If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to katemargaret, whose query is below.
Dear [AGENT],
Smart and sensible Everly Peris couldn’t fathom a world where magick exists, but when a twist of fate brings her to the realm of Empyriam, everything she knows about her life is turned upside down. After meeting Noa Berrie, a budding scholar, she discovers her own connection to this world, the shocking truth about her past, and magickal power she possesses. As a frightening conspiracy begins to reveal itself, the lives of these two teenagers are irrevocably intertwined as they are thrust into a dangerous game of cat-and-mouse.
With the help of Blu, an incredibly skilled magist, and Psylor, a rambunctious faeyad, Noa and Everly navigate a whirlwind of deceptions and secrets while battling against the sinister forces that threaten to destroy Empyriam. When Everly is left without a shred of hope for her own survival, they each must shatter the bounds of their limitations and put the strength of their character to the test.
Can Everly embrace her newfound powers and save the realm? Or will Empyriam be forever marred by darkness and destruction?
THE EMPYRIAM CHRONICLES, complete at approximately 88,000 words, is the first book in a planned series for YA fantasy enthusiasts. At the forefront of this compelling story, the past and present collide and the mysteries of Empyriam begin to unravel, transporting both the reader and the characters into a world of magickal intrigue and adventure.
This is my first novel, which will appeal to your love of “girls who kick ass” with its representation of strong-minded female characters who don’t shy away from danger and definitely don’t mind getting their hands dirty!
Thank you for your time and consideration,
This query reads smoothly and the plot description is structured well, but it’s an almost textbook example of what happens when you stick to extremely vague phrases and cliches instead of honing in on more specific phrases that actually tell us what’s happening. After reading this query I can tell the author is a smooth writer, but I have absolutely no idea what’s actually happening in this novel. Or what makes it unique from every other fantasy novel where there are dark forces sweeping the realm.
Authors often feel that they have to stick to this zoomed out level of detail because there are only so many words you can use in a query letter, or perhaps because they’re worried about spoiling surprises. That’s misguided. Don’t worry about spoilers in a query letter. And “She discovers the magickal power she possess” and “She discovers she can make cats levitate” are the same number of words, but one is way more vivid and specific than the other.
You gotta be specific. Avoid cliches like the plague (see what I did there) not only because they’re cliches, but because they’re invariably missed opportunities to be tangible and unique.
If every vague phrase in this query were replaced with what actually happens in the novel we’d have a much keener sense of what happens and what makes the novel unique.
Here’s my redline:
Dear [AGENT],
This isI hope my first novel, whichwill appeal to your love of “girls who kick ass” with its representation of strong-minded female characters who don’t shy away from danger and definitely don’t mind getting their hands dirty! [Lead with the personalization to tip off the agent that you researched them individually]Smart and sensible Everly Peris couldn’t fathom a world where magick exists [missed opportunity to phrase this in a way that adds more voice], but when a twist of fate [be more specific] brings her to the realm of Empyriam, everything she knows about her life is turned upside down [Cliche, and a missed opportunity to weave in more specificity about the story]. After meeting Noa Berrie, a budding scholar, she discovers her own connection to this world [Which is what?], the shocking truth about her past [Which is what?], and magickal power she possesses [Which is what?]. As a frightening conspiracy begins to reveal itself [What conspiracy? How does it reveal itself?], the lives of these two teenagers are irrevocably intertwined [How?] as they are thrust into a dangerous game of cat-and-mouse. [Another cliche, and with whom?]
With the help of Blu, an incredibly skilled magist, and Psylor, a rambunctious faeyad, Noa and Everly navigate a whirlwind of deceptions and secrets [Like what?] while battling against the sinister forces that threaten to destroy Empyriam [What sinister forces? What do they want and how do they manifest themselves?]. When Everly is left without a shred of hope for her own survival [Why? What happens?], they each must shatter the bounds of their limitations [What limitations?] and put the strength of their character to the test [In order to do what?].
Can Everly embrace her newfound powers [Which powers?] and save the realm [From whom?]? Or will Empyriam be forever marred by darkness and destruction? [I still don’t understand who or what the villain is and what Everly actually has to do].
My YA fantasy novel THE EMPYRIAM CHRONICLES
,is complete at approximately 88,000 words, is the first book in aplannedpotential series [I recommend conveying flexibility about series]for YA fantasy enthusiasts. At the forefront of this compelling story [Let the agent be the judge of whether it’s compelling], the past and present collide and the mysteries of Empyriam begin to unravel, transporting both the reader and the characters into a world of magickal intrigue and adventure. [I still don’t really understand what actually happens in this novel]
This is my first novel, which will appeal to your love of “girls who kick ass” with its representation of strong-minded female characters who don’t shy away from danger and definitely don’t mind getting their hands dirty!Thank you for your time and consideration,
Thanks again to katemargaret!
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Art: August Malmström – Dancing Fairies
Reyna Favis says
I noticed much of what needed to be replaced with more specific phrasing was the typical back of the book blurb language. Would you also encourage more specificity for the blurb?
Nathan Bransford says
My advice for jacket copy is similar but slightly different: https://nathanbransford.com/blog/2019/07/how-to-write-good-jacket-copy
Kate Margaret says
Thank you so much for reviewing my query! It’s my first attempt so I had a feeling it would be severely lacking – I was worried a previous version was too detailed but I took way too much out (obviously!). The questions you wrote in the critique are really helpful and as I’m working on a new version I’m constantly checking back to make sure I’m filling all the blanks. Thanks again, I truly appreciate it!!