NAME

Thanks again to MedrekWrites!

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Art: Connecticut River Valley, Claremont, New Hampshire by Albert Bierstadt