The two key fundamentals of plot descriptions (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to emilylong, whose query is below.

Dear Agent ,

According to your website, you are actively seeking Young Adult fiction, which gives me the pleasure to introduce my debut novel, The Girl with Violet Eyes.

The day Grace Parker turns eighteen her whole life changes drastically. Forced out of the comfort of her mundane life, Grace is thrust into the world of the supernatural; discovering in the process that she isn’t even human. Taken under the protection of the clan of werecats that reside near Grace’s hometown, the truth about the world is revealed to her.

Grace soon learns that she is being targeted by a pack of werewolves that have plans to kill her. Her death will cause Ragnarök, the end of the world- decimating the entire werecat species. Centuries long enemies, eliminating the werecat population will give wolves the ability to prosper under the reign of their god, Fenrir.

Torn between love and the law, will Grace be able to save herself or will the distractions she faces cause the end for not only her- but for everyone?

This story, set-in small-town Virginia, runs approximately 117,000 words and is similar in tone to Cassandra Clare’s Mortal Instruments series.

My name is Emily Long, and I am a 23 year old veterinary student currently living in London, UK. Originally from New Braunfels, Texas, I graduated from Texas A&M University in 2020 with a degree in Animal Science. I have dreamed of being an author since I was a little girl, and that aspiration was revived during the March 2020 quarantine period. I fell back in love with reading during this time, which in turn inspired me to write again. Unable to choose between books and animals, I aspire to be able to combine them. British author James Herriot motivated me to pursue each of my dreams.

Thank you very much for your time.

Long time readers of my query critiques can probably spot the issues here straightaway. “whole life changes drastically” and “forced out of the comfort of her mundane life” are about as vague as it gets. What do those phrases actually tell us? Something is happening, but we the readers are not given sufficient information to be able to understand what that something is. It’s certainly not a vivid first impression that engages us with a unique story from the get-go.

Two key fundamentals of crafting a strong plot description are missing in this query: There isn’t enough specificity to help us understand what is actually happening in the underlying narrative, and there are lots of missed opportunities to weave in more voice to give us a sense of what Grace is like as a character.

Ultimately, I come away from this query understanding that it involves werecats and werewolves fighting and something to do with the end of the world, and… that’s about it. I don’t understand Grace’s quest, what she ultimately has to do, and what makes the world of this novel unique.

Don’t worry about spoilers. Be very precise about what’s happening. Make sure the reader has enough information to understand the choices the protagonist faces and what’s ultimately at stake.

Also, for novelists, what you choose to include in the bio section is largely up to you, but if there’s one thing that made my eyes glaze over when I was a literary agent, it was when authors told me how much they like to write or when they decided they wanted to be a writer. Every single person who queries an agent likes to write, so it kind of goes without saying.

Here’s my redline.

Dear Agent ,

According to your website, you are actively seeking Young Adult fiction, which gives me the pleasure to introduce my debut novel, The Girl with Violet Eyes. [This may just be a placeholder, but the personalization needs to be more specific than this]

The day Grace Parker turns eighteen her whole life changes drastically [Too vague. Show this. Be more specific]. Forced out of the comfort of her mundane life [Overly diagnostic and a missed opportunity to weave in voice. How would Grace describe her life?], Grace is thrust into the world of the supernatural [Passive voice. Vague. Be more specific. Tell us what is actually happening in the narrative]; discovering in the process that she isn’t even human. Taken under the protection of the clan of werecats that reside near Grace’s hometown [I’m confused, how did this happen?], the truth about the world is revealed to her [Extremely vague. What truth? Who reveals it? Don’t worry about spoilers and be specific].

Grace soon learns that she is being targeted [Targeted how?] by a pack of werewolves that have plans to kill her. Her death will to cause Ragnarök, the end of the world–, decimating and decimate the entire werecat species. Centuries long enemies, eliminating the werecat population will give wolves the ability to prosper under the reign of their god, Fenrir. [Extremely convoluted. Read this out loud and rewrite]

Torn between love and the law [I don’t understand this, what love? What law?], will Grace be able to save herself or will the distractions she faces cause the end for not only her- but for everyone? [Because the underpinnings of plot description are so vague, I don’t really understand the final choice she’s making here or who “everyone” is even referring to]

This story, set-in small-town Virginia [If it’s important that the novel is set in small town Virginia it should be woven into the plot description, not smushed into the “nuts and bolts” section of the query], The Girl With Violet Eyes runs approximately 117,000 words [117,000 words is very long for a YA debut] and is similar in tone to [tone isn’t as important for comps as the market] will appeal to readers of Cassandra Clare’s Mortal Instruments series.

My name is Emily Long, and [Presumably the email came from you so not sure this needs to be in the bio] I am a 23 year old veterinary student currently living in London, UK. Originally from New Braunfels, Texas, I graduated from Texas A&M University in 2020 with a degree in Animal Science. I have dreamed of being an author since I was a little girl, and that aspiration was revived during the March 2020 quarantine period. I fell back in love with reading during this time, which in turn inspired me to write again. [Bios can largely contain whatever you want the agent to know about you, but why you decided to write risks making their eyes glaze over. Everyone who queries an agent decided they aspired to write at some point] Unable to choose between books and animals, I aspire to be able to combine them. British author James Herriot motivated me to pursue each of my dreams.

Thank you very much for your time.

Thanks again to emilylong!

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Art: Les Lupins by Maurice Sand