The last thing you want to include in a query letter (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to janetpearson, whose query is below.

Dear Agent’s Name:

Ardent is women’s fiction complete at 80,000 words. It is a story of wild versus urban, woven with magic like the writing of Gail Anderson-Dargatz and Juliet Marillier.

Cassidy isn’t afraid of nights alone in the wilderness when she’s roamed away from their little farm. She’s afraid that each time she wanders, she goes a little farther, and that someday she won’t turn back.

Her mother always told her it’s okay to be afraid, but not to let fear stop her: wisdom passed along with the traditions of their ancestry.

But leaving her mother’s hearth and failing to follow in her footsteps to be a renowned healer? The last thing Cassidy wants is the tears that come with saying goodbye. Still, she goes.

Town life offers music and dancing, people to lead her traipsing about. They speak of unfamiliar things and confuse her with their half-truths.

Then she’s forced back to the wilderness when an accident takes her mother’s life. Their cottage goes cold even in the glow of the funeral pyre. With no mother’s love to tether her, Cassidy must find a way to embrace her talents and avoid a life of mediocrity.

I have a bachelor’s degree in English and theater. I prepared for writing this novel by being a farmer, Master Herbalist, mother, and tree planter, living in the wild with the bears and the porcupines.

Ardent is book one in a proposed three-book series.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

I’m afraid this query needs some work.

If there’s one thing that you’re going to get into a query letter, make it your protagonist’s “quest.” We have to know what the protagonist is trying to do and what constitutes the “spine” of the plot.

I very very often see query letter writers resort to extremely vague summaries like this: “Cassidy must find a way to embrace her talents and avoid a life of mediocrity”

What does that actually mean? She needs to play a violin and organize a troupe of dancing cats? She needs to run for political office and defeat fascism?

“Embrace her talents and avoid a life of mediocrity” could mean literally anything. It doesn’t tell us what this novel is about.

Also, be on the lookout for vague words like “wilderness” and “accident,” which are often missed opportunities to add more precision and specificity to open up the world of your novel. For instance, “wilderness” can mean anything from forests to mountains to deserts to glaciers, and it doesnt’ help us picture the specific setting.

Go over your query with a fine-toothed comb and look for any and all places where you can be more specific, precise, vivid, and tangible.

Lastly, avoid this phrase at all cost: “The last thing CHARACTER wants.” It’s probably the most common cliche in query letters and it’s a surefire way to make a sentence land with a thud. Be more unique and individualized.

Here’s my redline:

Dear Agent’s Name:

Ardent [Capitalize or italicize book titles] is a women’s fiction novel [This doesn’t really sound like women’s fiction given the magic? It seems more like fantasy?], complete at 80,000 words. It is a story of wild versus urban [I don’t recommend including themes in queries. Weave it into the plot description], woven with magic like the writing It will appeal to readers of Gail Anderson-Dargatz and Juliet Marillier. [I personally prefer the “nuts and bolts” summary at the end, but tastes vary]

Cassidy isn’t afraid of nights alone in the wilderness when she’s roamsed away from their her family’s [Who is “they?] little farm [The tense in this sentence is confusing. It’s also a missed opportunity to make the setting more evocative. What kind of “wilderness” are we talking about here? ]. She’s afraid that each time she wanders, she goes a little farther, and that someday she won’t turn back. [Why? Her intent/motivation feels lost here]

Her mother always told her it’s okay to be afraid, but not to let fear stop her:. Wisdom passed along with the traditions of their ancestry. [Another missed opportunity to open up the world of the novel. What traditions? What ancestry?]

But leaving her mother’s hearth and failing to follow in her footsteps to be a renowned healer? [I don’t understand this rhetorical question. I think it’s trying to say that her mother wants her to stay to learn to be a healer, but it’s a very oblique way of saying it] The last thing Cassidy wants [“Last thing X wants” is one of the most common cliches in query letters, avoid it all costs] is dreads the tears that come with saying goodbye. Still, she goes. [Goes where? Why? I’m not understanding the quest]

Town life [What town?] offers music and dancing, people to lead her traipsing about [“people to lead her traipsing about?” I don’t understand this]. They speak of unfamiliar things [Missed opportunity. What unfamiliar things?] and confuse her with their half-truths [Half-truths about what?].

Then she’s forced back to the wilderness when an accident takes her mother’s life [Be more specific. What happened? Make it more vivid]. Their cottage goes cold even in the glow of the funeral pyre. With no mother’s love to tether her, Cassidy must find a way to embrace her talents and avoid a life of mediocrity. [Embracing her talents and avoiding a life of mediocrity could mean almost anything. What does Cassidy actually have to do? Be specific and precise so we can understand the story]

I have a bachelor’s degree in English and theater. I prepared for writing this novel by being a farmer, Master Herbalist, mother, and tree planter, living in the wild with the bears and the porcupines.

Ardent is book one in a proposed three-book potential series. [It’s fine to envision a series but in a query letter you want to convey far more flexibility than this]

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Thanks again to janetpearson!

Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!

For my best advice, check out my online classes (NEW!), my guide to writing a novel and my guide to publishing a book.

And if you like this post: subscribe to my newsletter!

Art: Sacramento River Valley by Albert Bierstadt