Try not to switch POVs midstream in a query (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to MaryDuquette, whose query is below.

Dear —,

I am seeking representation for my completed 70,000-word novel, And That Divine Eye.

This is what I remember: the gray field. The wind. The rain. The river. Nothing at all.

The tornado that presumably killed Georgia’s entire household rescued her, setting her down gently in the grass miles away. She was just a baby then, and she hasn’t spoken since. Now fifteen, Georgia is dangerously drawn to the hurricanes that pass through the coastal New Hampshire town where she lives with her Aunt Bridger and Uncle Joey.

She writes letters to her late mother about pyramids, the moon, Bach, and Ben—the older intern whose attention she doesn’t quite understand. Bridger and Joey struggle with whether finally enrolling her in school would bring her much-needed socialization or simply create opportunities for her to be exploited. When a well-hidden secret about Georgia’s mother is revealed, Georgia sets off alone to discover the truth about her past—and whether she is able to forgive. Her disappearance brings Bridger and Joey’s failing marriage and loss of a child to the forefront. And as Georgia flies farther from Bridger and Joey’s protection, they all must face the losses and loves that have shaped them.

A story that celebrates the wonder and divinity in the mundane, And That Divine Eye might be shelved with books such as Sing, Unburied, Sing by Jesmyn Ward, Where’d You Go, Bernadette? by Maria Semple, Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty, and The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd.

My work has been published in Epiphany, Ginosko Literary Magazine, and The Good Life Review, as well as the pulp fiction anthology Murder Ink 3 (Plaidswede Publishing). I earned my MFA in Writing, with a concentration in Fiction, from the University of New Hampshire, where I won the Dawkins Prize for my short story collection. I am a member of the New Hampshire Writers’ Project.

Please find the first few chapters pasted in this message below, per your submission requirements. Thank you for reading and I look forward to hearing from you.

I’m intrigued by this premise, but there are two main problems with the approach here:

First, this query is Exhibit A for why you shouldn’t worry about spoilers in a query letter and instead just be specific about what happens. I have seen some formulation of “A secret is revealed” in queries seriously thousands of times over the course of my career and each one tells me the same thing: pretty much nothing. With that weak foundation, it’s unclear what Georgia must forgive and what she actually has to do as the novel heads toward the climax.

Secondly, even if a query has multiple perspectives, it’s jarring to switch gears to different POVs midway through a query. Here, we suddenly veer over to Bridger and Joey. It’s confusing to have to change how we contextualize the plot midstream. And, also, they don’t really seem like they’re doing that much that’s interesting or crucial to the plot (deciding whether or not to send her to school doesn’t sound like a scintillating plot line). If I were in the author’s shoes, I’d just stick with Georgia and frame the plot from her perspective.

Don’t worry about spoilers. Crystalize the plot and help us understand Georgia’s “quest” with much greater specificity.

Here’s my redline:

Dear —,

[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually] I am seeking representation for my completed 70,000-word [GENRE] novel, And That Divine Eye.

This is what I remember: the gray field. The wind. The rain. The river. Nothing at all. [I don’t understand what this is]

The tornado that presumably Georgia thinks killed Georgia’s her entire household rescued her, setting her down gently in the grass miles away. She was just a baby then, and she hasn’t spoken since. Now fifteen, Georgia is dangerously drawn to the hurricanes that pass through the coastal New Hampshire town where she lives with her Aunt Bridger and Uncle Joey.

She writes letters to her late mother about pyramids, the moon, Bach, and Ben—, the older intern whose attention she doesn’t quite understand. Bridger and Joey struggle with whether finally enrolling her in school would bring her much-needed socialization or simply create opportunities for her to be exploited. When a well-hidden secret about Georgia’s mother is revealed [Shaking my fist at the sky. Don’t worry about spoilers and be more specific], Georgia sets off alone to discover the truth about her past [What about it?]—and whether she is able to forgive [Forgive what?]. Her disappearance brings Bridger and Joey’s failing marriage and loss of a child to the forefront [Clunky and vague writing]. And as Georgia flies farther from Bridger and Joey’s protection, they all must face the losses and loves that have shaped them. [I don’t understand what it means to “face the losses and loves that have shaped them”]

A story that celebrates the wonder and divinity in the mundane, [Should be made apparent by the plot description] And That Divine Eye might be shelved with books such as Sing, Unburied, Sing by Jesmyn Ward, Where’d You Go, Bernadette? by Maria Semple, Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty, and The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. [I’m not sure I’m grasping how these comps fit together]

My work has been published in Epiphany, Ginosko Literary Magazine, and The Good Life Review, as well as the pulp fiction anthology Murder Ink 3 (Plaidswede Publishing). I earned my MFA in Writing, with a concentration in Fiction, from the University of New Hampshire, where I won the Dawkins Prize for my short story collection. I am a member of the New Hampshire Writers’ Project.

Please find the first few chapters pasted in this message below, per your submission requirements. Thank you for reading and I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks again to MaryDuquette!

Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!

For my best advice, check out my online classes, my guide to writing a novel and my guide to publishing a book.

And if you like this post: subscribe to my newsletter!

Art: Tornado by Thomas Cole