Raise the stakes at the end of your plot description (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to GBToll, whose query is below.

Dear Mr. Bransford,

I am seeking representation for my 279,000 word historical novel; SHAKTI. Elizabeth Parker Lyons, a vegetarian, atheist, lesbian, Ph.D. candidate in Boston in 2000, is transported to an Imperial train cabin in Patna, India in 1900. While studying the Raj, in Boston, Elizabeth came upon and read the very personal letters of Martha Bagg describing a hellish life being married to a Calcutta Police Officer in the late 1890’s in India. While Elizabeth is trying to deal with British governmental persecution for having no documents, as well social condemnation, and psychological isolation, she is sought after by bored memsahibs hoping for scandalous and salacious details of her unconventional arrival in India.

Elizabeth does not fit what anyone expects of women during the Raj. She is ready to take some of the pompous English men down a peg, but must be careful they do not arrest her for being a suspicious personage without any proof of her bone fides during an era where the Great Game was always afoot.

While under police suspicion, Elizabeth searches for Martha Bagg, wife of a psychopathic English Police officer. If she does not find Martha Bagg, Elizabeth is certain Martha will be killed by her husband who as an English, police officer would escape suspicion, prosecution, imprisonment and justice. Elizabeth feels she must help if she is able.

On my first trip to India in 1976-1977 I lived with native families in Varanasi(Benares) and Chennai(Madras) as well as attending the Khumbh Mela that year in Allahabad. I have also made two subsequent trips to India. My professional life has been spent as a bookseller, in traditional bookstores, then as the sole proprietor of Pro Libris, a book search service. For the last fifteen years I have been a librarian, first as a Public Librarian, now as a Community College Librarian. My sole published piece is The Origin of the Buddhist Flag in The Flag Bulletin in 1981.

My life spent in and around books has allowed me the opportunity to see how books are marketed, and bought, and how they are selected for libraries and enjoyed through the use of library programs. I look forward to helping sell Shakti.

I look forward to hearing from you,

While Elizabeth seems like an interesting central character, I’m afraid there are quite a few red flags in this query letter:

• Long word count. 279,000 words is extremely long for a debut novel, even for historical fiction, which tends to skew a bit longer. A long word count isn’t necessarily a total nonstarter, but it will decrease your odds.

• Confusing and passive opening. The novel hinges on a modern woman seemingly magically transported to 1900s India, an event that is described in the flattest and vaguest way possible: “is transported.” Is that really how you want to capture such a momentous event?

• Flat and vague psychological diagnoses. It’s difficult to understand what Elizabeth’s life in India is like because rather than tangible events unfolding, we instead get zoomed out and abstract psychological diagnoses like “social condemnation” and “psychological isolation.” What is actually happening here?

• A limp closing line to the plot summary. The plot description ends with what essentially feels like a shrug, where Elizabeth is going to help a woman not get murdered, “if she’s able.” It doesn’t convey urgency or stakes, not to mention… is Elizabeth trying at all to get home? Has she just given up on that? The last line is a chance to make the “spine” of the plot feel gripping. Think a great deal about the closing impression you’re giving the agent. Raise the stakes for the character and try to give a sense of what happens if they succeed or fail.

• Insufficient voice. I like some of the details we get about Elizabeth at the outset, but after that I’m not really seeing much of her voice woven through the query letter.

• A sloppy bio with superfluous details. An agent is overwhelmingly going to be focused on the plot description, and there’s little you can really mess up in your query bio. Unless that bio is written in a sloppy way, as it is here. Also, there’s no need to “prove” you have the background to write a novel or that you understand how book marketing works. If you have a serious competitive advantage when it comes to marketing (like a massive social media following or popular podcast) by all means mention that, but agents mostly just want to know if you have written a good novel.

Queries are definitely tricky, particularly for novels with a bit of a complicated setup. But the approach to this query letter (and possibly the underlying novel) feels like it could use a rethink.

Here’s my redline:

Dear Mr. Bransford,

[Include a personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]. I am seeking representation for my 279,000 word historical novel;, SHAKTI [279,000 words is enormously long for a debut. Does it really need to be this long?].

¶Elizabeth Parker Lyons, a vegetarian, atheist, lesbian, Ph.D. candidate studying the British Raj in Boston in 2000, comes across very personal letters by Martha Bagg describing a hellish life being married to a Calcutta Police Officer in the 1890s. Elizabeth is transported to an Imperial train cabin in Patna, India in 1900 [Because this is described in a vague and passive way I’m confused how literally to take this. How is she transported?]. While studying the Raj, in Boston, Elizabeth came upon and read the very personal letters of Martha Bagg describing a hellish life being married to a Calcutta Police Officer in the late 1890’s in India. [This feels like a micro-flashback? Err on the side of describing the events in chronological order] While Elizabeth is trying to must deal with British governmental persecution [“Persecution” feels like the wrong word choice? What is actually happening here?] for having no documents, as well social condemnation, and psychological isolation, [Be more specific and avoid psychological diagnoses. What is literally meant by “social condemnation” and “psychological isolation”] she is sought after by bored memsahibs hoping for scandalous and salacious details of her unconventional arrival in India.

Elizabeth does not fit what anyone expects of women during the Raj [Be more specific about how this plays out in the novel]. She is ready to take some of the pompous English men down a peg, but must be careful they do not arrest her for being a suspicious personage without any proof of her bone fides during an era where the Great Game was always afoot. While under police suspicion, Elizabeth searches for Martha Bagg, wife of a psychopathic English Police officer [You already explained who she is]. If she does not find Martha Bagg, Elizabeth is certain Martha will be killed by her husband, who as an English, police officer, would escape suspicion, prosecution, imprisonment and justice. Elizabeth feels she must help if she is able. [Extremely flat last line of the plot description. Insufficient urgency or stakes]

On my first trip to India in 1976-1977 I lived with native families in Varanasi (Benares) and Chennai (Madras) as well as attending and attended the Khumbh Mela that year in Allahabad. I have also made two subsequent trips to India. My professional life has been spent as a bookseller, in traditional bookstores, then as the sole proprietor of Pro Libris, a book search service. For the last fifteen years I have been a librarian, first as a Public Librarian, now as a Community College Librarian. My sole published piece is The Origin of the Buddhist Flag in The Flag Bulletin in 1981. [This doesn’t feel relevant, and for a novel, you don’t need publishing credits]

My life spent in and around books has allowed me the opportunity to see how books are marketed, and bought, and how they are selected for libraries and enjoyed through the use of library programs. I look forward to helping sell Shakti. [This doesn’t feel additive]

I look forward to hearing from you,

Thanks again to GBToll!

Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!

For my best advice, check out my online classes (NEW!), my guide to writing a novel and my guide to publishing a book.

And if you like this post: subscribe to my newsletter!

Art: Main street of Patna by Sita Ram