If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in our discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to learn, whose page is below:
Sonia headed to The Club in the dark, her red scarf tightened against the cold March wind. She assumed that no one would be there to bother her after curfew.
The room was barely lit. She liked playing piano in the dark and she didn’t have sheet music to read anyway.
After about an hour of playing parts of the Second Liszt Concerto and humming the orchestra, she lowered the piano cover. She would have played longer, but after standing a full day in the kitchen and working at the school, her ankle had been bothering her, and now it was hurting quite badly. She took the felt boot off. It had rubbed against the bandage she was wearing, and it oozed.
As she put the boot back on, she felt a presence in the room. Peering through the darkness, she saw a man seated a few feet away from her with the chair’s back rest in front of him. He smiled at her as if he’d been there for some time.
She was glad that the dim light kept him from seeing her blush. Who was he? And why was he here to intrude on her time? She limped towards the chair where she had left her coat. From there, she could see him better, and now, she remembered, it was the handsome man she had seen at the school the day she visited her students after the kitchen accident. She remembered thinking that she wanted to see his eyes.
Many readers would read this page and think it’s perfectly fine. We have a character doing something reasonably interesting right off the bat (sneaking into a club to play the piano), and there’s a mystery right away when a mysterious man shows up.
I just can’t help but see all the missed opportunities.
First, the physical description in the opening paragraphs could be so much more vivid and specific. We aren’t given any details that help us feel like we’re in any particular place, and there’s nothing to draw us in or make us feel anything. The room Sonia plays in isn’t described at all. Even the club’s name is The Club. It’s as generic as it gets.
We’re missing motivations and context that would help open up the broader story. Why does Sonia need to practice and what’s at stake in it? What kitchen had she been standing in? What does she do at the school?
And the encounter with the mysterious man ended up feeling very forced to me. She didn’t notice him when he was “a few feet away?” That’s really close! She has to walk away from him in order to see him more clearly? Does she have severe far-sighted vision or something?
When we do get some context, it arrives in a vague and convoluted jumble:
it was the handsome man she had seen at the school the day she visited her students after the kitchen accident. She remembered thinking that she wanted to see his eyes.
Her students? Kitchen accident? Why wasn’t she able to see his eyes the first time around?
I didn’t find these elements mysterious in an intriguing way, more just bewildering.
Nearly every sentence has a missed opportunity to open up more of the story. Where are we entirely? What do our surroundings look like and what is Sonia noticing in them? Why is she doing what she’s doing and why does it matter to her? What’s the context that might help us understand her work and the school?
All doesn’t have to be revealed right off the bat, but it pays to be vivid from the start.
Here’s my redline:
Sonia headed to The Club in the dark [missed opportunity to be more unique/vivid], her red scarf tightened against the cold March wind. She assumed that no one would be there to bother her [Missed opportunity to be more specific. Who does she imagine might bother her otherwise?] after curfew.
The room was barely lit [Vague and flat. Help us visualize the overall space]. She liked playing piano in the dark and she didn’t have sheet music to read anyway. [Missed opportunity to establish more of what’s at stake in her practicing]
After about an hour
ofplayingparts ofthe Second Liszt Concerto and humming the orchestra, she lowered the piano cover. She would have played longer, but after standing a full day in the kitchen [Missed opportunity to be more specific. What kitchen?] and working at the school [Missed opportunity. What school?], her anklehad been bothering her, and now it washurtingquite badly. She tooktheher felt boot off. It had rubbed againsttheher bandageshe was wearing,and itwhich oozed.As she put the boot back on, she felt a presence in the room.
PeeringShe peered through the darkness, sheand saw a man seated a few feet away from her with the chair’s back rest in front of him [A few feet? That’s really close? Struggling to visualize this]. He smiled at her as if he’d been there for some time. [Good detail, but missed opportunity to describe him with more specificity and individuality] It was the handsome man she’d seen at the school on the day she visited her students after the [BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHATEVER ACCIDENT IS BEING REFERRED TO].She was glad that the dim light kept him from seeing her blush [Convoluted thinking, and I’m not believing the blush]. Who was he? And why was he here to intrude on her time? [I’m confused how this is “her time” when she seems to have snuck in?] She limped towards the chair where she had left her coat. From there, she could see him better [She could see him better than when he was a few feet away from her? I’m confused], and now, she remembered, it was the handsome man she had seen at the school the day she visited her students after the kitchen accident [Convoluted]. She remembered thinking that she wanted to see his eyes. [I’m not grasping this thought. Why was she prevented in the past from seeing his eyes?]
Thanks again to learn!
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Art: Das alte Klavier by Carl Leopold Voss
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