Nathan Bransford | Writing, Book Editing, Publishing

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Causing confusion will sink your query letter (query critique)

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If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to aldernans, whose query is below.

Please consider my 78,000-word YA mystery novel, BUTTERFLY WARS: What Really Happened to Grandmother? This is a retelling of the original Red Riding Hood story and told in three perspectives: The Wolf, The Grandmother and Little Red Riding Hood.

This story is set in a small town with queer grotesque Southern characters where superstition creates a werewolf through the imagination of a young girl named Elizabeth Christmas,, also known as Little Red Riding Hood.

Elizabeth Christmas has problems – her grandmother just tried to kill her. When her overactive imagination convinces her that she’s turning into a werewolf this sardonic little girl begins exploring the mystery – before she starts ripping out beating hearts.

Her grandmother is more than an old woman with a sweet smile and horn-rimmed glasses. Little Red thinks she tried to kill her. But, that isn’t all. Her Uncle John becomes less content to measure his life in coffee spoons and becomes more than a watching shadow. He might try to kill her. Of course, her beloved mother cannot be trusted and her best friend might not understand. Both of them could die.

Elizabeth searches for clues in her grandmother’s past uncovering the secret of a werewolf legend dating back to 1945 and tracing it to her blood thirsty grandmother. As she searches, three bodies are found brutally murdered and another attempted murder makes her look like the killer, the girl in the red hood.

This book is similar to books like WICKED by Gregory Mcguire. It’s like WICKED because it flip-flops the boxed-in notions we carry about evil. In my story the character of Little Red and the grandmother is questionably evil and in WICKED, the Wicked Witch of the West is good.

BUTTERFLY WARS is a mystery. Please contact me if you would like to read a partial or full manuscript.

While I like the idea of retelling “Little Red Riding Hood,” I’m afraid this query is in extremely rough shape. It bounces around between characters in a confusing way, there’s a lot of needless repetition, I’m having trouble understanding key elements of the plot, the pronouns are unclear throughout, and several sentences are poorly written.

By way of example, this is such a crucial sentence in the query letter because it describes the meat of the plot, and I’m having some serious trouble making heads or tails out of it:

“As she searches, three bodies are found brutally murdered and another attempted murder makes her look like the killer, the girl in the red hood.”

How does she search? Who finds the bodies? How were they murdered? Is the girl in the red hood the killer or the one who looks like the killer? I’m just really confused by all of this.

The query should be something an author really slaves over to make as strong as possible. As it stands, if I were an agent I’d have some serious concerns about the underlying manuscript even if I liked the idea behind the plot.

I think the author needs to go back to the drawing board on this one and focus on writing clearer sentences and a more focused progression through the plot description.

Lastly, I’m confused why we’re getting adult perspectives in a YA novel, but FWIW here’s advice on handling multiple protagonists in a query letter.

Here’s my redline:

Please consider my 78,000-word YA mystery novel, BUTTERFLY WARS: What Really Happened to Grandmother? This is a retelling of the original Red Riding Hood story and told in three perspectives: The Wolf, The Grandmother and Little Red Riding Hood.

This story is set in a small town with queer grotesque Southern characters where superstition creates a werewolf through the imagination of a young girl named Elizabeth Christmas,, also known as Little Red Riding Hood.

[Specify age] Elizabeth Christmas has problems. For instance, her grandmother just tried to kill her [Be more specific about the attempt to bring this to life.]. When her Elizabeth’s overactive imagination convinces her that she’s her grandmother’s turning into a werewolf, this sardonic little girl Elizabeth begins exploring the mystery [Be more specific. How does she start?] before she her grandmother starts ripping out beating hearts. [Whose beating hearts?]

HerElizabeth’s grandmother is more than an old woman with a sweet smile and horn-rimmed glasses. Little Red thinks she tried to kill her. [We know, you just told us in the prior paragraph] But, that isn’t all. Her Uncle John becomes less content to measure his life in coffee spoons and becomes more than a watching shadow. [This feels like a non-sequitur] He might try to kill her. [Who? Elizabeth or her grandmother?] Of course, her beloved mother cannot be trusted and her best friend might not understand [Understand what? Be more specific]. Both of them could die. [How? I’m lost]

Elizabeth searches for clues in her grandmother’s past [How?] uncovering She uncovers the secret of a werewolf legend dating back to 1945 and tracing traces it to her bloodthirsty grandmother. As she searches, three bodies are found brutally murdered and another attempted murder makes her look like the killer, the girl in the red hood. [I’m lost]

This book is similar to books like WICKED by Gregory Mcguire. It’s like WICKED because it flip-flops the boxed-in notions we carry about evil. In my story the character of Little Red and the grandmother is questionably evil and in WICKED, the Wicked Witch of the West is good. [We don’t need parsing of themes in a query letter]

BUTTERFLY WARS: What Really Happened to Grandmother is a 78,000-word YA mystery novel that will appeal to fans of WICKED. [Insert brief bio]

BUTTERFLY WARS is a mystery. Please contact me if you would like to read a partial or full manuscript.

Thanks again to aldernans!

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Art: Red-Ridinghood and the wolf by Popular Graphic Arts

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Naomi Lisa Shippen says

    I can see that the revised query is much clearer. I have heard differing opinions on where to place the genre and word count, some people say to put it at the beginning. Also, I have sometimes had advice not to include a bio. Overall, the revised query is makes a lot more sense.

    • Nathan Bransford says

      Yes, opinions vary on where to put genre and word count. I tend to prefer at the end to keep the focus on the story, but others want it right off the bat. No hard and fast rules there.

      A bio is somewhat optional, but I think they are good to give the agent a sense of who you are. It’s not going to make or break the query usually but it can add some flavor/context.

  2. Neil Larkins says

    You certainly did a good job of bringing this from lost to being almost found, Nathan. I couldn’t have done it, nor even tried. This will, hopefully, give aldernans incentive to rework what has the potential to be a real thriller.