Beware of hollow opening lines (query critique)

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• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to TheSoundAndFury, whose query is below.

Dear Mr./Mrs. Agent’s Last Name,

My name is John, and I’m excited to share my debut novel with you because of your interest in adult science fiction and thrillers. I believe your interest in (MSWL quote) would make my novel a perfect fit. Complete at 86,000 words, NEON FEVER will appeal to fans of Ghost in the Shell, and The Bone Collector.

Kain Forsyth is broken. After an attack while serving a tour off world with the United Offworld Special Forces, Kain finds himself unable to receive any cybernetic enhancements. No new organs, no new limbs, no second chances. His struggles leave him resentful and bitter in a world where everyone and everything is connected via neural implants.

Reckless and hostile, His struggles leave him resentful but Kain finally finds his calling when a hyper-advanced A.I begins to infiltrate the neural network, hijacking the bodies of its victims and forcing them to commit horrible murders. Kain’s illness makes him one of the only people immune to the attacks, but also puts him at a disadvantage against the dangerous semi-robotic citizens the A.I sends after him.

With the help of a talented hacker with a personal tie to the hunt, Kain must put his PTSD and self-loathing aside in order to out smart the killer. As he closes in on the mastermind, Kain discovers this killer might not be seeking vengeance but trying to save the world.

I’m currently a programmer for the State of Florida. My short fiction has been published in Daily Science Fiction. I’ve also had a strong love for everything Science Fiction and I am currently seeking a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing at the University of Central Florida.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This sounds like an interesting plot and I really like the idea of a character whose past trauma and injuries puts him at a simultaneous advantage and disadvantage against the ultimate villain.

I’m afraid though that I see so many first lines in plot descriptions like this one:

“Kain Forsyth is broken.”

It kinda sorta sounds expansive, sets a tone, and it creates a nominal mystery (why is he broken?), but it ultimately feels hollow to me and I feel like there’s less than meets the eye. What does it really tell us? “Broken” can mean almost anything. Rather than leading with what’s unique about the novel or the protagonist, it ends up feeling a bit flat.

Every word matters in a query letter given how few you have to work with. Instead of trying to be evocative in a hollow way, I’d hone in on what really makes your novel unique.

This extends to the rest of the query as well. Don’t worry about spoilers in a query letter and instead open up the world of the novel. Who does Kain have to team up with? What is he ultimately up against? More precision and specificity will help the plot description come alive.

Here’s my redline:

Dear Mr./Mrs. Agent’s Last Name,

My name is John [Do you really need to lead with “my name is John” when they’re most likely receiving this as an email from someone named John?], and I’m excited to share my debut novel with you because of your interest in adult science fiction and thrillers. I believe hope your interest in (MSWL quote) would make my novel a perfect fit [Tastes vary here, but when I was an agent it rankled me a tad when authors asserted that my taste is going to make their novel a perfect fit. Either hedge or just let the agent decide for themselves]. Complete at 86,000 words, NEON FEVER will appeal to fans of Ghost in the Shell, and The Bone Collector [Capitalize or italicize all book titles, not just your own].

Kain Forsyth is broken [Vague. This feels like it could mean anything]. After an [insert who attacks] attack [Vague. Why not be precise about who or what attacked or what form it took? Missed opportunity] Kain Forsyth while he’s serving a tour in [be precise where he was] off world with the United Offworld Special Forces, Kain finds himself unable to receive any cybernetic enhancements. No new organs, no new limbs, no second chances [This is crisp and clear]. His struggles [Be more specific. What struggles? Be clearer about which ambitions have been thwarted?] leave him resentful and bitter in a world where everyone and everything is connected via neural implants.

Reckless and hostile, His struggles leave him resentful but Kain finally finds his calling when a hyper-advanced A.I begins to infiltrates the neural network, hijacking the bodies of its victims and forcing them to commit horrible murders [Aren’t murders horrible by definition? Be more specific?]. Kain’s illness makes him one of the only people immune to the attacks, but also puts him at a disadvantage against the dangerous semi-robotic citizens the A.I sends after him.

With the help of a talented hacker with a personal tie to the hunt [Be more specific about who or what the hacker is and what the personal tie is], Kain must put his PTSD and self-loathing aside in order to outsmart the killer. As he closes in on the mastermind [Be more specific about the mastermind], Kain discovers this killer might not be seeking vengeance but trying to save the world. [I like this twist but I’m struggling to wrap my head around it. Maybe it would be clearer if we had a sense of what’s motivating the person behind the AI?]

I’m currently a programmer for the State of Florida. My short fiction has been published in Daily Science Fiction. I’ve also had a strong love for everything Science Fiction and [Kind of goes without saying if you wrote a sci-fi novel] I am currently seeking a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing at the University of Central Florida.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks again to TheSoundAndFury!

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Art: Mondnacht bei Helgoland by Julius Köhnholza