If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Gary Behm, whose query is below.
Dear (Agent name),
On your website and Manuscript Wish List I saw that you like historical fiction that has a different angle. I’ve written a historical novel that might make us a good fit.
I like to think that enemies are human, or at least not all of them are monsters. Scattered across the United States during World War II were over 360,000 German prisoners of war. Kept in 150 base camps, and wanting out, they made numerous escape attempts. My 81,000 word story, UNDER THE WIRE, is based on the true event that at Camp Trinidad, Colorado, prisoners escaped through a tunnel. I realize World War II has been largely covered, but this remarkable aspect of German POWs has been largely overlooked.
German prisoner of war officer Captain Martin Beyer has a fear of suffocating when he’s enclosed, the prison camp much too confining for him. His distress comes from a traumatic incident during the war in North Africa, and fuels his desperation to escape. To get out, a tunnel is dug from his barracks to beyond the wire fence. Besides having problems avoiding discovery, Beyer is in conflict with the ardent Nazis who rule the camp inside, which their ideology jeopardizes the tunnel completion. But by sheer resolve Beyer manages the escape.
On the outside two women aid the escapees by providing a car in a run for the Mexican border. Traveling through rural New Mexico, they experience the American home front, acquire more food and gas by robbing, get past roadblocks, and shoot down a surveillance plane. In pursuit are camp guards and FBI agents, both with their own need to recapture the prisoners. Captain Beyer, however, despite having trouble eluding them, will not give up. He would rather be killed than go back.
I’ve had articles and short stories published in magazines, and I have a bachelor’s degree in philosophy from a state university. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Gary Behm
The novelty of a novel’s premise does not matter particularly much.
Yes, agents often like high concept hooks, and if you’re writing in a very crowded genre, like World War II novels, it’s particularly important to know where your novel fits within the marketplace. But by far the most important thing an agent wants to know about a novel is whether it’s a good story or not. So start there.
Apart from that, I found the writing in the plot description extremely clunky. For example:
acquire more food and gas by robbing
Shouldn’t this just be…
steal food and gas
Make sure you always read your query out loud to catch missing words and convoluted phrases.
The plot description also relies too much on vague and passive phrases that don’t really tell us enough about Beyer’s story. Remember to be as specific and precise as possible as you’re summarizing. Lastly, I think there’s a lot more that can be done to be vivid describing exciting events (such as the escape) in order to better immerse the reader in the story.
Here’s my redline:
Dear (Agent name),
On your website and Manuscript Wish List I saw that you like historical fiction that has a different angle. I’ve written a historical novel that might make us a good fit.
I like to think that enemies are human, or at least not all of them are monsters. Scattered across the United States during World War II were over 360,000 German prisoners of war. Kept in 150 base camps, and wanting out, they made numerous escape attempts. My 81,000 word story, UNDER THE WIRE, is based on the true event that at Camp Trinidad, Colorado, prisoners escaped through a tunnel. I realize World War II has been largely covered, but this remarkable aspect of German POWs has been largely overlooked.German prisoner of war
officerCaptain Martin Beyer has a fear of suffocating when he’s enclosed from a [INSERT SPECIFIC INCIDENT] during the war in North Africa ,theand his prison camp in Camp Trinidad, Colorado is much too confiningfor him. His distress comes from a traumatic incident during the war in North Africa, and fuels his desperation to escape.To get out,He’s desperate to escape, and [INSERT WHO DIGS] digs a tunnelis dugfrom his barracks to beyond the wire fence. Besides having problems avoiding discovery [Very vague and clunky writing], Beyer is in conflict with the ardent Nazis who rule the prisonerscamp inside,whichand their ideology jeopardizes the tunnelcompletion[Vague and clunky. What actually happens that jeopardizes the tunnel?]. But by sheer resolve, Beyer managestheto escape [This could be more specific and vivid] with [INSERT WHO HE ESCAPES WITH].On the outside, two women [who are they?]
aid the escapees by providingprovide a carinfor a run for the Mexican border.Traveling throughIn rural New Mexico, they flee guards and FBI agents and experience the American home front [Vague. What actually happens here?],acquire moresteal food and gasby robbing, get past roadblocks, and shoot down a surveillance plane.In pursuit are camp guards and FBI agents, both with their own need to recapture the prisoners.Captain Beyer, however, despite having trouble eluding them, will not give up. Hewould rather be killed than go back.My 81,000 word [genre] novel UNDER THE WIRE is based on a true event at Camp Trinidad, where prisoners escaped through a tunnel. Over 360,000 German prisoners of war were kept in 150 base camps during World War II and made numerous escape attempts, which has largely been overlooked.
I’ve had articles and short stories published in magazines such as [name one or two], and I have a bachelor’s degree in philosophy from a state university [Why so vague? I find this a little odd]. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Gary Behm
Thanks again to Gary!
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Art: Landscape, New Mexico – Marsden Hartley
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The “ardent Nazis” line confused me too. As a German officer in WW2, isn’t Captain Beyer also a Nazi? It wasn’t clear to me whether this was referring to other Nazi prisoners (implying that Beyer is not a Nazi somehow?) or a metaphor for the Americans who ran the camp “like Nazis” (which strikes me as potentially tone deaf).
Based on the assumption that Beyer is a Nazi, my main concern with the novel would be that it portrays Nazis as sympathetic. Because of that, I feel like Beyer’s relationship with his commanding officers and the Nazi ethos in general should be addressed in the query.
I agree. If the book was about the people who hunted the escaped Nazis, I could understand why the story needs to be told. But I can’t see anyone relating to Nazi prisoners and the sympathizers who helped them escape.
I’m curious …
The query hinted at the story giving a different look into the main character, revealing a depth of character that readers could root for despite his past deeds, “I like to think that enemies are human, or at least not all of them are monsters.” However, what follows are all criminal actions. What makes the reader sympathize with the “enemy”?