If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to ELL354, whose query is below:
Dear {agent’s name}
THE GIRL WITH THE RED DEVIL HAND: A novel about that moment when a woman stops fighting the man she hates and begins fighting for all she loves.
Cora Jane Thomason is an outcast, and she’s known it since she first understood that the port wine stain on her hand marked her as being in cahoots with the devil in the superstitious backwoods of 1856 Missouri. My novel chronicles Cora’s misfortunes, sacrifices, and victories—from the day her pa loses her in a card game, to becoming an unwilling wife, and then giving birth to a baby she’s not sure she’s worthy of raising. Through it all, Cora holds out hope for a better, stable life, but that dream dies when her scheming husband goes west to seek his fortune and loses their home, their source of income, and his life to a man named Wes Mendlebright.
When Cora can’t find respectable work, she decides to take ownership of her late husband’s western saloon—and while she’s there, plans to kill Mendlebright, a man who has the entire town running scared and under his control. But murder isn’t quite that simple, and in her quest for justice, sovereignty, and a life of her own, Cora ends up dressed as a man, in love with a barkeeper, and fighting for her daughter’s life.
THE GIRL WITH THE RED DEVIL HAND, my 106,000 word historical women’s novel, is based on research I conducted on women who went west dressed as men, escaping their limited opportunities due to gender. It blends the historical detail of WATER FOR ELEPHANTS with a powerful woman in the vein of OLIVE KITTERIDGE. Readers who enjoyed Kathleen Grissom’s book, THE KItCHEN HOUSE, would also enjoy this book.
I am a writer living in Texas, where I edit and write articles for an international trade magazine, and am writing your agency because of {XYZ}. Thank you for considering my work.
Best Regards,
Elizabeth
There are some strong elements to this query and I like the idea of a woman having to go west to take ownership of her late husband’s saloon. The progression from outcast to cross-dressing bar owner is one that I imagine is pretty satisfying to read.
My concern with this query letter, however, is that Cora’s internal logic isn’t quite coming through for me. She (understandably) doesn’t seem to like her husband very much, so why would she be so fixated on avenging his death and seeking revenge? Why is her daughter’s life in danger? What is Cora trying to achieve, aside from independence?
One of the most crucial elements to nail in a query is making it clear what the main character wants. This doesn’t have to be explicitly stated, but at minimum the internal logic of why the character is embarking on their “quest” should make sense.
In this case, what Cora wants is stated, but I’m not sure why she so badly wants “justice.” Making Cora’s plot clearer and smoothing out some of the awkwardness of the prose will go a long way toward making this query shine.
Here’s my redline:
Dear {agent’s name}
THE GIRL WITH THE RED DEVIL HAND: A novel about that moment when a woman stops fighting the man she hates and begins fighting for all she loves.
In the superstitious backwoods of 1856 Missouri, Cora Jane Thomason is an outcast.and she’s known it since she first understood thatThe port wine stain on her hand markeds her as being in cahoots with the devilin the superstitious backwoods of 1856 Missouri. [This sentence feels overstuffed, I’d suggest breaking it up. It also feels a bit passive/vague–who exactly thinks she’s in cahoots with the devil? Her neighbors?]My novel chronicles Cora’s misfortunes, sacrifices, and victories—from the dayAfter her pa loses her in a card game, to becomingshe becomes an unwilling wife [to whom?],andthen givinggives birth to a baby she’s not sure she’s worthy of raising.Through it all,Cora holds out hope for a better, stablelife [Be more specific about the details of the life she wants, it will show more character/flavor], but that dream dies when her scheming husband goes west to seek his fortune and loses their home, their source of income,and then his life to a man named Wes Mendlebright.
When Cora can’t find respectable work, she decides to travel west to take ownership of her late husband’swesternsaloon—and. While she’s there, she plans to kill Mendlebright, a man who has the entire town running scaredand under his control. But murder isn’t quite that simple, and in her quest for justice, sovereignty,and a life of her own, Cora ends up dressed as a man, in love with a barkeeper, and fighting for her daughter’s life. [While I like these details, I’m not sure this quite tells us the spine of the plot. She doesn’t seem to like her “scheming husband” so why does she want to avenge his death? Why exactly is she “fighting for her daughter’s life?” What ultimate is Cora trying to achieve?]
THE GIRL WITH THE RED DEVIL HAND, my 106,000 word historical women’s fiction novel, is based on research I conducted on women who went west dressed as men, escaping their limited opportunities due to gender. Itblends the historical detail of WATER FOR ELEPHANTS with a powerful woman in the vein of OLIVE KITTERIDGE.Readers who enjoyed Kathleen Grissom’s book, THE KItCHEN HOUSE, would also enjoy this book.
I am a writer living in Texas, where I edit and write articles for an international trade magazine, and am writing your agency because of {XYZ} [I would put the personalization at the top]. Thank you for considering my work.
Best Regards,
Elizabeth
Thanks to Elizabeth for volunteering her query!
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Art: American scenery – the inn on the roadside by E. Sachse & Co.
JOHN T. SHEA says
An interesting critique of an interesting query. I assumed Cora wants to kill Mendlebright to liberate her town from his tyranny and possibly regain ownership of her home. The threat to her daughter presumably comes from Mendlebright’s response. Independence is quite a sufficient motive by itself, but justice for her town and herself is another, plus possibly a sheer spirit of adventure.
I quite liked the query as it stood but you have tightened it well, Nathan. Not all questions can or should be answered in a query. Thanks to Elizabeth and Nathan for this!