If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Juliealeon, whose query is below.
Dear Ms. Ageny
I’m reaching out to you because we met briefly at the **** SCBWI Conference when you and ******* were promoting ************. It’s such an entertaining, beautiful book and I loved your vision with the story’s potential.
Similar in style , I’m hoping you might be interested in taking a look at my debut MG fantasy, The Dreamseeker. (Side note- it’s been 10 years because I’ve been focusing on motherhood.)When strange things start happening in her sleepy, countryside parish, 12-year-old Sophie Harker wonders why she’s the only one noticing. Everyone is forgetting things, from what they were just doing- to more importantly- the kingdom’s royal family! Even her own adoptive parents are affected. And no one, but her, seems to care that all of the children have also suddenly disappeared! After learning the kingdom is under an evil curse of forgetfulness and that she might be the one prophesied to break the curse and save The Royals, Sophie must embark on a heart-led quest, traveling on foot by day, and through the dream realm at night. With a little bit of hope, a smidge of magic, and some unexpected help from really high places, she might just do it…and perhaps, find out who she really is along the way.
The Dreamseeker is 59,000 words and stands alone as a debut novel. I’m currently doing research for my next book with series potential. I pursued writing as a hobby in college, but focused on Communications and non-profit work until recently.
I’d be delighted if you would consider The Dreamseeker for representation. Thank you very much, and hope to talk to you soon.
If I have one dream with this blog, it’s to convey just how important it is that people be specific with their plot descriptions in query letters.
Summarize through specificity. Don’t make your first impression something vague like “strange things start happening,” which can mean almost anything, tell us the specific strange things are happening. Engage us with the elements of your story that are unique.
I like that this query has an engaging voice, but the plot description feels a bit jumbled to me and that first initial vague first impression makes it confusing when all of a sudden we learn that all of the children in the parish have disappeared. Except, presumably, for Sophie? And we know Sophie has to go on a journey to break a curse, but what does she actually have to do? How does she learn there’s a curse? Who enacted the curse and who or what does Sophie have to defeat? There’s just too much that’s vague.
The plot description is everything in a query. Really focus on making those two-three paragraphs pop. And the way to do that is to swap out your vague phrases with the specific things that are actually happening in the novel.
Here’s my redline:
Dear Ms. Ageny
I’m reaching out to you because we met briefly at the **** SCBWI Conference when you and ******* were promoting ************. It’s such an entertaining, beautiful book and I loved your vision with the story’s potential.
Similar in style ,I’m hoping you might be interested in taking a look at my debut MG fantasy, The Dreamseeker. (Side note- it’s been 10 years because I’ve been focusing on motherhood.) [This personalization is fine but feels a bit long, I’d tighten up to keep the focus on the plot description]When
strange things start happeningthe villagers in her sleepy, countryside parish [insert where we are] start forgetting things and all of the children disappear, 12-year-old Sophie Harker wonders why she’s the only onenoticingwho notices.Everyone is forgetting things, from what they were just doing- to more importantly- the kingdom’s royal family![I’m confused, they’re forgetting that they have a royal family or the royal family is forgetting too?] Even her own adoptive parents are affected. [I would assume so, if “everyone” is forgetting things? But make “are affected” more specific and vivid?]And no one, but her, seems to care that all of the children have also suddenly disappeared!¶
After learning[Insert how Sophie learns about the curse] Sophie learns that the kingdom is under an evil curse of forgetfulness and that she might be the one prophesied to breakthe curseit and save The Royals. [Who are “The Royals?” The royal family or someone else?],. Sophie must embark on a heart-led quest, traveling on foot by day, and through the dream realm at night [Insert what Sophie actually has to do to break the curse and what she’s up against]. With a little bit of hope, a smidge of magic, and some unexpected help from really high places, she might just do it…and perhaps, find out who she really is along the way. [Be more specific. What about “who she really is?” What is she need to learn? Don’t worry about spoilers]The Dreamseeker is a debut 59,000 word
smiddle grade fantasy novelandthat stands aloneas a debut novel. I’m currently doing research for my next book withbut has series potential. I pursued writing as a hobby in college, but focused on Communications and non-profit work until recently.I’d be delighted if you would consider The Dreamseeker for representation. Thank you very much, and hope to talk to you soon.
Thanks again to Juliealeon!
Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!
For my best advice, check out my online classes, my guide to writing a novel and my guide to publishing a book.
And if you like this post: subscribe to my newsletter!
Art: The Past by Thomas Cole
Leave a Reply