Remove the word “shattered” from your query letter (query critique)

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Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Abhinav Bhat, whose query is below.

Dear Mr/Ms [Agent Name]

Indira Ramsay has studied her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen, leaving Indira shattered and dejected.

The very next day, Eldritch has gone missing and the city is under attack. The exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned, and they will see the Empire burn. And Indira is among their first targets.

Marked for death as Eldritch’s blood, she manages to survive her assailants and learn the truth of the enemy’s schemes. They plan to have Eldritch use his newfound power and status to find the Empire’s own hero, the man who defeated them centuries ago; they plan to have Eldritch kill him. And for some reason, Eldritch is willing.

The Empire. Above humanity. Above justice. Above all else. This is what Eldritch has taught her. She will live by it.

As the heroes incite riots in the city and stir the underclass to rebellion, Indira will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch from carrying out the enemy’s plan, she will save the Empire at any cost.

Even if the cost be Eldritch himself.

THE BURNT STATE is a dual-POV adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words.

I have had a short story titled “Blah Blah Blah” published in Apex Magazine in 2016. I am a member of the Codex Writers’ Group, an online community of neo-pro speculative fiction writers.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Abhinav Bhat

Before I get to the substance of my critique, I have something I need to get off my chest.

Much like the word ensues, I have very strong feelings about the word “shattered.”

It’s a cliche. It almost by definition means you’re writing in the passive voice. And, perhaps most importantly, after reading tens of thousands of query letters as a literary agent and editor, I have seen it so many times it makes my eyes bleed.

Just don’t do it. Don’t say someone’s “[blank] is shattered when [blank.]” Get it out of your query letter.

Thank you.

In terms of the query itself, while I like that there’s a strong hook with a grandfather mysteriously chosen to lead a council prior to the enemy attacking and it sounds like there’s a strong choice to make at the end, I’m afraid I found much of the description too vague and I struggled to wrap my head around what was actually happening in the plot.

It’s so important to be precise about what’s happening. You don’t have many words, make them count.

I also worry a bit about the genre. I understand it’s a dual-POV (which, for the record, doesn’t really need to be in the query), but the entire plot description makes this sound like a YA novel. Does this really need to be dual-POV? Is this actually Indira’s story?

Here’s my redline:

Dear Mr/Ms [Agent Name]

Indira Ramsay has studied her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council, the elite corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen, leaving Indira shattered and dejected. [Remove “shattered” and be more specific. How does the dejection literally manifest itself?]

The very next day, Eldritch has gone missing and the city is under attack the exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned to attack the city. [Eliminate the passive voice and be precise about who’s attacking] , and they will see the Empire burn. And Indira is among their first targets.

Marked for death as Eldritch’s blood granddaughter, she manages to survive her assailants [Be more specific. How does she escape?] and learn the truth of the enemy’s schemes. They [who is “they?” Who’s the enemy?] plan to have Eldritch use his newfound power and status to find the Empire’s own hero [Who is this?], the man who defeated them centuries ago [How?]. They plan to have Eldritch kill him [This sentence is super convoluted as originally written]. And for some reason, Eldritch is willing. [Filter this through Indira’s perspective.

The Empire. Above humanity. Above justice. Above all else. This is what Eldritch has taught her. She will live by it. [I don’t understand what this means.]

As the heroes incite riots in the city and stir the underclass to rebellion, Indira will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will must find and stop Eldritch from carrying out the enemy’s plan. She will save the Empire at any cost. Even if the cost be is Eldritch himself.

THE BURNT STATE is a dual-POV [No need to specify the POV] adult fantasy novel [The query makes it sound more like YA?] about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words.

I have had a short story titled “Blah Blah Blah” published in Apex Magazine in 2016. I am a member of the Codex Writers’ Group, an online community of neo-pro speculative fiction writers.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Abhinav Bhat

Thanks again to Abhinav!

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Art: Sebastian Stoskopff – Still-Life of Glasses in a Basket