Nathan Bransford | Writing, Book Editing, Publishing

Helping authors achieve their dreams

Don’t make your comps too broad (query critique)

by

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to LeaSloan, whose query is below.

Dear (Name of Agent),

I am seeking representation for my middle-grade fantasy-adventure with a climate theme: THE POLAR BEAR KING. It’s a story with heart and humor that will appeal to kids who love science, magic, adventure and animals, and I hope to you too.

Siblings Pan and Tari are swept into a mission: to save the Polar Bear King. Called upon by their friend and adventure partner, Jasper the invisible purple dog, they magically rocket to the Arctic. The King has set out to find new lands for his animal subjects as the changing climate threatens their way of life. They must find him and persuade him to return, before he drowns or the native hunters find him, and the kingdom loses its beloved leader.

Pan’s a skeptic. How could he help save the King? He can’t even make his parents proud of him. But his sister Tari leaps at every hurdle, sometimes rashly. She’s passionate about saving the animals. Pan thinks the Inuit need to help determine the outcome. Jasper wants to be a worthy mentor and earn his Wizard robe.

They confront escalating challenges. They find a magical muskox horn and call together a quirky animal team. They have to negotiate with the local fishermen but earn the friendship and help of the Inuit Captain’s son, a boy their age. Woven through the story are legends told by the Inuits and the animals that shed light on solving problems they face and using the mystical tools that come their way.

The book is planned as the first of a fantasy-adventure series for kids in the context of a changing climate. My expertise in those areas was enhanced by a decade as head of communications at (–), promoting kids programming that included addressing difficult issues in an entertaining way, and since then with a national environmental nonprofit (—) . I also serve as a volunteer with (—) on their national Forests and Climate Team.

The completed manuscript, 57,800 words, is available upon request. Thank you for considering it.

There are some interesting elements in this book idea (I’m particularly intrigued by this invisible purple dog), but I’m afraid overall the plot summary feels a bit scattered and vague, and I struggled to envision how everything was fitting together. In a query letter with multiple protagonists, it’s helpful to either focus on one or to zoom out a bit and frame the overall plot.

Be as specific as possible with the plot points and in particular avoid very vague placeholders like “they confront escalating challenges,” which can mean almost anything.

As the blog post title indicates, I also wanted to hone in on the comp categories the author provides. First, it’s not necessary to include these, and I generally think it’s more helpful to list a few authors and other book titles in your zone. But even if you decide to include them, these feel extremely, extremely broad: “kids who love science, magic, adventure and animals.” Sooo…. literally every kid? I don’t think that really hones in on a particular market?

Also, I obviously don’t know the author’s full background, but given the inclusion of Native/First Nations mythology and characters and without a specific mention of this being part of the author’s background, I’d highly, highly recommend seeking out feedback to make sure the uses and characterizations aren’t appropriative and that everything is handled with all appropriate sensitivity and care.

Here’s my redline:

Dear (Name of Agent),

I am seeking representation for my middle-grade fantasy-adventure with a climate theme: THE POLAR BEAR KING. It’s a story with heart and humor that will appeal to kids who love science, magic, adventure and animals, and I hope to you too. [Any themes or descriptions like “heart and humor” should just be woven into the plot description so it’s self-evident. And these comp categories are far too broad to be useful.]

Siblings Pan and Tari are swept into called on a mission by their friend and adventure partner, Jasper the invisible purple dog. : to save the Polar Bear King, [King of what? Contextualize what his role is]. Called upon by their friend and adventure partner, Jasper the invisible purple dog, they magically rocket to the Arctic. [The sequence of events here feels jumbled, and I’m struggling to visualize how they “magically rocket”] The Polar Bear King has set out to find new lands for his animal subjects as the changing climate threatens their way of life [Be more specific about the danger and what’s at stake]. They must find him and persuade him to return [return to where?], before he drowns or the native hunters find him, and the kingdom loses its beloved leader.

They magically rocket to the Arctic, but Pan’s a skeptic. How could he help save the King? He can’t even make his parents proud of him [Good stab at voice, but this is a vague example]. But his sister Tari leaps at every hurdle, sometimes rashly. She’s passionate about saving the animals. Pan thinks the Inuit need to help determine the outcome. Jasper wants to be a worthy mentor and earn his Wizard robe. [This paragraph feels scattered and bounces around too much. Try to stick to one perspective or make it clearer what they’re actually trying to do]

They confront escalating challenges [Extremely, extremely vague. Be specific]. They find a magical muskox horn and call together a quirky animal team. They have to negotiate with the local fishermen [Negotiate to do what? What local fisherman] but earn the friendship and help of the Inuit Captain’s son, a boy their age. Woven through the story are legends told by the Inuits and the animals that shed light on solving problems they face and using the mystical tools that come their way. [I’m struggling to understand what the ultimate “quest” is, what the obstacles are, and what tools are being referred to here]

The book is planned as the first of a potential fantasy-adventure series for kids in the context of a changing climate [It’s important to be flexible with series rather than saying it’s “planned.”]. My expertise in those areas was enhanced by [“Expertise” isn’t really necessary for a novel, it just needs to be a good novel] I spent a decade as head of communications at (–), promoting kids programming that included addressing difficult issues in an entertaining way, and since then with a national environmental nonprofit (—) . I also serve as a volunteer with (—) on their national Forests and Climate Team.

The completed manuscript, 57,800 words, is available upon request. Thank you for considering it.

Thanks again to LeaSloan!

Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!

For my best advice, check out my online classes, my guide to writing a novel and my guide to publishing a book.

And if you like this post: subscribe to my newsletter!

Art: The Cold North by John Macallan Swan

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Neil Larkins says

    LeaSloan, you have a good story here and surely better crafted than this query. (Incidentally, I understand how difficult writing query can be. So don’t be put off by my statement.) Your one and only goal with the query is to get the agent as excited about your story as you are. Let him or her know exactly what the kids are after, what obstacles they are up against, and what they must do to get over them. Don’t get caught up in details that keep you from accomplishing that goal. Be clear, be concise. And get it done! Good luck!

  2. Cinthia Ritchie says

    I love the idea of a series of middle-grade books centering on climate change, and an invisible purple dog and a story that revolves around girl power. But …as someone who lives in Alaska and is well aware of the sensitivity around Native topics/issues, the author might want to reconsider the phrases “before the native hunters find him” and “Pan thinks the Inuit need to help determine the outcome.”
    The author needs to be careful of portraying the Native voices and people as compassionate and working hard for climate change within their own cultural means, Because, face it, Native people have been living respectfully with the land for centuries; it’s the rest of us who have messed everything up.
    P.S. Native is always uppercase when referring to Native Americans.
    Good luck with your book, LeaSloan. It sounds like a fun read, and one my son might have enjoyed when he was young.

  3. Kathleen Park says

    “As the blog post title indicates, I also wanted to hone in on the comp categories the author provides.”

    Still not sure whose comment this is, but you, he, or she should know it’s “home in,” not “hone in.” –Kathleen Park, author of The Code Talkers and a monthly column, “Watching Your Language,” for Norman Galaxy of Writers, Norman, OK.