If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Ilanna Sharon Mandel, whose query is below.
Dear Agent (proper name of course)
Can seventeen year old Leslie Shaw ever break free of her toxic and suffocating life in rural Saskatchewan? For most of her life Leslie has been bound to care for Carol, her irresponsible and alcoholic. Leslie’s life sinks further into chaotic desperation when her mother’s lover from a one-night stand, and her dying grandfather move in to their tiny home. Amidst the turmoil her mother relapses and is sent to rehab – again. In the months of caring for her grandfather, Leslie is entrusted with decades-old secrets, and the shocking choices made by the two men she is forced to live with. Frustrated and angry she enacts a bold plan to become an emancipated teen to finally escape Carol, and the wounded life they have lived together.
Prairie’s Edge a story of inter-generational relationships, the impact of addiction, and a young girl’s desire for her freedom is set in modern-day rural Saskatchewan. It is complete in 80,000 words. As an author, I have published one fantasy adventure novel for middle grade readers entitled The Bridge of Haunted Souls. I have also published several short stories, poetry and numerous articles in peer and professionally-reviewed journals. My writing also includes work as an instructional and curriculum designer. As a native of Saskatchewan, I have infused this story with memories from growing up on the Canadian prairies
In this space, I address my remarks to the agent, why I want to work with them, and the connections between my work and theirs. Then, a sincere thank-you.
Sincerely,
Ilanna Sharon Mandel/encl.
Longtime readers know of my blood feud with rhetorical questions in query letters. Well, it appears that I am losing the battle.
In this case, the rhetorical question at the start of this query letter just doesn’t really add much and is very similar to the type of empty question I saw thousands of times as a literary agent. It’s not an engaging way to draw an agent into the world of the novel.
But apart from that, because so much of the query letter is vague (“decades-old secrets,” “shocking choices,” “a bold plan”) and we don’t have any elements that show Leslie’s personality, I struggle to understand the contours of the plot and what makes this novel unique.
A teen dealing with an alcoholic or drug addicted parent is a very common archetype. What sets this novel apart? What makes Leslie unique as a character? What’s her unique personality and outlook on life? Why this novel instead of all the other similar ones?
With more character and personality infused into the query letter and more specificity, we’ll have a much keener sense of what makes this novel stand out.
Here’s my redline:
Dear Agent (proper name of course)
Can seventeen year old Leslie Shaw ever break free of her toxic and suffocating life in rural Saskatchewan?For most of her life, seventeen year old Leslie has been bound to care for Carol, her irresponsible and alcoholic mother [word missing]. Leslie’s life sinks further into chaotic desperation when her mother’s loverfrom a one-night stand[If this is her lover it’s more than a one-night stand, no?],and her dying grandfather move in to their tiny home. Amidst the turmoil [be more specific. What happens that constitutes turmoil?] her mother relapses and is sent to rehab–again. In the months of caring for her grandfather [Awkward phrasing. Try to be more specific about what she’s doing], Leslie is entrusted with decades-old secrets, and the shocking choices made by the two men she is forced to live with [Too vague. Be more specific. What secrets and what choices? Help us understand the s tory]. Frustrated and angry she enacts a bold plan [What’s the plan? Be more specific] to become an emancipated teen to finally escape Carol, and the wounded life [“wounded life” is vague. Missed opportunity to add more specific flavor] they have lived together.My young adult novel Prairie’s Edge
a story of inter-generational relationships, the impact of addiction, and a young girl’s desire for her freedom is set in modern-day rural Saskatchewan. Itis complete in 80,000 words [Agents don’t really care about themes. If it’s important, weave it into the plot description].As an author,I have published one fantasy adventure novel for middle grade readers entitled The Bridge of Haunted Souls [Where was it published?]. I have also published several short stories, poetry and numerous articlesinpeer and professionally-reviewed journals[Be more specific about some fo the journals].My writing also includes work as an instructional and curriculum designer.As a native of Saskatchewan, I have infused this story with memories from growing up on the Canadian prairiesIn this space, I address my remarks to the agent, why I want to work with them, and the connections between my work and theirs [This belongs at the beginning of the query letter]. Then, a sincere thank-you.
Sincerely,
Ilanna Sharon Mandel/encl.
Thanks again to Ilanna!
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Art: Sturgeon Lake by Daniel Wilson
I know it’s hard to write a query letter. You need to condense a 80K novel into a few well-thoughts, intriguing lines that will capture a potential agent’s interest. It’s hard. But I don’t thing withholding the important information is the way to go.
An agent needs, I think, to see that your story has potential. And the only way he can understand that is by presenting your story with enough details for him/her to understand what’s your story is about.
Personally, if I can agent gentle, I’d also expand more about the stakes. Why is it so important for her to escape? Yes, I get that the situation is toxic and all, but since the story is about a tough situation, and I suppose there’s also a pot of emotional tension, I would try to emphasize it more.
That said, I wish you all the best in your writing journey!
Hello, Ilanna, I’m sure your manuscript is packed with authentic-sounding detail which is able to get the reader feeling empathy for her plight. I sense you have the writing chops to make this happen by bringing this character alive on the page. However, in this query, there’s a kind of disconnect between the words and this young girl who is living her worst life. I’d like to see something more graphic about her rather than just what she is currently going through. What is it about Leslie that warms the heart and makes us catch our breath with admiration or astonishment? I’d buy this novel on the strength of her character drawing me in and showing me something I can admire and learn from. She doesn’t have to be perfect, of course. Sometimes if there’s a large dichotomy between someone’s strengths and weaknesess, it makes the strengths seem all the more admirable.
The story does seem like a bleak one as presented, but if Leslie can shine a light of of truth and beauty–despite her failings–it would make this a story that quickens the heart and brings a smile–and a tear.
Let us really see Leslie and be amazed by her–if not at the start, then show her growing into someone special; for example, who not only understands the power of forgiveness to mend her heart but that of another.
Can retired agent Nathan ever reconcile himself to the rhetorical questions queryists keep asking?
Joking aside, I think it useful for us writers to imagine what we might say to someone who asked us to describe what springs to our minds as the most exciting and distinctive aspect of our novel(s). What inspired and motivated us to spend so much time and effort on THIS particular story? What’s it about, in a simple colloquial sense? A query gives limited space for that, so we have to chose what to include and exclude, but let what we include be as interesting and exciting and specific as we can make it.
Thanks to Ilanna Sharon Mandel and Nathan!