If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Neil Larkins, whose query is below.
Dear [Agent name]
I’ve seen several books you have represented and you indicate that you welcome memoir. Following is a query for my double memoir, The Last Time You Fall: Three Weeks When Love Meant Everything and Acceptance Meant More. This is a double memoir, so also features the words of Teresa, told in vignettes and reminiscences by “Me” or “Her.”
It began amid a critical period in my life, September, 1964 at a college dance where I met a cute, blonde Coed. After a rocky start – I was smitten by her looks and smile; she loathed me – we became an item. From there our lives intertwined and traveled in parallel while we attended classes, wrangled precious time together, and learned about love and acceptance. Love, because we wanted it. Acceptance, because we needed it, especially Teresa. Born handicapped by cerebral palsy, she’d craved it all her life.
Yet we were very different. I originated from a lower-middle class family, while Teresa was from money and privilege. Our one commonality was that we each loved art, music and dance. We did have similar goals: we both wanted to escape our restricted lives growing up: I aspired to be an architect; Teresa to become a Special Education teacher. There were contrasts: I was naïve in many ways; she disarmingly street smart, savvy – and charming. She was crippled – her word – and I didn’t care; I fell totally in love with everything about her. She felt the same about me and gave her best advice to polish the “sterling character” she said I had.
All this was out in the open to us both and by week three I was ready to ask her to marry me.
Yet everything was not as it seemed. My life had started to coalesce, while Teresa’s life shredded as threats of expulsion crushed in on her. Teresa hid this deterioration from me and then abruptly cut off our relationship. She timidly confessed that her words and actions had all been a lie, that she’d merely played with me in response to a dare from dormmates. Besides, she was promised to another.What happened after that, what I did and most importantly, what she almost did and why is the rest of the story.
This work is complete at 81,600 words.
Thank you for considering this. Profile for me under separate cover.
This query has an intriguing setup and interesting conflict, and I like the voice that’s brought to bear overall, even though I found elements of the query a tad sloppy. There are some good details like what their hopes and dreams are, even as there are some clunky and nonspecific details like the fact that they loved art, music, and dance. Who doesn’t?
Apart from needing more polish, my main concern with the query is that the last line of the plot description feels more like a confusing wave of the hand rather than being clearer about where the memoir goes from here. Sure, we can probably guess that this memoir continues to be about their relationship, but 1) don’t make an agent guess the story and 2) it’s a missed opportunity to crystalize the “spine” of the plot and provide a sense of where the characters are headed from here.
And yes, I said plot. The “rules” for memoirs and novels are largely the same when it comes to the storytelling and how the memoir is framed in a query letter. So as with a query letter for a novel, make sure to crystalize the story in the last line of the plot description.
Here’s my redline:
Dear [Agent name]
I’ve seen several books you have represented and you indicate that you welcome memoir. [This might just be a placeholder, but personalization should be more specific than this]
Following is a query for my double memoir, The Last Time You Fall: Three Weeks When Love Meant Everything and Acceptance Meant More. This is a double memoir, so also features the words of Teresa, told in vignettes and reminiscences by “Me” or “Her.”[I would put this at the end rather than leading with it]It began
amid a critical periodinmy life[Either be more specific about what made it critical or leave out (it kind of goes without saying that college is formative if that’s all it’s referring to)],September, 1964 at a college dance where I met a cute,blondeCcoed. After a rocky start – I was smitten by her looks and smile;, she loathed me – we became an item.From there oOur lives intertwinedand traveled in parallelwhile we attended classes, wrangled precious time together, and learned aboutlove andacceptance.Love, because we wanted it. Acceptance, because we needed it, especiallyTeresa. Bwas born handicapped by cerebral palsy,and she’d craved it all her life.Yet we were very different. I originated from a lower-middle class family, while Teresa was from money and privilege. Our
onecommonality was that weeachloved art, music and dance [This doesn’t feel very notable or individualized? Doesn’t pretty much everyone?].We did have similar goals: wWe both wanted to escapeourthe restricted lives growing up: I aspired to be an architect;, Teresa to become a Special Education teacher.There were contrasts:I was naïve in many ways; she disarmingly street smart, savvy–and charming. She was “crippled“ – her word – and I didn’t care;. I fell totally in love with everything about her. She felt the same about me and gave her best advice to polish the “sterling character” she said I had.
All this was out in the open to us both and bBy week three I was ready to ask her to marry me.
Yet everything was not as it seemed. My life had started to coalesce, while Teresa’s life shredded as threats of expulsion crushed in on her. Teresa hid this deterioration from me and then abruptly cut off our relationship. She timidly confessed that her words and actions had all been a lie, that she’d merely played with me in response to a dare from dorm mates. Besides, she was promised to another.What happened after that, what I did and most importantly, what she almost did and why is the rest of the story. [Missed opportunity to crystalize the “quest” of the memoir more clearly. What comprises the plot? Is it solely about their relationship or does it encompass other elements?]
This workMy memoir THE LAST TIME YOU FALL [I would eliminate the extremely long subtitle] is complete at 81,600 words. It’s a double memoir, so it also features Teresa’s words in vignettes and memories.Thank you for considering this. Profile for me under separate cover. [Unless the agent specifically asks for a bio attached separately you should it include it in the query letter]
Thanks again to Neil Larkins!
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Art: Thomas Malton the Younger – High Street, Oxford
Neil Larkins says
Thanks for critiquing this, Nathan. It almost didn’t make the cut. I intended to revise it, then three months ago was hit with debilitating back pain that has made writing difficult. I was at the point of deleting the thing when you chose it. Glad now for the delay. Your suggestions are very helpful.
p.s. I’m close to getting this pain under control. It’s been a long and difficult journey. Your posts have been a great diversion while adding to my library of learning. Keep it up!
Wendy says
This promises to be a great story a wonderful read, with a few unexpected twists and turns. But, even more importantly, I feel this story will be an inspiration and learning experience during the dark days to come..
Tara says
What dark days?
Nathan Bransford says
Hope you feel better soon!
ReTx says
I have a thought I wanted to add that I hope doesn’t come off the wrong way… I’m not a wild feminist by any means, but I found an aspect of this query very much off-putting as a woman.
As I read through the query, my thought was that this was clearly a man writing because although the story is supposed to be from both of their points-of-view, the woman is *always* described in terms of the man’s needs/experience. For example: “she was disarmingly street smart, savvy – and charming.” Who was she disarming toward? Him, right? Or the next sentence: “She was “crippled“ – her word – and I didn’t care” The high moment of that sentence, the climax, is that he doesn’t care she’s crippled. So his feelings on the matter are what is most important and (heavily implied) look how generous of a guy he is for overlooking her disability. I’ll stop there, but I could go on.
This is definitely all fixable and likely unintentional (writing queries is HARD). At the same time, I felt like I should mention it as it does come off as a highly sexist narrator that for me (at least, other women might feel differently) is a hard no.
Neil Larkins says
Thanks for your input, ReTx. I understand where you’re coming from. Only offering my POV was one of the problems I had with this thing (yes, query writing is hard!). The additional problem: length. Originally I included Teresa’s POV, like in the story (she gets to say more than I do) but that version was already so long that I cut it short with that “the rest of the story” ending. I’ve written several more versions and am still unable to bring the WC down to an acceptable number, The brain fog I have due to these pain meds don’t make it any easier. I even wrote one like a non-fiction proposal. It was 1500 words.
BTW, if it seems odd that I am the only one responding here, that’s because Teresa passed away in 1997 from breast cancer. She always wanted to write her story but didn’t get the chance. So my original intent was to write it for her. She told me what her life was like before we met so many times and in so much detail that I knew it as well as my own. In the end I had to rely on my memory. She’d written down quite a lot in 6 spiral notebooks but tore up all but one before she died. Even that one was hard to read. She had poor handwriting, which she readily admitted to, and dyslexia. That’s one of the reasons it’s taken me over twenty years to finish this project. But I’m determined to see it through.