Porträt des Francisco de Goya – Vicente López Y Portaña |
The Internet has opened up many new avenues for people to express their opinions. It has empowered the crowd, it has emboldened the masses, it has allowed just about anyone with an Internet connection to fire up their computer and start telling the world what they think.
It also allows people to be a jerk.
We all know that people are willing to say things to others on the Internet they would never, ever say in real life. Especially anonymously. I mean, what is the other person going to do, punch them through the computer screen?
But here’s the thing about being a jerk on the Internet. While jerks can say things on the Internet without fear of reprisals and without batting an eyelash, the other person on the end of a barb feels it just as real as if they had heard it in real life. In some ways it hurts even more, because it feels like someone is expressing their real, unvarnished opinions.
Call it the corollary of Internet jerkdom. Every jerk action can have a vastly disproportionate and wounding reaction.
How do you know if you’re being a jerk? Let me help.
- If you call someone a name on the Internet you’re not getting something off your chest, you’re being a jerk.
- If you call a book a piece of trash on the Internet, you’re not
expressing an opinion, you’re being a jerk. Someone wrote that book, and
there are better ways to express yourself. - If you mock and belittle someone who has done something wrong you’re not helping them learn from their mistakes, you’re being a jerk.
- If you’re knocking someone down to make yourself feel better you are absolutely being a jerk.
- If you’re knocking someone down period you’re being a jerk.
We’ve all got to live together on this thing called the Internet, and last I heard they’re not kicking people off the cyberspace island. Behind every faceless avatar and screenname is a living, breathing human who you can seriously damage with your words.
So don’t be a jerk.
Barbara Kloss says
Thank you.
I love the internet, but it emboldens us to say things online we'd never say to the person in real life (well, some might. Is there a jerk subcategory?)
I guess this saying applies to the internet, as well as people: "Your greatest strength is your greatest weakness"
Jasmine Blade says
Cyber-bullying is the newest way for people to hurt each other. It's cowardly. And anonymous or not, you can't hide from your own karma.
Charlie says
Very good post.
Anonymous says
I wholeheartedly agree. In fact, I'd just debated this issue with some online reader friends a couple weeks ago. Some see no problem with being "honest" when they leave scathing reviews that tell an author they write like a five year old, or their work is shit. I, on the other hand, believe you can be honest without being cruel.
Sion Dayson says
Thank you so much for this. I recently received a ridiculously mean comment on my blog and was wondering what to do: approve it because hey, free speech or put it in the trash bin because that's where it belonged.
This emboldens me. "Don't be a jerk". Yes, someone calling an author I interviewed names just doesn't need to be given any air space.
I love the Internet, but it also lets people hurt other people and hide behind a screen name. Thanks for this call to civility (wish we didn't need it!)
Kate says
Thank you so much for this. I feel awkward every reading people be jerks toward other people and it can definitely turn the mood of the post/internet in general sour.
Mr. D says
You want to hear/read people being jerks? Try a sports forum. Or a political forum. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Addie Zierman says
Did you see that SNL sketch last week where they brought out the people who anonymously comment on youtube videos? Pretty awesome.
crow productions says
It is a strange new world. I've experienced a so called friend on Facebook slandering me. It is unknown what his problem was with me. I think he just didn't like my opinion about something. I also see people saying things they should not say. Anyone can see what you think on the internet. There is no privacy. Jerkdom is running amok.
TeresaR says
I think if everyone followed the ancient "do unto others" rule (older than the bible, older than Confucius, possibly), the world would be a much nicer place all the time…even the Internet world. 😉
Thank you for a well-written and poignant post!
Leo Godin says
Mr. D,
As a recovering political forum jerk, I couldn't agree with you more.
Linda G. says
Amen! Thank you for stating it so unequivocally.
Sara Raasch says
I don't think people realize that this is a form of cyber-bullying — cyber-bullying seems like something that affects just high school students. But it can also affect us 20-something, 30-something, 40+ something bloggers.
That's what these "trolls" are. Cyber-bullies. Cowardly cyber-bullies.
Elaine AM Smith says
Well said. Bullying can happen over any distance.
It's funny how reading some thoughts are helpful and instructive but others about as constructive as the insights of the three year-old who hasn't learned tact or diplomacy.
Gale Martin says
I am sorry to say that last year a literary agent acted like a major jerk. This person said he/she would read the manuscript of anyone who made a video of a certain rap poem. I made a video and sent it to him/her–it was sheer fun. I am a writer, not a videographer, not a rapper. Not only did he/she renege on the offer to review the manuscript, he/she made fun of me on Twitter, to all her followers, saying my video "sucketh" but never even responding to me good, bad, or indifferent. Now, he/she never said it had to be a certain grade video. It took me hours and hours and hours to do. It wasn't high quality–but it was funny. I lost all respect for that person after that incident.
Julie Daines says
Thank you so much for saying this. Way too often people don't take a single second to contemplate how their words will affect the lives of others. But words can be very damaging.
It doesn't cost anything to be nice. Some people think that by being a jerk they are being clever or cool. But the truth is, most people just think, "what a jerk."
I wish there was a way to raise the common denominator on the internet instead of people always appealing to the lowest.
Liz Fichera says
Amen! Some days I think the jerks outnumber everybody else.
Lisa Desrochers says
Yup! Not only do the nasty internet comments hurt more because it's the persons "unvarnished opinion," but because it just got broadcast worldwide. I like how John Scalzi puts it on his blog: "Don't be a douch."
Ashen says
Jerks are having an abreaction, probably preventing worse actions, the people feeling attacked have a choice. Why host impotent sperms?
K. M. Walton says
Mean people suck. It's that simple. The only place I "enjoy" a mean person is in a book.
Caroline says
Great post, Nathan.
I think we should add a category to the jerk hall of fame: if you think you're being constructive but you're really just being snarky, then you're a jerk.
Perhaps I have too much time on my hands, but I always re-read whatever I post online, especially if it contains critique. I also add "Best of Luck" or something similar so that people know that I am genuinely trying to help them.
Not only is the Internet anonymous, you can't see someone's real intentions. What you mean to be helpful can be interpreted as downright mean by others. And that's not cool.
Gina Black says
As human beings sharing this planet, we need to make sure our actions and commentary have a positive effect. This can be done while still being honest. "Thou shalt not be a jerk" is possibly the second commandment for internet use. (The first being: Thou shalt not forward stupid jokes to thy friends.)
Susan Kaye Quinn says
You are the original nice guy, Mr. Bransford, which makes your words just that much more meaningful. Because you live it! #thanksfortheexample 🙂
Josephine Myles says
I wholeheartedly agree. I had to leave a certain forum because of a jerk, and have never returned.
And also, I know Goodreads is a place for reader responses, but some users really don't seem to care if they express themselves in a way that makes them appear to be a jerk. I've decided not to read any more reviews of my own work on there.
Manners – they make the world a much more pleasant place 🙂
Cyndy Aleo says
And yet… not necessarily true.
I'm going to force the tech world into the literary one for a minute, Nathan, because there was a brilliant quote from Mike Arrington last week that was passed around Twitter like a plate of special brownies at a Phish show:
"Direct, brutal, no frills, awesome, wonderful, honesty. Versus being smile fucked by someone who’s hypocritically polite. I’ll take the honesty any day for the win. (from the post https://uncrunched.com/2011/10/01/brutal-honesty/
I had one of the most brutal rejections I'd ever seen on a query. I mean downright nasty. No proverbial "shit sandwich" with a few nice things sprinkled in. No "not for me." It was downright angry, and it came two months ago and it still makes me want to vomit it was so ugly and blunt.
But you know what? What that agent said was the truth. Maybe some agents were being TOO nice. I'll admit, I got out of line the day tact was being given out, but out of all the crit I've gotten, THAT was the bit that stuck with me. And two months later, after having that pinball around in my head along with the "OMG, you suck"s that go with it, maybe I figured out a few things that were missing and really needed to be fixed. Maybe I figured out how I COULD fix it. And all the pussyfooting around wasn't going to get me to the same place that the downright blunt "this is fail" did.
I've never been a big fan of Mike Arrington, and I've admitted it on more than one occasion. But the one thing anyone in tech always knew was where you stood with him. If he hated your guts, you knew it. I'd much rather know if someone hates my guts (or my writing) than have them say "not a good fit for the agency" while secretly snickering to other agents about how much my ms sucked.
Laura Lowell says
Here, here…Jasmine and Susan said it nicely. The bummer is that the people who commented and probably read your blog aren't the people who need reminding.
Nathan Bransford says
Cyndy-
I prefer honesty to platitudes too, but I also think honesty can coexist very happily with non-jerkdom. The truth doesn't have to be accompanied with a punch to the face.
Cathy Yardley says
Love this. And working off of Cyndy's comment, I think that there's a difference between telling someone "I don't like this particular thing" and "you suck as a person because of this thing." Trolls cross the line, hating simply for the ability to hurt someone anonymously. Reminds me of Breaking Bad's DBAA: Don't Be An Asshole.
Bryan Russell says
@ Cyndy Aleo
The problem is that the vast majority of people react in the opposite fashion. It's the harshness of the delivery that tends to blind people to the content.
I don't want brutal honesty. I just want honesty.
Sarah Davis Brandon says
Snark often dips its toes into utter meanness. I stopped following agents on twitter because I decided there were better ways to "learn" how to do things correctly than to learn at the expense of mocking others.
Were there funny moments where I giggled? Yes. But when it was said and done, I didn't feel very good about reading it. I thing the agent snark is best left inside the office and not for thousands of followers to see.
Leah Raeder says
I fall somewhere between Caroline and Cyndy. On the one hand, I think people should be unafraid to express honest, constructive criticism, without having to self-censor or leaven it with good luck wishes. We are adults; we don't need to be constantly be reminded that we're precious and worthwhile. Criticism is not therapy.
On the other hand, "brutal" honesty is usually more brutality than honesty. Cyndy's critique could have been couched in less personally judgmental terms and not have caused such psychological trauma while still getting its points across. A professional critic can separate the art from the artist, and focus critique on the work.
People should be able to express opinions civilly and stand by them without feeling the need to dilute their criticism with empty niceties. But this makes a good faith assumption that critics can separate art from artist, and conversely, that artists can take criticism of their art for what it is, and not as criticism of themselves.
RetroKali says
Not everything that is in your head should come out your mouth. I have unintentionally written things that later seemed to misconstrue my initial meaning. So yeah, straight up cowardly jerkiness isn't cool but it is also good to triple think what you post before you post it.
Becca French says
Great post. My teacher told me one time, "Don't try to win over the haters, you are not the jerk whisperer." I can't decide if it's comforting that most people wouldn't be such jerks in person or if it's discouraging that apparently they still think it. Either way, learning not to care seems to be the best way to go. If they're entitled to their opinion, I can still have mine.
Ali Trotta says
Great post. Thank you so much for sharing this. There's definitely a tendency for people to be huge jerks on the internet. Lack of accountability and face-to-face interactions make some people brazen in bad ways.
Thanks for posting this!
abc says
I may have been a jerk sometimes. Usually when I'm reacting to other people I perceive as being jerk. But 2 wrongs don't make a right.
Thanks again, coach Bransford. This is awesome! Awesomsauce, even.
kerrimaniscalco says
I LOVE THIS!
There is definitely a difference between sharing an honest opinion and being a jerk. I think far too often people fool themselves into thinking they are doing someone a favor by being brutally honest.
Usually they're just being brutal. And there is a BIG difference with helping someone up constructively, or kicking them down.
Everything in life is so subjective, and we all need to learn to value our opinions, but respect others as well.
D.G. Hudson says
Bravo, Nathan, best definitions of a jerk that I've seen.
It pays to use diplomacy, we're all on the world stage when we're on the web. Keep your head about you (when others do not), as Kipling said, and you'll be glad you did.
Perhaps those who use the 'anon' or use 'avatars' (like me) have had some of that backlash from the jerks of the world.
Jerks lurk, strike, and then hide. It's their nature.
Good advice, Nathan, and succinct.
Rick Daley says
I'm in a tough spot because I'm a smart-ass. I'm naturally easy going and try very hard not to offend, but have crossed lines on occasions (albeit unintentionally).
I hate confrontation and don't like it when people are mad at me, so even though I may fail from time to time, I do put forth an honest effort.
WORD VERIFICATION: potoss. The throwing of poor people, for sport.
Taylor Napolsky says
People are way too sensitive.
Joshua Peacock says
Timely and wise words Mr. Bransford!
Tucker says
What a jerk that Francisco Goya was, eh?
Heather Hawke says
I don't want to be part of the crowd who watches and doesn't interfere when some kid gets sucker punched. I don't want to bully the bully either. I try to remember what my mother said – criticize the action not the person. Also, no pile ons.
Anonymous says
And being a jerk also ruins the credibility of the Internet. Let's face it, those of us who've been around the Interwebs since middle school, have built up a layer of thick skin and we don't take the jerks seriously anymore. But, the problem is we don't take a lot of things on the Interwebs very seriously because of the jerks.
Thanks for posting about this. You should get a hug when you get home tonight!!
Michelle Muto says
Perfect. Simply perfect. I'm sharing this post with everyone I know, in every profession.
Anne R. Allen says
Well put, Nathan. It won't change the jerks, but I think we need to call them what they are. I understand there are actually jerks-for-hire on amazon who will give your rival's books one-star reviews. Since the jerks don't read the books, they post personal attacks on the authors. But surf around and you'll find the same wording in dozens of one-stars in the same category.
I completely disagree with Cyndi–angry critiquers aren't giving you an "honest" assessment of your work. They're giving you an honest picture of their own emotional state. Their words usually have nothing to do with you or your work. Angry agents/interns should work out their anger off the job, not take it out on newbie writers. That's unprofessional. And jerkified.
Isabella Amaris says
Nice post, Nathan. There really is such huge difference between being honest (only) and being honest AND cruel. It's so easy to equate politeness with being fake or dishonest, but that's only half the story, isn't it? Where does it say honesty = cruelty/brutality? In that old jerkdom dictionary, that's where:)
I firmly believe that the content of what someone is saying (honest/dishonest) is almost equally as important as the spirit in which it is said (civilly/cruelly), and it's sad when content is couched so brutally that its message becomes lost in translation, tainted by unnecessary negativity …
Isabella Amaris says
p.s.
@Becca French – "Don't try to win over the haters, you are not the jerk whisperer." – I love what your teacher said!:) I wish someone had told me that a long time ago:) It's so going to be one of my personal mottos from now on. Cheers.
Megan says
It really is WAY too easy to be terribly mean online. I mean, why would you say something online that you'd be too ashamed to say out loud?
Making people feel bad should never make you feel better about yourself.
Reagan Philips says
Hmm…I think this blogpost fits very nicely with my blog's quote for the week…
Character is much easier kept than recovered.
~ Thomas Paine
I think it's a nice way of saying, "don't be a jerk".
Good post.
J.J. Bennett says
I think the important thing is to understand that anyone who comments or doesn't comment for that matter is a real live human. So please act accordingly…
Sometimes it's easy to get hurt by comments whether they be true or not. But sometimes I feel the lack of comments is just as hurtful.